And yes, I imagine that John Stamos approached his fiancee as she lay on the bed, dropped his towel and said, “I, John Stamos, am ready to procreate,” before dimming the lights by clapping.
Many think of John Stamos as the Great Value George Clooney, because like George, it seemed like he had become allergic to marriage after divorcing Rebecca Romijn. It also seemed like he’d never clean barf from his own baby off of his button down. But like George again, John made it clear that he’s ready to settle his peen on one crotch when he got engaged to his 31-year-old girlfriend Caitlin McHugh at Disneyland (Uncle Jesse would spit at Stamos in sappy disgust for getting engaged at fucking Disneyland). And John is also ready to be a daddy, for real.
John is 54 years old, and many 54 year old men are looking to close down their sperm factory, but he’s looking to open his up for business. At the Garry Marshall Theater’s First Founders Gala on Monday night, Entertainment Tonight asked John Stamos about having kids. John said that he’s making plans to bust raw fetus-creating nuts up into Caitlin, because it would be a Bee Gees song if he didn’t make little Stamoses.
“I hope [to have kids]. That’s always been my plan. It’s just taken me a lot longer than I anticipated. It would be a tragedy if I didn’t have children and I finally found the right woman — the perfect woman.”
It would seriously be a tragedy for everyone if John Stamos’ genes stopped at John Stamos. No one would inherit his magnificent smile, his spectacular locks, his magnetic charisma and his gift for peddling yogurt to middle-aged women.
And I know that I want John Stamos to have kids, because I really want to live in a world where two siblings are named Have and Mercy. If John doesn’t name his kids that, he doesn’t deserve to be a dad.