Archives

You know what question I'm talking about since you're asking that question right now while staring at that picture of THE QUEEN! What kind of royal secrets are hiding within The Queen's beloved pocketbook? The pocketbook that she takes with her to sit on both royal thrones. The pocketbook that she cuddles with at night. The pocketbook that is her conjoined twin and her only confidante. Memaws are serious about their handbags and The Queen has never been an exception. But a royal biographer, who is obviously going to be executed soon for committing treason, did some ninja-like shit to uncover what lies beneath Her Majesty's handbag.

In Sally Bedell Smith's new book, she claims the following shit always has a place in The Queen's pocketbook. From The Telegraph (via Jezebel):

- A mirror, because every queen must have a portable mirror with her to ask who the fairest of all is. (FYI: When The Queen asks, this is what her mirror shows her.)

- A £5 or £10 note to drop in the donation basket at church on Sundays.

- Mints, lipstick, reading glasses and a pen.

- A plastic suction cup with a hook to hang her best friend on. An anonymous source explained it like this: “I watched the Queen open her handbag and remove a white suction cup and discreetly spit into it. The Queen then attached the cup to the underside of the table. The cup had a hook on it, and she attached her handbag to it.”

The Queen ain't the one to let her precious purse sit on the floor where the dirt of a commoner's common shoes lie. Sally also wrote that if Her Majesty needs a pair of gloves, her ladies-in-waiting hold on to that kind of shit for her. But you know, this is kind of disappointing and it must be some kind of cover up. I refuse to believe that The Queen's pocketbook isn't filled with bricks (for when she really needs to fuck a bitch up by hitting them over the head) and a lone house slipper (for when she really needs to slap one of her grandchildren in the teeth for sass talking). I won't take any other answer.

And unfortunately, I don't have any answers for the other question that just loaded into your brain which is: Why the fuck did I read this shit?

Since we're on the subject of THE ROYALS!!!, here's the tingle of my loins Prince Hot Ginge leaving some club in London last night with Becks. That scratch on his nose? Yup, sass talking to his memaw again.

Blue Ivy Carter won't push out a caca unless it's going into a rabbit fur diaper lined in Scottish cashmere and she won't roll out of her $22,000 crib unless someone is shaking a canary diamond-encrusted rattle at her, so it's no surprise that apparently she has six nannies and a diamond collection. Some source tells InTouch Weekly (via IDLYITW) that the holy spawn of Beysus and Jay-Zeus always has a personal nanny on hand whenever she needs to spit up on someone (like she's going to spit on herself) or needs someone to drag away the House of Dereon's court jester (Basement Baby) from her sight. B.I.C.'s plans to out Veruca Salt Suri Cruise are going well according to some friend:

According to a friend, the new mom has two nannies on call at all times, which makes for a total of six nannies for little Blue Ivy Carter. “Beyonce wanted to make sure that her daughter has the best of care,” a friend of the singer tells In Touch. “Her diaper is changed every hour.” And proud papa Jay-Z, 42, is also lavishing attention on the newborn – by way of bling. “Jay-Z bought her diamond earrings and a platinum baby bracelet,” reveals the friend. “Even her bottle has pink sapphires on it.”

The rivalry (in my bored head) between Suri and B.I.C is heating up (no, it's not)!

Since we're all keeping score, Blue Ivy has six nannies and Suri Cruise has a team of robots-in-waiting provided by Scientology and her own mom is pretty much her personal mule. Point goes to Suri. Blue Ivy has diamond earrings and a platinum bracelet, and Suri Cruise has a tiara made of polished moon rock and a Chanel clutch that doubles as a taser for when Stepford Katie ever acts wrong. Point goes to Suri. Blue Ivy has a bottle with pink sapphires on it and Suri Cruise has only been photographed with a plastic bottle in her hand, embarrassing. Point goes to B.I.C.

So with all that, this story only gets two and a half Angry Suris out of five.

Julio CC Lopez, Mario Lopez's douchebag of a dog.

On Thursday night, I dragged myself out of my hermit cavern of cookie crumbs and American Stuffers reruns (Note: That show is fucked up) to go to Julie Klausner's live podcast show where she introduced me to the creepy Twitter world of Julio CC Lopez. Mario Lopez took a break from lifting nipple weights with his nipples (to put even more muscles on his nipples) and he queefed out a Twitter page for his dog Julio Lopez. Julio Lopez's Twitter is a safe place where Mario can drop the whole fake G-rated personality he gives us on Extra and be his true self: a bitch-loving douche hole slut. If the canine world was asking for their own version of Joe Francis, Mario Lopez as Julio Lopez would be their answer. Let us count thee ways....

There's a chance that one of my uncles is Julio CC Lopez's ghost Twitterer, so I'm just going to say that I'd rather hang out with Julio CC Lopez than Mario Lopez. But you should still keep your precious bitches away from Julio. Julio is the kind of douche who will sprinkle roofie powder on his butt hole before your dog sniffs on it.

Alice Cooper (64)
Carly Patterson (24)
Bug Hall (27)
Shandi Sullivan (29)
Kimberly Wyatt (30)
Gavin DeGraw (35)
Cam'ron (36)
Natalie Imbruglia (37)
Oscar De La Hoya (39)
Rob Corddry (41)
Gabrielle Anwar (42)
Clint Black (50)
Dan Quayle (65)
George A. Romero (72)
Jerry Adler (83)