The sport of centerpiece claiming is serious in my family. At nearly every family wedding, my cousins and aunties claim a centerpiece before they even sit down. You know how on The Real Housewives of Wherever they fight over which room they get in the vacation house? That’s how my cousins and aunties are with centerpieces. As soon as the wedding ceremony finishes, they kicked off their Chinese Laundry heels, slip on their Easy Spirits and sprint to the reception to claim their centerpiece. They grab it and scream, “I’m calling this one! You’re all my witnesses,” or they write their name on a piece of paper and put it under their claimed centerpiece. I’m surprised they don’t mark it with their scent by pissing on it. They spend the entire night watching it and if any trick gets too close to it, they’ll suddenly transform into Dick Butkus in a Petite Liz Claiborne dress and tackle a motherfucker. A family wedding for me is like The Hunger Games, only more brutal and ruthless.
So I laughed when Celebitchy pointed out that millionaire supermodel Gisele Bundchen left the UNEP Champions of the Earth event at Cipriani in NYC with a centerpiece in her hand. I’m sure tickets for that charity event were four thousand million dollars a plate, so Gis pretty much bought that centerpiece. She’s also carrying it like she owns it and like she’s not afraid a little old lady is going to chancleta her in the throat for it. If that was one of my aunties, she wouldn’t be so calm. She’d make her husband and her children guard her as she took her prized possession to the car.
And I don’t see Gisele carrying a plate covered with foil. Poor Tom Brady. I’m sure he’s still grounded from that Super Bowl ring fiasco, so he had to stay at home. When Gisele walked in, his eyes probably lit up and he got all happy thinking that she brought him a piece of cake. But his excited face turned into a sour frown face when he saw her only holding that ugly centerpiece. Sorry, Tom, but rules are rules. No cake during restriction!