Your genitals probably jumped off of your body, ran out the door, threw themselves into a bucket, and begged a kind soul to fill that shit with concrete before throwing ’em into the lake so they can be at peace sleeping with the fishes.
Because Tom Hardy really wants to hear the words “two-time Oscar nominee” said every time his name is announced in a movie trailer, he slathered on forty five layers of cartoony ugly to play Al Capone in the biopic Fonzo. (Yes, I too am pissed that there’s a movie called Fonzo and it’s not about a late-in-life Fonzie or the love child of Gonzo and Fozzie Bear, but that’s not what we’re here to bitch about today.) Fonzo follows Al Capone’s last years alive after he gets out of the clink in 1939 (he died in 1947) and has dementia. It also stars Matt Dillon, Zack from Showgirls, and Linda Cardellini. The producers released the first official picture of Tom Hardy as Al Capone, and they now owe me a new vat of holy water (you should always keep one next to your laptop for reasons like this), because I used mine on this cursed image!
For reference, this is what Al Capone looked like in 1939:
Fotos del Mafioso Al Capone el día que entró en la prisión de Terminal Island en #California en 1939.
— O. Bula Escobar (@omarbula) July 15, 2018
Fuck this world for the fact that Bob Hoskins died without playing Al Capone.
I am definitely not getting Al Capone from that Tom Hardy pic. A zombie Marlon Brando? Yes. An embalmed Bela Lugosi? Sure. A geriatric Gollum as a Dick Tracy villain? I see it. But not Al Capone. That could maybe pass for Al Capone’s half brother who is The Penguin’s son, is perpetually constipated, and got a chemical face peel with battery acid. And yes that half brother’s name is Alfonse Capone.
Pic: Bron Studios