Every morning, I watch Today, because staring at Matt Lauer’s smug face and Carson Daly’s unsettling wooden head and ventriloquist dummy eyeballs is the best way to start my day. On Monday, Savannah Guthrie, the grown up All American Girl Doll with the personality of a plastic spoon full of wet baking soda, checked out of Today to start her maternity leave and two days later, a human baby was pulled out of her body. 42-year-old Savannah and her husband Michael Feldman, whose age I don’t know and who in that picture is touching me weird with his eyes, are parents to a bundle of cheeks with eyes and lips. Savannah birthed out a baby girl yesterday and this morning she announced the birth of her kid on Twitter (via People). Savannah and Michael have named her Vale Guthrie Feldman. Are they Batman fans or skiers or did they just want to give future playground bullies a leg up by naming their kid a name that rhymes with “fail.”
Vale, welcome to a world where your mom hashtags your name on Twitter three seconds after you were pulled out of her womb. Vale Guthrie Feldman sounds like the name of a white suite-wearing, greedy, fat southern billionaire villain in an 80s cartoon like Richie Rich. “Vale Guthrie, I do declare!” Tbe name works for me!
Congratulations to Savannah! Congratulations to her husband! Congratulations to Al Roker, because he now has someone else to blame when he sharts on set. And condolences to Vale Guthrie Feldman, because soon she’ll have to breathe in the smugness wafting off of Matt Lauer’s face.