Whenever someone starts talking about the future, I immediately start picturing the world of The Jetsons and riding around in bubble cars and eating food-flavoured pills, because I know that the actual future is probably going to be a huge bummer. Best case scenario, we get the world of dum-dums and super-Costcos from Idiocracy, but worst case scenario, the future is a terrifying dystopic hell hole that combines Hunger Games-style murder competitions with the awful haircuts from Logan’s Run.
But one part of the mystery of the future has already been figured out by Captain Jack Sparrow himself, Johnny Depp. During an interview with MTV News , Johnny removed his 20+ fauxhemian necklaces and replaced them with a Bill Nye bow tie to explain that the technology in his film Transcendence (i.e. that his mind is uploaded into a computer) IS REAL:
“When you look at it’s kind of a sci-fi thing. But when you dig a little bit deeper, and you realize that the technology that we use in the film… is very close to being a reality and will for sure be a reality in the next 30 years, is presented for the first time ever. It is a foretelling of what is to come.”
Please, Neil deGrasse Depp, tell me more about your theories of memory transfer, specifically which ones make it out of my brain. Because I have an awful lot of regretful shit that should probably stay between me and my frontal lobe (like the time I made cookie dough pudding, or the second time I made cookie dough pudding).
Since the active thoughts in my brain fall into one of two categories (the episode on candy canes from How It’s Made, and pictures of wizard cats) I doubt anyone would have the slightest interest in uploading my boring mind to a computer. Besides, we’re already able to see everybody’s mundane thoughts – it’s called Instagram. Oh shit, the spooky future technology Johnny Depp speaks of already exists! He was right! Run! Save yourselves! Well, there you have it – the future is already here and it’s only a matter of time before we start hunting each other for sport! And I’m totally fucked because I don’t have any money saved up for a Jetsons-style bubble car.