Pour out a bowl of cheese grits this morning, because the love between Britney Spears and her normal boyfriend Normal Guy Dave (born name: David Lucado) is as dead as a melted Frapp (“Oooh, give it here, I’ll still drink it!” – Brit Brit). According to TMZ, Brit Brit dumped Normal Guy Dave after someone (Chester Cheetah working under the alias Deep Flamin’ Hot Throat) tipped off Daddy Spears to the existence of a video showing Normal Guy Dave cheatin’ on the world’s most precious little chicken-fried steak dumplin’ Brit Brit Spears. ESCANDALO, Y’ALL!
The video was shot sometime in early August and shows NGD dancing and making out with a woman in someone’s living room. What the fuck is he doing dancing with some random trick in a living room?!? Does he not realize he’s got one of the greatest dancers IN THE WORLD waiting at home for him? NGD, you done fucked it up. TMZ says Daddy Spears bought the video for a whole mess of money, then took it to Brit Brit’s house to bust Normal Guy Dave and his wandering normal guy dick. Once Brit Brit saw the evidence, she put all of NGD’s plaid bro shorts and a complimentary Polaroid iZone camera into a box along and told him to get the hayull out of her life.
And it looks like this shit is FUH RAIL Y’ALL, because she tweeted this yesterday:
I had such high hopes for Normal Guy Dave, but he ended up being such a disappointment. I was expecting Normal Guy Dave to reach for the rainbow and become K-Fed 2.0, but nothing! No Cheetolings! No attempted rap career! No Popozao! I really wanted to hear Normal Guy Dave’s Popozao. But then he had to spoil it all by doing something stupid like grinding on some random trick in a living room and letting one of his buddies film it. God damn, he might actually be dumber than K-Fed.
And what the hell is happening to all the early-2000s TRL pop divas? First JLo kicks Casper Smart to the curb, then Mariah gives Nick Cannon his walking papers, and now Brit Brit cans Normal Guy Dave? Cut to Xtina’s normal guy piece and Jessica Simpson’s husband getting really nervous all of a sudden.
Here’s a newly-single Brit Brit struttin’ around Thousand Oaks on Wednesday and leaving several voice mails informing Normal Guy Dave that she’s selling all his NFL jerseys on Craigslist (he looks like the type who would have used Brit Brit’s prepaid VISA cards to buy jerseys).