Get It Girl
Tommy Girl's titties are sitting up real nice in that turtleneck and that dude in the glasses definitely agrees with me. He is taken with Tommy's titty game and then some.
Tommy has never been accused of being the sharpest tool in the shed, but at last night's Hollywood premiere of Oblivion, everybody accused him of being the sharpest bitch on the carpet. Turtlenecks are just crew neck sweaters with foreskin, so course Tommy worked that top like the alien invasion is coming and this is the last time we'll ever see him. I hope Tommy doubled up on panties last night, because you know he was squirting out barley nectar just from thinking about how he had wool foreskin around his neck. I don't know if it's the uncut peen sweater or if he put an extra pair of lifts in his shoes, but he almost looks statuesque. Work it till those Thetans gag on your fabulousness, bitch.
And here's Melissa Leo and Olga Kurylenko trying to out-glamour Tommy last night. (They failed.)
Leonardo DiCatchAHo is supposedly sexing on his Wolf of Wall Street co-star Margot Robbie, but he was seen doing the halfway side huge with a different blonde piece in Miami the other day AND InTouch (via Wetpaint) says that he's also got a Victoria's Secret model on the side. Leonardo has already dated VS models Gisele Bundchen, Bar Refaeli, Anne V, Erin Heatherton and now he's supposedly getting it on with 19-year-old Barbara Palvin. VS should just go ahead and change the name of their VS Angels to Leonardo's Hos.
A source tells InTouch that 38-year-old Leo is only casually dating (read: daytime fuck buddies) Barbara Palvin and he's not looking to settle down with one trick anytime soon. The source also said, "Leo loves seeing lots of different girls. He can’t be alone.”
"Loves seeing lots of different girls" and "can't be alone" is a really long-winded way of saying DUDE IS A TAYLOR SWIFT!
Before Barbara Palvin supposedly rolled around naked with George Clooney Junior, she got on Justin Bieber for a minute. Barbara denies humping the Bieb (wouldn't you?) and I read somewhere that she's got a boyfriend and every time she's photographed with a famous dude the tabloids put them together. Judging by that picture of Barbara Pelvic Exam and Leonardo at some event in Hollywood, I can't tell if anything is going on. But then again, Leonardo looks like he's trying to keep the dry heaves from crawling up his throat and that's usually the natural reaction of a person who just found out that the person he touched tongues with touched tongues with Justin Bieber recently. Story developing (not really)....
(pic via Instagram)
Life & Style said yesterday that Sharon Stone is now single and is going to put on her best boy catchin' outfit, strut to the nearest high school with Demi Moore and get themselves some seniors. The source said that 54-year-old Sharon is into politics and activism and her 30-year-old Argentinean model boyfriend Martin Mica isn't into that stuff, so she took the saddle off of his back and stopped riding him. But yesterday Sharon Stone let everyone know that she's still riding on Martin Mica by putting on a show for the paps on the ho stroll.
This is how you answer a rumor. You don't have your publicist push the "generic answer to breakup rumor" button on the statement machine. You put on your silver disco shoes and tell your piece to grab his knapsack, because you're going to show all those bitches the truth as you walk him to school in Beverly Hills.
I was reading about this at another site and one of the commenters wondered if Sharon Stone knows that he's just using her for money. Excuse you? Nobody uses Sharon Stone. If anything, he's the one paying for everything, because it is an honor to be seen with the goddess from Diabolique, Basic Instinct 2, Intersection (confession: I am the one person who saw Intersection and I saw it twice in the theaters. Not even at a discount theater either. What is wrong with me?), Casino, Total Recall, Gloria, Sliver, Catwoman, The Muse, King Solomon's Mines and...need I go on? (Please say "no," because I'm running out of movies to name and I really don't want to have to type the words "Alpha Dog.")
I really need to take a brush-up course on Marisa Tomei's love life at the University of Phoenix online, because I'm so not up-to-date on the goings on of her vagina, so I had no idea that Logan Marshall-Green has been making regular, if not daily, visits to it for over 4 years. Marisa and Tom Hardy's junior clone have been dating on and off since 2008 and now they're totally on in a major way, because InTouch (via DM) says they are getting married. When Marisa's best friend Rosie Perez asked her why in the hell would she marry a dude who is 12 years younger than her and has a baboon heart (LMG does not have a baboon heart), she said, "I don't make sense, he don't make sense, together we make sense!" Yes, I've watched Untamed Heart way too many times.
Marisa and Logan haven't confirmed this yet, but a source says he gave her an engagement ring around the holiday times, because everybody gave everybody an engagement ring around the holiday times. That source said, “He popped the question over the holidays. She is very happy."
Congratulations to Marisa and the dude with a beaver tail for hair. Will somebody please get them another fucking bike, a two-seater bike or a front chair (like this one) as a wedding gift? Just look at these bitches trying to ride double. You're grown up actors! You're not Cirque du Soleil acrobats or middle schoolers during summer break. Leave the "2 hos, 1 bike" trick to the professionals.
