Before Beyonce gets doused with a bucket of metallic paint, rolled in rhinestone dust, attacked by a pack of wigs and sprayed with the sweat of a thousand Glittery Gays of YouTube, she looks like this.

This morning in Rio de Janeiro, Beyonce slipped on her custom-made "just rolled out of bed" lacefront and greeted her fans on the balcony of her hotel room. And by "custom-made," I mean Solange was down in the basement teasing and knotting that thing so it could look as natural as possible. Basement Baby gets an A+!

The marriage of The Real Housewives of Orange's Tamra Barney and that creepy Simon dude is currently in the gutter right next to Lynne Curtin's parenting skills and Alexis' call girl past (I'm convinced she has one). Radar says that right after Simon filed for divorce from Tamra, she ran off to cry on the peen belonging to Eddie Judge. Eddie is Simon's best friend.

Simon said that when he saw the two holding hands at a club in Las Vegas, he was so devastated that he dropped to his knees ala graceful Vicki. Somebody give Lynne a sippy cup filled with Freixenet, because we're going to need her to cry Botox tears for Simon. Turns on the tears, Lynne:

After Simon pulled a dramatic queen cunt move by falling to the floor, he confronted his best friend Eddie who kept quiet. Simon went on to say, "I couldn't believe what I had just witnessed -- the ultimate betrayal by a pal and my estranged wife. I started to feel weak and feel to my knees. The doorman helped me and by the time I had regained my composure they both left to the other side of the club."

Tamra confirms that she's whoring it up with Simon's best friend, "We are romantically involved, he is a great guy. It was bound to happen that we both would start dating again after he filed for divorce. It was going to happen sooner or later. I don't know what the future holds with Eddie and only time will tell."

The only thing I need to know is if this Eddie dude can keep Tamra in the lifestyle to which she used to be accustomed to before Simon's checking account flat-lined. Tamra deserves to live in the biggest track house on the cul-de-sac, drive a pre-owned BMW and wear the finest rags Off Saks has to offer. On second thought, scratch everything I wrote because I just had a last-minute vision of a barefoot Tamra hunting for empty cans in the dumpster and it brought a twinkle to my soul.

Oh, and can someone tell Lynne she can stop crying for Simon now:

If any more moisture seeps out of her, she's going to shrivel down into a damn raisin. And how entertaining would it be to watch a drunk raisin? Actually, it would be really entertaining. Cry on, Lynne!

I never understood why Hugh Hefner's pacemaker skipped two beats for his ex-girlfriends The Shannon Twins. They were so below average on every level to me. I figured he liked the choo choo choo noises they made when they spoon fed him. But after seeing these pictures of them at Playboy's Super Bowl party this past weekend, I now see what Hef sees. Like me, Hef has a soft spot for Fresno meth hooker hair circa 1987 (aka "chola going to spring formal" hair aka 90s teen mom hair aka Sav-On cashier hair).

This is the kind of hair you get when all you've got is a travel-sized bottle of gel and a gas station sink. When your trick gets a little too carried away and sprays the party all over your hair, simply rinse it off in a sink (a garden hose will do too), shake the water out, apply a generous amount of gel and scrunch your way to instant glamour! In just a few minutes, you'll look just like these two day-shift pussy peddlers.

I should've never doubted Hef's cataract encrusted eye. He knows what's good.

Here's the other junkies, tramps and thieves who showed up for the potato buffet at the Playboy Mansion yesterday. They are: Mini-Me, Chuy, The Two Coreys, The New Landers Sisters, Daisy de la Whora, nuns from the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and Brittania from Rock of Love Bus.

Donatella Versace tells Love Magazine that she does not believe in natural beauty:

"I don't even know what my natural color is. Natural? What is natural? What is that? I do not believe in totally natural for women. For me, natural has something to do with vegetables."

This is basically a slap in the face to the organic flower known as Shauna Sand.

(Quote via The Independent - Image via Your nightmare's Twitter account)

As Detective La Toya predicted CENTURIES AGO, Dr. Conrad Murray was charged with involuntary manslaughter in the death of Michael Jackson. Prosecutors believe they have enough evidence to prove that Connie unlawfully killed MJ by over-medicating his ass with Propofol and other drugs.

The documents state that Connie "did unlawfully, and without malice, kill Michael Joseph Jackson ... in the commission of an unlawful act, not a felony; and in the commission of a lawful act which might have produced death, in an unlawful manner, and without due caution and circumspection."

E! says that Conrad will plead "not guilty" to the charge. If convicted, Connie could get up to 4 years in the chokey. Or if the court is feeling evil, they could throw him in a locked room with the big scary butchie bitch in the picture above. She's the one in the black t-shirt who could break a strap-on just by thrusting her crotch at it.

