Vampires

I know. I know. It's Met Ball bukkake on Dlisted today, but this is hopefully my last post on this mess and I'm going out on a terrifying note by giving you things that do bumps in the night. While human hos at the ball sipped on calorie-free champagne, these vampires, zombies, charbroiled trolls and grandma witches sipped on calorie-free carbonated souls. If you put your ear to the screen, you can practically hear the screeches from a pristine young virgin running naked through the halls of the Met as these scary bitches chase after her. Where was Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery, Inc. gang when hos needed them most?

Grab your crucifix, put your garlic bulb anal chain around your neck and get close to the Royal Court of the Death Eaters. In order: Mary-Kate Olsen (looking like the Snow White witch after the dwarves dropped that boulder on her), Anna Wintour, Ronnie Wood (with his toddler-aged girlfriend), Sarah Jessica Parker with Tan Mom's skin idol Valentino, Donatella Versace, Chupa Zoe and Lana Del Taco.

Madge's newest album bungee jumped down the charts this week, but she still put on her dontgiveafuckface (No, seriously, she went into her face closet and put on the face labeled "Don't Give A Fuck.") to work the carpet at Macy's in NYC. Madge was at Macy's in Herald Square to whore out her fragrance Truth or Dare (smells like a mixture of decaying hydrangeas, Lady CaCa's tuck sweat, the fear of a South American boy toy, Elton John's burnt toupee and seasoned pussy dust).

I know I've said before that Madge's current face looks like it was put together using newborn baby butt cheeks, piano wire and Fix-A-Flat, but I have to say that last night she looked vampire fresh. We can disagree on that, but we cannot and will not disagree over the fact that Madge has some seriously hung veins on her feet. Madge's feet are ribbed for Quentin Tarantino's pleasure. You'd probably get a quick tingle if you rubbed your b-hole against one of them. Baby Brahim is one lucky vein fucker.