Jon Stewart

During an open talk with Stephen Colbert at the Montclair Film Festival in New Jersey last Friday night, Jon Stewart was asked which past guest of his made him want to rage fist himself while pulling out his pubes one by one at the same time. Jon didn't need to spend more than 3 seconds with that question before he blurted out the name: HUGH GRANT! Hugh Grant ("More like HUGH CUNT" - Jon Stewart) was on The Daily Show three years ago and Jon still hasn't forgotten what a giant popped nipple pimple Hugh Grant was. Third Beat (via E!) says Jon explained Hugh's bitchery like this:

tewart’s least favourite guest of all time is Hugh Grant, “and we’ve had dictators on the show”. Grant spent his time at the studio complaining that he had other places to be. “He’s giving everyone shit the whole time, and he’s a big pain in the ass,” Stewart recalled. Grant also complained to the staff about the clip that was selected of the movie he was promoting, Did You Hear About the Morgans? – a clip that was obviously supplied by the film’s publicist. Stewart recalls Grant angrily asking “What is that clip? It’s a terrible clip.” “Well, then make a better fucking movie,” Stewart said, adding that he would “never” have Grant back.

I've seen Did You Hear About The Morgans? and it gave me cotton mouth of the eyes, so any clip that Jon Stewart showed would've been terrible. A lot of people say that Hugh Grant is about as pleasant as a rim job from a cobra, but I can't fully hate him all the way. Hugh Grant never gives one fuck about anything, said his feelings were "eh" about his newborn baby, regularly tries to knee kick Rupert Murodch in the crotch whenever he can and more importantly, he introduced the world to one of the most exquisite flowers in the mid-90s garden Divine Brown. Hugh Grant is probably a huge dick wrinkle, but he did give us Divine Brown and he's good at playing a twat onscreen too. So we should give him that.

With three tubes of Prep H smeared all over his eye area to keep down the swelling he got from his ducts barfing up floods of sparkle tears, Robert Pattinson slid into the guest chair at The Daily Show last night to promote Cosmopolis and to nervously giggle about the lip-biting, lazy-faced, skank whore elephant in the room. I really thought that RPatt'z interview with Jon Stewart was going to be as awkward as a sudden fart jumping out of your butt while you're getting your salad tossed, but it wasn't at all. It was actually kind of charming. Yes, I was charmed by RPattz and yes, you can now make fun of me for riding side saddle on one of the unicorns frolicking through his enchanted forest hair.

Jon Stewart never brought up Kristen Stewart's name and never asked RPattz how it feels to have his heart (or relationship contract) broken by his dead-hearted slut girlfriend thrusting her ass into married man crotch, but he did start the interview by giving RPattz some Ben & Jerry's before saying (via Jezebel):

"The last time I had a bad breakup, Ben and Jerry got me through some of the tougher times. So I thought you and I could bond over this and talk about, ‘Boy you are better off. Kick her to the curb, whatever...' When you are young and you break up, it's powerful and it feels like the world is ending. This is the first time I have seen the world actually react that way. It's insanity."

I don't know who told Jon Stewart that Ben & Jerry's is the medicine for a broken heart, but who ever told him needs to receive an education from the most dumped trick in America Jennifer Love Hewitt, because it ain't. Jon should've given RPattz a basket with a raw cookie dough log, a vajazzle kit, a copy of John Bobbitt's porn (because nothing makes you feel good about your life like Jon Bobbitt's frankendick) and a lyric sheet for Mary J. Blig's "Not Gon' Cry."

And I really hope that Kristen Stewart's first interview is with Nancy Grace. No, Kristen Stewart never killed a baby, but she did kill the hearts of a million crazed Twihards and ever since Casey Anthony got away, Nancy Grace has been waiting to chew on a trashy white girl who looks an albino rat's soft peen.

Here's RPattz at the NYC premiere of Cosmopolis last night and at the NYSE this morning. The black and blue ensemble is really, really subtle. You can't tell from these pictures, but also at the premiere last night were dozens of Twihards screaming at RPattz to let them seal the cracks in his heart with their panty pudding.