Speaking of meaningless titles that magazines give, because why not?
TIME celebrated their 100 Most Influential People at a gala in NYC last night and one of those most influential showed up looking like a terracotta Siamese Cat figurine covered in oil-based lacquer. You might be wondering how exactly is Xtina one of the most influential people of the year? Well, Xtina has influenced many to not wear leggings out in public and if you're going to wear leggings out in public, make sure to not bend over in front of a camera unless you want your ass to look like two baby warthogs butting heads under a Hefty bag. Xtina is also extremely influential, because she has influenced people to bleach the life out of their hair and throw all the make-up on their faces if they want to look like a demure oyster. And she's also influenced me to immediately buy a red lips mic stand, because it looks like a giant string of anal beads inspired by Mick Jagger's mouth.
See, Xtina is influenza (Freudian typo) in so many ways!
And here's the other most influential influentials being all influential at Time's most influential gala. Influentialness in order: Influentialtina, Lena Dunham (looking like one of Sleeping Beauty's fairies gone wrong), Robin Thicke's stand-in with Jessica Biel, Claire Danes with Hugh Dancy, Frank Ocean, Mia Farrow (wearing an outfit from the fashion label DontGiveAFuck) with her son, Mark Burnett with Roma "Touched By A Plastic Surgeon" Downey, Jimmy Fallon with his wife, Olivia Munn, Tracy Anderson, my mom's boo Dr. Oz and Barbara Walters.
Anybody who has seen five seconds of Girls knows that Lena Dunham is one hundred percent comfortable with every inch of her body (or bitch knows how to fake it well), because she shows every nook and cranny on almost every episode. I now know what Lena Dunham looks like when she scratches her ass. Lena is so okay with her own body that she tells Playboy she wouldn't like life very much if she suddenly woke up looking like Leonardo DiCaprio's next piece. Prepare your eyes for rolling....
Playboy: If you woke up tomorrow in the body of a Victoria’s Secret model, what would you do for the rest of the day?
Dunham: I’d be really disoriented and wonder what had happened in the night. Which enemy had dragged me to the doctor? I don’t think I’d like it very much. There would be all kinds of weird challenges to deal with that I don’t have to deal with now. I don’t want to go through life wondering if people are talking to me because I have a big rack. Not being the babest person in the world creates a nice barrier. The people who talk to you are the people who are interested in you. It must be a big burden in some ways to look that way and be in public. That said, I probably would want to see if I could get free food at restaurants. Then I’d call a doctor and see if she could return me to my former situation.
And just like that, Samantha "It's Hard Being Beautiful" Brick became Lena Dunham's biggest fan.
First of all, bitch is telling lies. Second of all, I'm sure some people only talk to her, because they want to get on Girls. Third of all, restaurants won't give you free food if you look like a VS model, because they know your ass won't eat it. Fourth of all, if I woke up tomorrow looking like Alexander Skarsgard, you bitches wouldn't hear from me for a while, because I'd be too busy humping on other hot people who are only humping on me because I'm hot.
But really, beautiful people say that it's hard being beautiful. Ugly people say that it's hard being ugly. Classy people say that it's hard being classy. Rich people say that it's hard being rich. Poor people say that it's hard being poor (they're right). Crazy people say that it's hard being crazy. Can't we all just agree that it's hard being a person. We all have it hard, okay?! Well, except for Angelyne. That bitch has a perfect life in every way.
Jezebel, ONTD, Crushable and a bunch of people on Twitter are all shaking their heads at Lisa Lampanelli today after she tweeted a picture of her and Lena Dunham, who is wearing a moldy camping tarp for some reason, and called Lena her "nigga." No, they weren't in Paris and no, GOOPY Paltrow isn't Lisa's ghost tweeter. Some people are shocked about this, but doesn't Lisa's whole act involve trying to shock bitches. Wouldn't it be more shocking if bitch didn't use a slur? When she's not talking about how she's taken so much black dick that her pussy has been certified triple Kardashian, she's making racist jokes, right?
I thought that was her thing. She sees a person, determines their race and then says something like, "Hey, (insert racial slur here)!" Since I'm Hispanic, Asian and gay, I wonder how she'd greet my ass. She'd probably look at me and her racial slur generator would malfunction for a minute before she spit out, "Hey, spagip!"
Taylor Swift didn't only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna's VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn't getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj's British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.
What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn't be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn't Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she's still going on about him? You'd think that by now Taylor Swift would've dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor's game is slipping!
And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don't mean that in a good way.
Here's Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham's yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night's episode of Girls, I'm glad to see her fully clothed.