Drake

Former Mr. Eva Longoria, Tony Parker, was at W.i.P nightclub the night Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown's entourages got into a bottle-throwing, bloody bitch brawl. Tony had to go to the hospital after the fight, because a shard of glass flew into his eye and cut up his cornea. Tony is now suing a bitch and he's not suing Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown for acting like rabid toddlers on roids. Tony is suing the nightclub...for $20 million. THIS BITCH. Oh wait, Tony has a scratched eyeball, so he might not be able to see that. Let me try again:

THIS BITCH. 

TMZ says that in the lawsuit filed yesterday, Tony says that the club security should've known it was a bad move to put Drake and Chris Brown in the same section together. Tony goes on to say that the club made shit worse by continuing to serve Chris and Drake as much booze as they ordered. Tony thinks that the club cared more about making money than the safety of the other hos in the club. Tony is suing for $20 million, because his NBA career will be affected if his cornea doesn't heal all the way.

From now on, Tony Parker should follow my rule about clubs. I only go to classy clubs that don't have a VIP section, don't do bottle service and serve all their booze in plastic cups. A rule to live by.

And Tony's ass should really sue Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown instead. They're the ones with the money and they're the douchebags who started it all. The only way this lawsuit makes sense is if you told me that a shard of glass also made its way up to Tony's head and cut the part of his brain that produces reasonable thoughts.

A strange thing happened at WIP nightclub in NYC last night, Chris Brown raged at a person and the person was not a woman. Just when you think you start to know the world, it does something like this. Both TMZ and Media Takeout say that Drake's entourage got into a bottle-throwing bitch brawl with Fist Brown's entourage over RiRi's Entenmann's pussy. Yeah, so can you tell your office label maker to please make a label for this file that reads: Dumb ho fights dumb ho over dumb ho. Thank you.

The rumor is that RiRi is patting her vagina with the peens of both Chris Brown and Wheelchair Jimmy. So there was douche-ified tension in the room last night when both of those bitches showed up with their crews. Fist tried to break the awkwardness by sending a bottle over to Wheelchair Jimmy's table. A source tells MTO that Wheelchair Jimmy responded by returning the bottle to sender with the note: “I'm fucking the love of your life, deal with it." Being the spoiled mound of toddler dingles that he is, Chris Brown busted into a tantrum, got in Drake's face and that's when Drake started throwing punches. If the person Chris is brawling against doesn't have a vagina, he's not quite sure how to handle it. So as he scratched his head wondering what to do, someone from Wheelchair Jimmy's gang beat that bitch in the face with a bottle several times. The blood of the rabid beaver sprayed everywhere.

Club security broke up the fight and the police were called. But when the cops showed up, Drake and Chris were already gone. Chris then jumped on Twitter and tweet whined about the fight before putting up this gross picture of the sign of Wheelchair Jimmy on his chin. (Note: That's Chris' nose ring and not a piece of a tampon string or a weird-looking coke flake). Chris' stupid ass obviously doesn't know that when you tweet it, they will screen grab it, because after raging on Twitter he deleted everything. But the evidence had already been captured by then. Behold, the parade of n-words:

How u party wit rich niggas that hate? Lol... Throwing bottles like girls? #shameonya!

Niggas is pussy!

Bottles? It's nothing. Lol

Niggas throwing bottles! Y'all niggaz weak!

Niggas hiding in the bathroom bitch ass niggas!

Ok! Niggas stand behind security!!!! Ok! U don't pay them enough!

If you read that as, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! OK!" you still read it right. "Throwing bottles like girls?" Yeah, because real men throw punches at girls.

I want to open my mouth to laugh at that picture, but I'm afraid of what will come out while I'm staring deep up into Chris Brown's nostrils. I also want to do a wheelie for Team Wheelchair Jimmy, but I can't. I'll just sit with Team Bottle, because it's the only reasonable one in this situation.

And here's RiRi sashaying around NYC last night.