Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton performed their eyeroll-summoning duet “Go Ahead And Break My Heart” on the Billboard Music Awards last night. And when “she” came out, I figured that the real Gwen finally woke up from her dickmatized haze and pulled out of the performance at the last minute and so producers replaced her with a melting Donatella Versace wax figure, hoping that nobody would notice. But everyone noticed and many said the same thing that Saint West says to his au pair-in-waiting when either his mom or dad comes to visit him: “Who is she?”
Gwen dropped her usual red lipstick and black Sharpie eyeliner, and instead slapped every shade of sparkly beige paint onto her face, and finished the look off with a dusty ass eyebrow situation and one of Jennifer Lopez’s old dresses. The last time Gwen and Blake sang their heave-worthy duet, they really brought the cheese and laid it on thick. But last night, even they looked like they were over it and gave off the chemistry of a burnt-out match and a puddle of water. In almost every shot of Blake, it looks like he’s thinking to himself, “Harpo, who dis woman I’m singing with?”
And I really wasn’t into Gwen’s beige Barbie look until one of my friends texted me after the show and said she looked like Pete Burns in ~natural~ makeup. That made me sort of love Gwen’s look, because Pete Burns in ~natural~ makeup IS the look. But still, hillbilly dick should come with a warning, because it has the power to change your face!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty