A&E really needs to bring back Intervention for just one very special episode, because my soul isn’t going to rest until I see Shaq break down into a waterfall of tears when his family, friends and Candy Finnigan try to pry his iPhone out of his hands so he can go to app rehab in Malibu.
If you had an extra $1,000 a week to spend on whatever you wanted and you spent it on hiring Aaron Carter to come to your house weekly and recite the beautiful, romantic words of raw poetry that he tweets about his stalking victim Hilary Duff (FYI: $35 for Aaron’s cab fare, $25 for Aaron’s appearance fee, $30 for the meth and $910 for the mountains of Kleenex you’ll need to wipe up the liquid emotions that will pour out of your eyes from listening to such beauty), you’d be wasting that money, but you’d still be using it on something more worthwhile than what Shaq uses $1,000 a week on. During an interview at a SXSW event, Shaq said that he can easily spend up to $52,000 a year on apps alone. To put things into perspective, $52,000 is more than the worldwide gross of Kazaam. Shaq said:
“Honestly, I probably spend $1,000 on apps a week. Real money. Last week, I bought like 20 deer-hunter games. When I’m not working, I spend all my money on apps.”
“Eh,” said your bandaged-up, broke down cousin while sitting in the cardboard and newspaper tent she lives in, because she sold her house, sold some of her internal organs, sold her car, sold her ass at a discount on Craigslist and cashed in her 401k to buy Candy Crush shit. The DEA really needs to put Candy Crush Life on their list of narcotics.