And "Logan Marshall-Green" sounds like the fancy, full name for a green loogie. Green Loogie only goes by the name Green Loogie instead of Logan Marshall-Green, because it doesn't want people to know it came from a rich family. The next time you cough up a green loogie, say you coughed up a Logan Marshall-Green. It'll make you sound way more proper and refined.
TMZ said a week or so ago that there was zero truth to the rumor that Demi Moore was nibbling on Lindsay Lohan's discarded and stale pink taco (not SamRo). The rumor was that Demi Moore is wrapping her cougar cooch around LiLo's old piece Harry Morton, heir to the Rock Hard empire and owner of the restaurant chain Pink Taco. A witness type tells Page Six that TMZ's sources are barfing out nuggets made of lies, because MoorMor is happening.
The witness saw 50-year-old Demi holding hands with 31-year-old Harry Morton while strolling through the Stanley Kubrick exhibit at LACMA in L.A. with friends including Russell Brand. Another source said that Demi and Harry have been friends for a million years, but that they've been getting closer (aka wet humping until the tube of KY goes dry) during the past few weeks.
Does Demi even work, like a job, anymore? It seems like when she isn't doing tequila shots off the shaft of Mexican salchicha in Mexico, she's making Lenny Kravitz uncomfortable in Miami and when she's not making Lenny Kravitz uncomfortable in Miami, she's holding hands with Lindsay Lohan's leftovers in L.A. Bitch doesn't work. All she does is party, fuck, dance, drink and hold hands. And now that she's dating Harry Morton, she gets free tacos too. So while she's feeding her taco, she gets to eat free tacos. Demi is living the dream.
I've only been to confession a couple of times and not once did the priest end our session by saying, "Say ten Hail Marys and before you go in peace, would like to buy some meth?" I feel so cheated.
I've been waiting for the Global Catholic Network to get into scripted television and now here's the perfect plot for their first dramedy. Monsignor Kevin Wallin, former pastor at St. Augustine's Cathedral in Bridgeport, CT, was charged earlier this month for being part of a nationwide drug ring. The CTPost (via JMG) says that Msgr. Kevin was indicted on six charges and he could face a life sentence if convicted. St. Augustine's issued a statement saying that they are "shocked," but that they stand by him and are ready to help him through this difficult time. But the fuckery doesn't stop there. This isn't just your regular old-fashioned Catholic priest turned meth dealer story.
Msgr. Kevin resigned as pastor of St. Augustine's two years ago due to "health and personal problems." "Health and personal problems" is just Catholic priest talk for "getting caught with legal dick up your ass, " because the CTPost says that he was forced to resign after the church found out that he was fucking "odd-looking" cross dressers in the rectory while wearing women's clothes. (More like fucking in the rectumory.) Church officials also found sex toys in Msgr. Kevin's room. They suspended him and continued to pay him a stipend all the way up until he was arrested for selling meth.
After Msgr. Kevin left the church, he continued to sell meth and at his peak, he was making $9,000 a week. He used some of that money to open up a sex shop in North Haven called Land of Oz. Investigators believe that he used the store to launder the thousands of dollars he made in selling meth. Msgr. Kevin still kept in contact with officials from the Catholic church and he used to go see musicals with his mentor, former N.Y. Cardinal Edward Egan and parishioners
A rep for the Diocese said:
"We had no indication he had a drug problem and never had complaints regarding him and drugs. We approached him and he admitted he was struggling a bit and shortly after that he resigned (July 2011) and the bishop granted him a sabbatical.
The rep went on to say, "And at least he wasn't raping underage boys. That's a first!"
So to recap: Msgr. Kevin is a meth-addicted, drug-dealing former Catholic priest who hollered out show tunes while getting butt banged by a cross dresser in the rectory. Walter White seriously has nothing on this bitch! If priests told stories like this during mass, I'd be in church every single night. Hell, I'd be in church right now. These are the kind of stories I want to hear.
When the CTPost asked one of St. Augustine's parishioners for a quote, she said, "There is an evil invading our world and it has come to our church."
Well, somebody's jealous that Msgr. Kevin looks sexier than she does in a pink négligée.
It's been about eight months since Henry Cavill broke up with his drunk-driving, horse-abusing (allegedly!) fiancee and sadly during that eight months he didn't rebound into your bed. He rebounded into Gina Carano's bed instead. Henry and Gina officially came out as a couple at last night's Critics' Choice Awards in Santa Monica, CA and he also officially came out as a user of Sun-In, because THAT HAIR.
Gina, who was nominated for Best Actress in an Action Movie for Haywire, and Henry have been bumping hard nips since September. That's what E! says anyway. There's a rumor that they first met on the set of the Man of Steel, because Gina shot a cameo as a Wonder Woman. I'll wait to raise my "PIMP MAMA KRIS WAS ROBBED" picket sign until this news is confirmed as true.
