If you live in Toronto, you’re going to want to avoid the downtown daycares tonight, because Justin Bieber is in town and he’ll be hitting them all. I heard he’s starting at Happy Clowns for a handful of Goldfish crackers and a sippy cup of apple juice, then move on to ABC Kids for a swing on the jungle gym, after that he can be found at Playtime Preschool for story hour, then Little Angels for milk and arrowroots. One place he won’t be is Caterpillar Clubhouse, because he bit another little boy the last time he was there and he’s not welcome back.
But it’s not just daycares that are all the buzz over Justin’s return; disgraced current Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, had something to say about Justin and surprise, surprise, it makes him sound like a major toolshed. According to CTV News, in an interview with Washington DC’s Sports Junkies radio show, Rob Ford said:
“He’s a young guy, 19 years old. I wish I was as successful as he was.”
That depends on your definition of success, Rob. I’d say that running the 4th largest city in North America while high out of your mind on crack, coke, pills, gallons of beer, an over-inflated sense of self-worth, crack again, more crack, and deep fried poutine sandwiches while appearing to be teetering on the edge of a massive coronary is a pretty big achievement and something you should be proud of.
I’m sure Justin could give a shit what Hoggish Greedly from Captain Planet thinks of him or his Tuff Toddler antics, but it’s probably a good idea for him to fake it and remain on his good side. Rob Ford’s brother-in-law just got his ass beat in prison because he might potentially talk shit about Ford (and – fun fact! – the beating was carried out by a guy that Rob Ford used to coach high school football to), so it’s in Justin’s best interests to thank Ford for his kind words with a crack-and-Xanax-filled bundt cake or else he might wind up in a ditch somewhere. Wait, that’s beneficial for us! Piss him off, Justin! Prove you’re a badass and egg his house!