Here's Connie and the Jackson family (sans Janet) arriving at the court house today.

We all need a break from the long-haired dead rat on Brad Pitt's chin, so here's a picture of Brangelina back in the olden days before they were Brangelina. And waaaay before the News of the World caused the ozone layer to melt by reporting two weeks ago that the super force known as Brangelina was dead.

That story was picked up by CNN, MSNBC, Fox News and every single one of your family members who drove you to reach for the straitjacket by asking, "Did you hear....?" Well, Brangie is trying to officially kill the rumor by suing the News of the World. I don't have a copy of the History of Brangelina Bible close by, but I think this is the first time they have ever sued a tabloid.

The BBC reports:

In a story published on 24 January, the paper said the couple would separate and had agreed the division of assets and custody of their children.

The couple's lawyer, Keith Schilling, called the "widely republished" allegations "false and intrusive".

He added the paper had failed to meet "reasonable demands" for an apology.

He said the pair had also asked for a retraction of the allegations, which had subsequently been "widely republished by mainstream news outlets".

You better believe Brangie is going to sue NOTW out of house and home! Then when the NOTW's newly homeless and hungry children are crying on the sidewalk for a crumb of bread, Brangelina will swoop by in their Saint Mobile and adopt every single one of them. And when they win a Nobel Peace Prize for saving the children of impoverished tabloid editors, they will forgive the News of the World with a full heart. That will win them another Nobel Prize.

The Super Bowl as seen through the eyes of Tommy Girl - Mattchew

Boobs courtesy of Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler - Popsugar

Marisa Miller's teeny tiny ass crack - Hollywood Tuna

Carrie Underwears didn't get the memo that head-to-toe white only looks hot on Elvis - Lainey Gossip

Draggy Justin Timberlake still looks more feminine than Jessica Biel - Towleroad

Even more nakedness from Love Magazine - Egotastic!

Blake Lively in a bikini (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Suri Cruise is starting to grow and it's freaking me out - Just Jared

What in the name of the Regal Beagle is Jenna Jameson wearing? - Hollywood Rag

Lindsay Lohan is not only full of collagen, but she's also full of shit - Celebitchy

Vampire Beeeeeeehl is giving us some leg - I'm Not Obsessed

Blah..blah...blah... But when they are going to make a movie out of Dear John the TV show starring Judd Hirsch? - SOW

Shit your grandma says about Jersey Shore - Cityrag

Dolph Lundgren knows how to open a show - Holy Moly!

Keira Knightley's stalker looks like a stalker - ICYDK

A famewhoring Kardashian always gets its shot - Socialite Life

Don't threaten us with a good time, Carey Hart - Popbytes

This is all I can show of the full caption picture since it features nipples, blurry vag and dildos. The full mess is after the jump and it's not safe for your cubicle. JUMP!

The Kitty Halftime Show from last night's Puppy Bowl is just as entertaining to watch while completely sober. I can type that with confidence, because I just watched it again while not under the influence of sugar wafers (there was a special) and hard lemonade. This also lets me know that I have a touch of Susan Boyle in me, because this is like porn to her. This is her Q-Tip.

Since we're on the subject of halftime shows, here's the full video from the OTHER halftime show starring Pete Townshend's pepaw pouch.

Maddox won't even shake that hand. Hell, he won't air kiss it! That strange hand just needs to leave its offering at Maddox's feet and BE GONE!

So yesterday was supposed to be Maddox and his pet billy goat's play date at the Super Bowl, but of course St. Angie had to fly in on her angel-drawn chariot and crash the party! Angie Jo joined Maddox and Billy Goat Brad in a private box to bless the Saints. And while in their private box, Brad and Angie were all over each like Aniston and her Pillow Person. They even kissed on the lips!

Of course, this is just the latest song in the never-ending dance-off between the Brangeloonies and the Brangeh8erz.

One half is saying (these are real comments from a real website): "Maybe they should tell Maddox that he should be happy too!! He looks sad, while his psyco mom and smelly dad are just looking for the cameras to put on a show!! What losers!!!"

And the other half is screaming: "It’s sad that haters hate them but that’s okay because love loves them. These photos are pure because they are in a private suite and generally the windows are tinted in some sky boxes. I promise you they did not know some photog decided to snap intimate moments of them throughout the whole game."

"Love loves them" has become my new favorite laxative of choice.

The only thing these pictures really tell me is that Angie really has a lot of restraint. How can her mouth get that close to Brad's goat beard without chewing it off?