More Like Fifty Shades Of Blond

September 2, 2013 / Posted by:

After what felt like years of whores saying that everyone from Ian Somerhalder to Matt Boner to Kermit the Frog (I was rooting for Kermit, obviously) got the role of Christian Grey in that soon-to-be cinematic piece of shit Fifty Shades of Grey, Universal finally announced that horny moms will whip their crotches with Red Vines to Charlie Hunnam when that mess of a movie comes out next year. 33-year-old Charlie Hunnam of Sons of Anarchy, Queer as Folk and Pacific Rimmer will pull a tampon out of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s 23-year-old daughter Dakota Johnson. Universal queefed out this statement to Deadline today:

Charlie Hunnam will star as Christian Grey, the lead male character in Universal Pictures and Focus Features’ highly anticipated film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” it was announced today. He joins Dakota Johnson, who will star opposite him as Anastasia Steele. The film, which will be released by Focus Features on August 1, 2014 in North America, is being directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson and produced by Michael De Luca and Dana Brunetti alongside E L James, the author of the #1 bestselling book on which the film is based. The screenplay is by Kelly Marcel. The announcement about Mr. Hunnam’s casting in Fifty Shades of Grey was made today by Ms. James.

That statement should’ve read: After a long and exhaustive search, we finally found an actor who will gladly collect a pile of money to ruin his career.

I really can’t wait for this shit, because it’s going to be a beautiful disaster and they should just give them all the Razzies now. It’s going to make Exit to Eden look like a documentary on the BDSM lifestyle. The one good thing about Charlie Hunnam being cast as Christian Grey is that his bare ass will probably get a lot of screen time. So there’s that!

 

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508 responses to “More Like Fifty Shades Of Blond”

  1. CarreyOn says:

    Ian Somerhalder is much hotter. Oh well, I probably won’t see it anyway, so no fucks given. I guess I did give half a fuck with my Ian opinion.

  2. Texndoc says:

    Two nobodies.

  3. didimao says:

    I am so disappointed that Charlie would agree to make this shitfest.

  4. JulzNo1Zero says:

    Wow, looks like that movie is gonna be a snorefest. I would say pass but I didn’t read that shitty book anyway.

  5. ethang says:

    I don’t get this film. Based on the content, will this be rated R?Aren’t most of the readers, teens?

    Anyway, what a bland and boring pairing.

    • Persistent Cat says:

      40-60 year old suburban housewives. My friend’s mother-in-law gave her her copy. Gross.

    • pfky says:

      SNL did a hilarious skit on it (I believe I saw the clip here on dlisted). I’d heard of this “mommy porn” series through osmosis of the surrounding pop culture but it wasn’t until MK posted about it that I learned more of the details. It’s funny because the very day after I had read through some particularly negative reviews from Michael and the D Listers, my granny showed up with it because “everybody at the hairdressers’ said it was so good!” lol. I don’t think she even got past the first chapter, though. It lay on the floor by her bed for the longest time but she kept finding more interesting material to read, and now I don’t know where the book is. She’s a genuine “reader”, if you know what I mean.

  6. didimao says:

    I just can’t wrap my brain around these shitty books. Why are women creaming their panties over it? Are women really that hard up that they will overlook abuse, stalking, etc.?

    • DontFearTheReaper says:

      Yes.

    • MISSJANETEXAS says:

      There is a reason these books have the nickname mommy porn. So lame.

      • didimao says:

        I’d rather read stories on Literotica or even I Village.

        • Elmo533 says:

          Ivillage still exists?thats the real news.

        • ImpertinentVixen says:

          I am going to stick with my classic bodice ripper vanilla porn-lite historical romances like Love’s Tender Fury and anything by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss.

        • April Walsh says:

          Hell, there’s better fan fiction for free… which this book used to be before she replaced Edward and Bella’s names and decided to publish it. Most people may already know this, but I just love pointing it out. That’s exactly why it’s going to be a career-tanker. The more attention it gets, the more people will point out it’s Twilight porn. Hell, most of the actors in Twilight will never be taken seriously again. Can you imagine the shame of being in Twilight porn?

    • louise_brooks says:

      I am with you. My sister in-law was telling me how these books were awesome and I had to read them and blah blah blah. I already knew they sucked so I just said it wasn’t my thing. Then she started telling me about how great the movie Magic Mike was. I really wanted to say, “Damn, bitch, just get a vibrator.”

      I did read an interview or something with E.L. James and she admitted she’s a crap writer and can’t believe anyone likes these books. That made me kind of like her.

  7. TheBreakdown says:

    I know he’s a decent enough actor, but can this trick act?! This is more like ’25 Shades of Nepotism’ if you ask me!

    =====

    “The main ones screaming about their halo are usually the first ones to use it as a cockring.” (Heaux Confessionals©, verbal slap #153)

    http://www.amazon.com/Heaux-Confessionals-The-Sintroduction-Volume/dp/148406464X/ref=tmm_pap_title_0

  8. putsomestankonit says:

    Does 50 Shades of Gray really have a scene where he pulls out her tampon? If so, bitch stole that from 9 1/2 Weeks, the book not the film.

  9. Persistent Cat says:

    So they’re really making a movie about this? So it’ll never go away? Why must Hollywood take everything that’s popular for two seconds and shove it down our throats forever?

    I recently took a five-day course that had an three hour exam at the end. The female instructor was really trashy. When I handed in my exam, she put down her book to take my exam. It was a 50 Shades of Grey book. FFS.

  10. elanenergy says:

    Well. Does Dakota Johnson have an acting resume? (Is she does, I wasn’t aware.) At least they got a screen writer to adapt this mess, and the book writer is allowing the screen writer’s name to be released. This MIGHT give this awful book a chance on the screen.
    Exit to Eden as an examination of BDSM lifestyle….cracking up on that. That was a shit movie.

