Tim Tebow

The "open" sign is back on the front door of Camilla Belle's Bearding Services, because she has stopped dating the virgin quarterback who regularly Facetimes with Jesus on his iPhone. Who knew that a devout Christian with his cherry firmly intact couldn't make it work with a ho who Taylor Swift says is a master at mattress acrobats (read: the squinty bitch called her a slut).

Tim Tebow and Camilla Belle started dating a couple of months ago and they were seen holding hands and doing kissing stuff at a bowling alley in Florida. They must've had one of those short-term contracts, because a source tells UsWeekly that it's over. I guess Camilla just didn't have a servant's heart, which is what Tim Tebow wants in a wife. He said this to Vogue a while ago:

"I've been blessed to have an amazing mom and two amazing sisters — so they set a very high standard. Obviously looks play a big part. Being attracted to someone plays a big part, but there's also so much more than that for me. It's about finding someone sweet and kind — and that has a servant's heart."

I'm actually surprised over this highly important news. Tim Tebow isn't going to let his peen kiss on a vagina until he's married and Camilla Belle was with a Jonas brother during his purity cock ring days, so she knows how it goes. Bitch probably quit Tim Tebow, because she got sick of doing butt sex all the time (side note: anybody who gets sick of butt sex is no friend of mine). Virgins LOVE butt sex.

Yes, and I know I need to bond with a Photoshop class. But in the meantime, a laugh is jumping out my throat over how Taylor Swift keeps trying to spread some country sin onto Tim Tebow's pristine peen. Rick Santorum's favorite new IT couple was born on Monday night when they went to dinner with a bunch of friends in Century City. They apparently went as friends, but a source tells UsWeekly that beard extraordinaire Taylor Swift wants Tim to Tebow right over her basket of curly golden love (that's what she's going to call it in the song she's obviously going to write about his ass), but he's not exactly into her. That scent that just trickled up your nostrils is the smell of a beard that just got BURNED. UsWeekly's source said this about Taylor wishing she was the Mary Magdalene to Tim's Jesus:

"Yes, she has a crush on him. She is a massive fan, but I don't think he sees her that way. They actually have been speaking a lot about the Bible and Christianity. Right now it’s on the friendship tip – even though that frustrates her."

Taylor Swift herself is more annoying than a Taylor Swift song, but all these rumors make me like her just a little bit. Taylor is pretending to be an innocent virgin lamb when she's really a slutty snake trying to slither up onto Tim's crotch to rip off his holy water-covered jock strap and fuck his beliefs right out of him. Bitch is like a Wilmer Valderrama in sheep's clothing. I'm not just calling her a sheep, because that's the saying. I'm calling her a sheep, because bitch really does look like a sheep.

File this under: Rick Santorum's answer to Brangelina (sorry, Duggars) has been found.

This is one of those gross things that I never saw coming, but should've seen coming, because it is a match made in wholesome boring Aryan heaven. Both Celebuzz and Clevver News say earth's only direct connection to Jesus, Tim Tebow, and the American Anne of Green Gables, Taylor Swift, went out to dinner together on Monday night after meeting at a pre-Oscar party last week. I can try to use all of my brain's energy to come up with a couple name for these two, but it's easier and more fitting just to call them: UGH!!!!!

Celebuzz says that Taylor skipped up to Tim at WME's pre-Oscar party on Sunday night and started talking to him for over an hour. Talking to Taylor for over an hour would make me Tebow right over a toilet, but he was obviously into that shit, because he took her out for dinner on Monday night. Clevver News says that Taylor and Tim skipped into Century City's Toscanova restaurant and sat with a small group. Tim and Taylor didn't leave together, but he walked her out like the true gentlemen that he is. GROSS!

You know, some bitches have been trying to tell me that Tim Teblowjob is as gay as the image of me ordering a pouf from Cb2 (or the image of me dancing to an Atomic Kitten song in the shower while soaping myself up with a turquoise puff full of strawberry-scented body wash), but he never made me fart out a rainbow until now. Dating Taylor Swift is to gaydars as the cast of Jersey Shore is to breathalyzers. Taylor can make a gaydar overload and explode. Nothing says "I LOVE TO GARGLE ON A PEEN HEAD" like "dating" Renee Zellweger-in-training Taylor Swift.