Tom Cruise Is Not The Great Love Of Nicole Kidman’s Life

October 29, 2013 / Posted by:

Nicole Kidman’s on the cover of December’s anti-GOOP journal Vanity Fair looking about as human and alive as a Styrofoam wig head with painted-on eyes and lips. Because hearing about how Nicole Kidman spends her days in Tennessee touching up Keith Urban’s highlights as her chirrun pack her face with dry ice so she doesn’t melt IS BORING, Vanity Fair’s contributing editor Sam Kashner asked her what it was like being Tommy Girl’s longest-running beard wife. Nicole said that being married to the world’s most famous crazy alien leprechaun was a lot like living in a bubble. I think she meant that literally, because I’m pretty sure the Scientologists kept her in a plastic bubble so when she ran for the exit she wouldn’t be able to fit through the doorway.

“There is something about that sort of existence that, if you really focus on each other and you’re in that bubble, it’s very intoxicating, because it’s just the two of you. And there is only one other person that’s going through it. So it brings you very close, and it’s deeply romantic. I’m sure Brad and Angelina have that—because there’s nobody else that understands it except that person who’s sleeping right next to you.”

“….or in my case, the person sleeping six rooms down from you because VAGINA.”

The ice-covered Australian mannequin went on to say that she loves living in Tennessee, far, far away from the fuckery of Hollywood, and being there makes her forget that she’s famous. But then again, Nicole Kidman’s memory isn’t so great ever since she refused to negotiate her marriage contract with Tommy and men in alien masks and white lab coats removed the part of her brain that remembers witnessing what goes down in the Scientology bath house.

 “Having experienced extreme fame and now getting to a place where it’s not so dominating in my life, I’m always surprised when I go somewhere and people know who I am.” She explains that when it’s seen through the eyes of her children “it jars me again, because they ask, ‘Why do they want a photo?’ and ‘Why is that person saying hello to you when you don’t know them?’ All of that stuff has to be explained to a five-year-old. So I see it through a different perspective.

There’s an enormous amount you have to give up if you want to have a family. You can have a certain career, but you can’t be living in Hollywood, [where] absolutely everything, everything revolves around it. That wasn’t my choice. I’d rather revolve around somebody else’s career and then still find my own. [I love living in Nashville] because I can kind of have a very odd, idiosyncratic kind of path. I have stepped away from the fame part of it. I didn’t find what I was looking for in fame. So I went, O.K., this is not for me. And it was such a blessing that I found somebody who said, ‘Well, are you willing to move to Tennessee?’ And I was ‘Oh, am I willing to move!’”

And believe it or not,  but an alien-worshipping crazy bitch isn’t going down in history as the great love of Nicole Kidman’s life.

“And you know, with no disrespect to what I had with Tom, I’ve met my great love now. And I really did not know if that was going to happen. I wanted it, but I didn’t want it for a while, because I didn’t want to jump from one relationship to another. I had a lot of time alone, which was really, really good, because I was a child, really, when I got married. And I needed to grow up.”

Keith Urban’s probably sitting there with a twinkly smile on his face, because he thinks that she’s talking about him. But sorry to dim the sparkle in your highlights, Keith. When Nicole Kidman said that she’s met the great love of her life, she lovingly glanced over and winked at the 20 gallon jug of Botox she lugs around just in case the glimmer of a wrinkle shows up on her mug.

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