The Jonas Brothers Canceled Their Tour Because They Hate Each Other

October 9, 2013 / Posted by:

A rep for The Jonas Brothers announced today that their 19-date tour has been shut down, tickets will be funded and it’s all because those bitches are fighting. Fuck, I swear. Kevin borrows Joe’s dildos and vibrating ass clamp without asking, and hissy fits are thrown and the entire tour gets shut down! Drama queens. Instead of saying the truth, which is probably “noburdy bought tickets,” their rep said this to People:

“There is a deep rift within the band. There was a big a disagreement over their music direction.”

Deep rift… Those are the exact words my free clinic doctor uses after my prostate exam.

TMZ says that Kevin, Joe and Nick are fighting with each other and threatening to break up, because they can’t agree on what their next singles should be. One wants to do pop, the other wants to do rock and other one just wants to sit in the corner and fluff up his poodle mop with a pick comb (I’m looking at you, Kevin). TMZ’s source says that they can’t go on until they figure out what they’re going to do and they might break up.

If this happened 5 years ago, we’d all be huddled around a lit match in an underground bunker and stabbing each other’s hands with a plastic knife while fighting over the last can of expired tuna, because the tweens would’ve brought on the apocalypse with their screeches. So we should all thank The Jonas Brothers for threatening to break up when their fans are now too grown to have a meltdown. Besides, they all have bigger and better things to do. Kevin can open a perm salon for poodles, Joe can finally get around to filming that hardcore BDSM sex tape we’ve been waiting for and Nick can take his new ripped twink body to Sean Cody.

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