Henry and Gina make sense to me, because he supposedly got it on with Jillian Michaels back in the day, so he obviously loves a woman who can crack his hip bones with her thigh muscles of solid steel while riding him. And no to Gina's fug dress, but yes to the "Superman Is doing the Superman on me. Jealous?" face she's making.
While Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis shuffled around like two miserable blobs in sweatpants, Demi Moore shook her ass to "Buss It Wide Open" on top of a rattan ottoman next to a pool at a resort in Tulum, Mexico! While Ashton and Mila stared at each other across the eating table while slowly chewing their dinner of rubbery fish, Demi shook a can of Corona, opened it up and then sprayed beer all over her tits for the boys! While Ashton and Mila had missionary sex during commercial breaks for Nightline, Demi wore out her cougar coochie by hopping on young dick after young dick. Yes, Demi is getting it and how!
Some source tells Star (via Radar) that Demi spent Christmas week at a weight-loss bootcamp in Tulum, Mexico. The source says that the bootcamp was held at a fancy resort and usually successful women in their 30s and 40s go there to get spiritual and shit, but Demi went there to get some peen. One guest said that Demi brought many a young dude back to her room and woke up the entire resort with her loud cougar cries of ecstasy.
“Demi was clearly after younger men on this trip; they were all about 28 to 33. There were three or four older guys staying at the resort, fifty-plus, and I don’t think she talked to them at all.”
Demi is obviously just following Mexico's official country motto: "Don't Drink The Water, But Do Ride The Young Dick."
The source (who is probably a 50-plus dude) also said that Demi wanted everybody to call her "Topper."
"Demi wanted to be addressed by the name 'Topper,' an esoteric reference to a 1937 Cary Grant film in which a man lives his life to the fullest. Demi almost came across as, I wouldn’t go as far as to say bipolar, but up and down. Her back-and-forth behavior just kind of killed the mood.”
Topper didn't come from a Cary Grant movie. Topper is what Ashton used to call Demi whenever he wanted her to peg him. And this source sounds bitter. The source shouldn't hate Demi just because they were on a weight-loss vacation and she was on a dick-gain fuckation. They should know that it's always spring break in Demi's world.
Earlier this year, "random" was redefined when pictures came out of Robin Wright lovingly popping a zit on Ben Foster's forehead (that's what she was doing, right?) in the middle of a restaurant in Australia. And here they are 10 months later, walking arm-in-arm in a parking lot after shopping at Fred Segal in Santa Monica, CA yesterday. So basically, this Christmas, Robin Wright gets to sit and spin on Ben Foster and as for Sean Penn....
In a South American hotel room, a high-priced pussy peddler is trying to contain her eye roll while a sweaty and naked Sean Penn lies in the fetal position in her arms and snorts out coke boogers while bawling about how nobody has ever truly loved him before. Grease and scalp cheese gets between her fingers as she strokes his oily mop and tries to shut his annoying ass up by letting out a quiet "shhhhh" every now and again. Earlier in the night when Sean munched her butt in between shouting, "Tell your comrade you love it, Hugo. Tell your comrade!", she thought that would be the worst part of their date, but she was wrong. Bitch is not getting paid enough to listen to Sean Penn's whining. Her Christmas is totally ruined.
Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher still haven't filed for divorce from each other and a couple of tabloids say that she wants him back, and sometimes cuddles with a bottle of douche to remember what it's like to spoon with him. But Page Six says that if Demi is crying out tears for Ashton, then she's using those tears to lube herself up for fuck times with her new dude Vito Schnabel. Demi is 50 (cut to Demi kicking, stretching and kicking) and Vito Schnabel is 26 (in Lohan years, obviously).
Vito is the art dealer son of painter and filmmaker Julian Schnabel, so he's around famous types a lot. Vito is also used to being the cub, because he dated Elle Macpherson when he was 21 and she was 44. A source says that Vito and Demi have been hanging out for a few weeks. Earlier this month, guests at a birthday party in India for Naomi Campbell's hot billionaire boyfriend all watched as Demi and Vito got down on the dance floor. The source said that as Diana Ross performed, Demi and Vito "were dancing and grinding all over each other, openly, in front of other guests."
If you need a visual of Demi and Vito throwing down some sweet, sexy moves on the dance floor, then press play on a classic (you knew this was coming). Demi will play the part of Demi and Ashton will play the part of Vito. (If for some reason, you need a visual of a zombie having a seizure while red ants attack its armpits and b-hole, this video will give you that visual too.)
I can't fully hate on this. Demi and Vito look good together, and that's mostly because they both look like root vegetables molded out of clay. They're also a good pair, because Demi can use her razor sharp cheeks to cut away any rogue hairs from Vito's perfectly pruned brows.