People has confirmed that after almost a year of courtship, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s fifth soldier in their child army, 21-year-old Jessa Duggar, has agreed to marry her boyfriend (do they even call it that? Gentleman friend? Guy I get ice cream with?) 19-year-old Ben Seewald. And now that she’s got a ring on her finger, you know what that means: HARDCORE XXX HAND-HOLDING.
“We are so blessed to be engaged! God has written an amazing story through our courtship, and another chapter has just begun!” the giddy couple said in a statement. “We are thrilled to see what the future holds – especially the wedding bells!”
Ew, I bet “wedding bells” is code for a pair of jingle bells they hang from the headboard so they can notify Jesus the first time they make love (aka the ultimate threesome). No! Wedding bells has got to be in reference to the loud clanging sound Michelle’s uterus makes when she gets busy on the dance floor. NO! The only bells that ring when a Duggar gets married are the ones in the song “O Fortuna“. It plays every time we come one step closer to the inevitable doomsday that will happen when the final Duggar offspring fullfills its Duggar Destiny by birthing out the 1,000,000th member of the Duggar Child Army, signalling all the Duggars to rise up and enslave humanity. It’s only a matter of time before we’re forced to wear cellphones clipped to the waistband of our pants and roll our bangs into crunchy L.A. Looks hair sausages and eat nothing but tater tot casserole (actually, that one doesn’t sound so bad).