Countess No More Is Single!

September 20, 2013 / Posted by:

After three long years of sharing the same styling balm, smoothing brush and foreskin cleansing soap, Cuntess LuMann de Lesseps of The Real Housewives of New York and her French boyfriend Davide Schwimmaire (real name: Jacques Azoulay) have broken up. The definition of “love” should be changed to, “DOESN’T EXIST!!!!”, now that the love between a delusional, fame whoring ex-countess and a fun house mirror Ross Geller has died.

LuAnn’s rep (yes, she has one of those and I’m guessing her rep is the person you’d most likely see in the corner booth at a HoJo’s softly weeping into their cup of lukewarm white wine) told Life & Style that 48-year-old LuAnn and 38-year-old Jacques broke up, because their lives are in different places:

“They are at different points in their life now and have mutually agreed its best. LuAnn is upset, but it’s amicable and they remain friends. Jacques has been a wonderful part of her life.”

He’s at the point in life where he doesn’t want to lick dried pirate chowder off of his girlfriend’s chichis and she’s at the point in life where she realizes that the relationship she’s in isn’t going to get her a spin-off series on Bravo so she must move on.

If history repeats itself, then Sonja Morgan will once again have LuAnn’s sloppy seconds up her butt in 3..2.. Grab the ass lube, Jacques!

And is food always on my mind or is LuAnn really wearing a Pillsbury pie crust empanada necklace?

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