Just When I Think I’ve Heard Of Every Freaky Ass Fetish

August 11, 2011 / Posted by:

If you told me that you were into licking raw peacock egg yolk off of a lime green linoleum floor while the tube of a canister vac plumped up your anus lips as an Air Supply record skipped in the background, I wouldn’t even strain my eye muscles by squinting at you. If you told me that your nipple holes open by themselves when you start a staring contest with that terrifying Newsweek cover of Michele Bachmann, I wouldn’t even judge you to your face. But this shit right here is some next level kink.

A 28-year-old dude was put into handcuffs in the parking lot of a Louisiana Walmart after the police received complaints that he was making his dick lips do the yellow smiley face smile by jacking off to ladies going into the store. That’s not the weird part. The weird part came out of his mouth when the police asked him what he was doing. The Smoking Gun reports that the arresting officer wrote in the report that he said this:

“[He] stated he did have his penis out because of past experiences he had at Wal-Mart. Keen stated when he comes to Wal-Mart he gets aroused.”

Roll back prices just make him want to roll back his peen skin over and over again. THE FUCK?! We’ve already got enough to deal with and now we’ve gotta deal with Walmartophiles? This story makes a good case for the People of Walmart to start charging a monthly membership fee through CCBill.

If dude yanked his peen to Target, I’d tell him to fap away. Target’s logo is basically a giant red tit, so that makes it understandable. But squeezing out nut juice over Walmart’s serial killing smiley face? No.

And I bet the “past experience” that makes him aroused has something to do with our good friend Mr. Ghetto:

Yup, that Walmartophile is kinkier than you thought.

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