Tiger Woods And Lindsey Vonn Are Over

May 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook today that after almost three years with Tiger Woods, they have tossed their love away the same way one of his pieces tossed her tampon out of an SUV window before he fucked her. Whatever is left of Lindsey and Tiger’s love is now lying next to that used tampon in a Perkins parking lot in Florida.

Lindsey and Tiger caused a mass rolling of eyeballs two years ago when they both announced on Facebook that they were humping on each-other full time. So I guess it’s only fitting that she “announces” their break-up on Facebook too. She either owns stock in Facebook or she’s THAT friend who posts about her break-up on Facebook because she wants people to say shit to her like, “Oh, you’re SO much better than him, honey!” (If that’s what Lindsey wanted, it didn’t work, because one of the first comments under her Facebook post is: “WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT GIRL.”) Here’s what Lindsey dribbled out on FB:

“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together. Unfortunately, we both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart. I will always admire and respect Tiger. He and his beautiful family will always hold a special place in my heart.”

Translation: “It’s very hard to keep a relationship going when you’re always in different places and in his case, by ‘different places’ I mean his side piece’s snatch.”

Tiger shat up his own break-up statement to the world on his site and I don’t know if I should take the first line as shade or not:

“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration, respect and love for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together. She has been amazing with Sam and Charlie and my entire family.¬†Unfortunately, we lead very hectic lives and are both competing in demanding sports. It’s difficult to spend time together.”

This whole break-up feels weird. I mean, I don’t remember reading a tell-all in The National Enquirer from a Waffle House waitress who claims that Tiger bareback boned her on the bed he shares with Lindsey and I don’t remember seeing a TMZ story about how Lindsey read a text he wrote to one of his side pieces and chased him out of the house while waving one of her skis at him. If Tiger breaks up with a woman and there’s no drama behind it, did they really break up? But really, it’s shocking that a big ass cheater with a wandering dick and a chick who hates the sport he plays professionally couldn’t make it work.

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