Um, Are We All Still Here? Is The Internet Still Alive?

December 13, 2013 / Posted by:

It’s a shock and a miracle that the Internet is still standing this morning, because last night it was like black Jesus and Puerto Rican Santa Claus (sorry, Megyn Kelly) rode in on a golden unicorn. The walls of Facebook crumbled and fell. Twitter burst into a flame ball and I’m pretty sure that Twitter bird is nothing but a pile of charred blue feathers now. Tumblr is covered in throbbing, pus-filled hives from the BumbleBeys going crazy and stinging everything. Shit, I even think MySpace felt a quake or two. The Internet exploded when the benevolent Beyonce gifted the world with a new album out of nowhere.

One of my Facebook friends said some shit last night like, “We are not worthy! Thank you, Beyonce, for giving us this beautiful gift.” I thought to myself, “Bitch, you know you have to pay $15.99 for that gift. It’s not free.” But no, Beyonce did give us a priceless jewel and we should all sacrifice one of our kin to Tina Knowles to thank her.

Beyonce released a 14-song album (with 17 videos) called Beyonce on iTunes last night with no warning, no campaigns, no interviews and zero promo. You know how Kanye Kardashian bragged about how he doesn’t give a shit about putting out songs for the radio anymore, because he’s the kind of artist who doesn’t need to release singles? If God put out a music album, he or she would have to release a single to sell it, but not Yeezus. Well, Beyonce five-upped his ass last night. She shit on his anus.

And as the crazed BumbleBeys were working on their “sick voice” so that they could call into their office manager’s voicemail this morning and spend the entire day worshiping all 17 of her videos, the noted faux vegan climbed to the top of Mount Olympus and said these words about her visual album to her subjects:

“I see music. It’s more than just what I hear. When I’m connected to something, I immediately see a visual or a series of images that are tied to a feeling or an emotion, a memory from my childhood, thoughts about life, my dreams or my fantasies. And they’re all connected to the music.

I didn’t want to release my music the way I’ve done it. I am bored with that. I feel like I am able to speak directly to my fans. There’s so much that gets between the music, the artist and the fans. I felt like I didn’t want anybody to give the message when my record is coming out. I just want this to come out when it’s ready and from me to my fans.”

I see she’s been smoking her own farts again.

I’m sure you already downloaded the entire album and memorized all the songs since you’ll have to sing them at church on Sunday during the mass devoted to Beyonce, but in case you haven’t, all of the song previews are here. And here’s the one featuring Blue Ivy Carter:

I was going to download Beyonce’s new album last night, but when I scanned all the tracks I didn’t see any mention of Basement Baby. I saw Frank Ocean, I saw Jay-Z and I even saw a baby’s name, but no Basement Baby! 14 tracks and Beyonce couldn’t let Basement Baby hum out a note or even play the tamborine on one of them? Fuck that. ByeyoncĂ©! (And ByeyoncĂ© to me too, because I’ll probably be struck down for typing that.)

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