The Grinch is working overtime this year and is trying to ruin Christmas already even though it’s still only November. Instead of crawling on his belly like a snake and stealing gifts, this year he’s trying to hit us where it really hurts: by working us over with a decidedly UN-festive gut punch. The Grinch gave Mariah Carey the vocal clap!
Mariah delivered the tragic news via Twitter.
— Mariah Carey (@MariahCarey) November 15, 2017
Bleak indeed! Can we all just pack it in and fast forward to New Year’s now? Christmas without Mariah is like, well I don’t know what. Was there ever even such a thing as Christmas before Mariah? Many people credit Charles Dickens with popularizing (and commercializing) Christmas as we know it today. But before Mariah, Christmas was just Scrooge battling his inner demons accompanied by some weird British fruit cake. No thanks, Charles. Nobody likes the sound of or knows what figgy pudding is so give it a rest.
Now some of you skeptics and haters of joy might be rolling your eyes at Mimi’s “lovely upper respiratory infection” excuse. Well you can fuck right off. If Mimi is canceling Christmas shows it has absolutely nothing to do with her new boss baby or her alleged new baby tummy or that itty bitty lawsuit. Mimi is a singer, dahling. The only thing keeping her from giving her lambs 110% is because of whatever Mimi says it’s because of.
Mimi just can’t sing good right now, ok? Yes, I hear you Santa-hating haters. You’re saying that not being able to sing has never stopped Mimi from “performing” in the past but this is different. This is Christmas. She has to save her energy for hawking her atrocious straight-to-the-cloud movie called All I Want For Christmas Is You, which features a Bratz doll version of baby Mariah that, presumably, sings All I Want For Christmas Is You. That’s all we’ll be hearing on the matter.