Scientology puts out a magazine to their disciples called Celebrity and I guess it’s like People Magazine only a zillion times more insane. Laura Prepon gave an interview to Celebrity about all things Scientology and the half-broken DOS hard drive I call a brain rebooted at least a dozen times while reading it. If you took the words in a Jaden Smith interview, threw them up in the air and then re-arranged them with your eyes closed, it would make more sense than the shit that came out of Laura Prepon’s mouth while talking about Scientology.
In the interview, which was posted by Gawker and scanned by the Laura Prepon Instagram fansite @laurapreponpower, Alex from Orange is the New Black dribbled out words about auditing, thetans, Objectives, Supervisors, Tone Scales, Bridges and the universe. It’s shit you would hear during a business meeting if you worked on a UFO. Gawker has the full interview if you really want to feed that to your brain, but here’s a few choice quotes:
On joining Scientology: “So when I first got into Scientology, I did Personal Values and Integrity and then Overcoming Ups and Downs in Life. These courses touched on the observations I was aware of when I was younger. It was right there in black and white. It was amazing, and I felt that finally something was speaking my language. It totally connected with me. Pretty soon after that I got onto the Purification Rundown, and I started moving up the Bridge.”
On how auditing (which if you’ve seen Going Clear you know it’s an “exercise” where you spill all your secrets while holding tin cans) brought out an old decision she had hidden in her bank: “Honestly, I’ve become more me. The auditing has stripped away all of this charge, false ideas, decisions and mis-emotions that were affecting me. I recently had one of my biggest cognitions in a New Era Dianetics session. I spotted this decision I made a long time ago that was affecting me to this day. It was a huge realization. At the time of the incident, you make a postulate as a ‘pro-survival’ decision, you know? Then to spot it years and years later, after peeling away these layers and then—boom, there it is—it’s mind blowing! To think of it just hiding there in my bank, affecting me.”
On I don’t even know fucking what: “Another big realization I had in my auditing is that there is a bigger picture. This is my career but it does not define me. I am so much bigger than this career and industry. It’s my job and it’s very important to me, but, when I have huge wins in session, and when you really cognate that you are a thetan and you have a mind and body, and that the MEST universe does not control you—it puts things into perspective. It takes the weight off you and things become very easy.”
On how she’s a perfect Scientology poster child and is converting naysayers: “I did a show years ago and the creator of the show was wonderful, but he is a total cynic. He had heard about Scientology, but had some altered viewpoints about it. After he worked with me, he came up said, ‘If you’re a Scientologist, I want to know about it, because you’re an amazing representation of what you’re doing over there.'”
On how Scientology helped her play a drug-dealing lesbian on Orange is the New Black: “I feel that some of my best work I’ve done has been on Orange is the New Black. This show really does push you out of your comfort zone in an amazing way…I feel a lot of the auditing that I’ve had helps me be willing to go there and be free and vulnerable and really jump into these scenes wholeheartedly. There are days where it’s like, okay…let’s do this! And you have to drop all of your pre-conceived ideas, or mis-emotions, or being uncomfortable and just go there. It’s so gratifying and fulfilling as an artist to be able to really be there in present time, creating, with no vias. Auditing has helped me so much in getting to this place. I have more to go and can’t wait for what’s to come. It’s magic, it really is.”
Speaking of magic, I’m disappointed that Laura Prepon did not talk about her gorgeously magical eyebrow situation during that entire interview. Did all of that auditing and layer peeling and bridge climbing give her those over-plucked brows of perfection? Because if so, that’s a selling point (no, it isn’t).