    • pushy broad says:

      I didn’t even know this gal was an actress. Pretty sure she was a Golden Globe gal a few years ago. Plus, her Grandma is Tippi Hedron:)

      I didn’t read the book. Read enough about it to know
      it would do nothing for me. This movie is going to get so much hype. ugh.

      • elanenergy says:

        Her acting pedigree is relevant. I mean, it probably helped to finance it. (But I still think it’s gonna bomb. I’d rather see films about true crimes that happened in the 40-50s that are unsolved. Film noirs, based on true crime books. Wouldn’t that be good?

  11. Diana Déath says:

    “Anastasia Steele” and :Christian Grey” are such nauseatingly stereotypical romance novel names that they seem like a parody of that shit. Nope, won’t be watching.

  12. anEizBerg says:

    why oh why cant this just go awaaay!

  13. p0neymort says:

    I can’t wait to non watch this shit.

  14. Melymori says:

    I kind of feel bad for that guy from the vampire TV show, he was pimping himself for this role and poor fucker didn’t get it.

  15. TrainingBra says:

    Oh, we can get this but not Fantasia as Desdemona in a John Water’s directed Othello?! This is just messy.

  16. Southern Gal says:

    Way to kill the movie before it began.

    and I read the first book but I wish I hadn’t. My eyes have never rolled so much. I just wanted to see what kind of sh*t fest it was and oh baby was it ever. Never EVER reading the crap again

  17. LoopyGorilla says:

    what would brian kinney say?!

    i remember that scene when brian kenney gave charley his first pacific rim.

  18. rio_grande says:

    I had such a crush on that guy when he was in the UK version of QaF (which otherwise sucked), but he’s not aged well. It’s not that he’s unattractive now, it’s just that he’s relatively so much less attractive now than he was a decade ago.
    Also, who the hell will actually watch this?

    • didimao says:

      The same stupid women who thought the books were “like the best thing eva” said in my best valley girl voice.

      • pushy broad says:

        I remember Elizabeth Vargas talking about this book on GMA. I thought she was going to have an orgasm right there on TV! She’s usually composed but that day, she was fanning herself. It was funny.

  19. bbmtn says:

    Charlie Hunnam was great in the UK version of Queer As Folk. Much better then the douche twink they hired to play Justin in the US version.

  20. J.R. says:

    What an odd pairing.

  21. Hill_of_Beans says:

    I read this really interesting BDSM blog on tumblr. Obviously its not safe for work. Its run by a “fag in training” as per the orders of his Sir. It gives an interesting glimpse of the mindset of an actual dom/sub relationship. Its called faggland.

  22. Shannon says:

    WHHHYY are they making this into a movie?? The book was horrendous. I barely got through it. I didn’t even bother with the other two. I wonder if this shit will be rated NC-17.

  23. blueshade says:

    He’s so hot. I’ll definitely be fapping to this. Don’t sit next to me in the theater y’all!

  24. gines says:

    50 Shades was far and away the WORST book I’ve ever read. Not because of the “lol sex omg dix” content, it’s because fucking E.L. James has no idea how to write.
    Her characters were unsympathetic and boring. Christian Grey was so unrealistic, I couldn’t picture him as anything but a cartoon character. Her choice of dialogue was flowery and douchey.
    That being said, I will definitely be seeing this movie butt-ass wasted, and I hope my cackling laughter will bum out some of these die-hard Christian Bitches.

    Oh, and Matt Bomer should have been Christian. This guy is cute but he’s built like a linebacker.

    • bridgjones says:

      Don’t forget his long slender fingers. Which says skinny dick to me.

      • gines says:

        Yes, or his “mouth pressed in a hard line.”
        THE FUCK.

        • Shannon says:

          Yeah how many times did she describe his mouth that way? Like every other fucking page. God did I hate that book.

          • OzKat says:

            The worst part was when her subconscious and “inner goddess” would fight. I started actively hoping all three of them would die in a fire and that the book would describe them all running around in a circle screaming instead of trying to get away. (Because you know that’s exactly what they would do.)

          • Shannon says:

            Hahahaha I know. What utter trash that book was. Did anyone read the other two? What happened between the characters? Did they eventually get married and have kids? That’s what I predicted but couldn’t stomach reading anymore to find out.

          • OzKat says:

            My friend finished them because she hates cliff hangers. This is what I remember from what she told me a year ago: They briefly break up, Charlie Tango crashes and Christian goes missing, and at some point they get married. I have no idea about whether they have kids or not, but I really hope not. I can’t stomach the even the idea of people like them reproducing.

          • Mayo says:

            I hate read it too, and like your friend I hate cliff hangers, so I read the whole shit completely. Yes, they do end up having children, ugh.

          • OzKat says:

            I also hate cliff hangers and started to try to read the second one, but couldn’t. This is the only book/movie series that I have started and never finished in my life. And I’m okay with that.

          • Mayo says:

            The one that I couldn’t digest was the last one. It was so stupid I just went straight to the end, read it and I was done. I hated myself for a while for reading that shitty fucking novel. I’m no feminist, you know? But that shitty book left me annoyed, Anastasia is a dumb ho that doesn’t love herself.

    • OzKat says:

      My friend and I hate read it together because her office was reading it as a book club. We decided that it read like it was a 13 year old nymphomaniac’s first fan fiction.

      • mike says:

        For the office book club? You’re scaring me.

        • OzKat says:

          Think how much it scared her. She got the job a few months before, she was just settling in, and then 6 of them jump her and say, “We’re all going to read 50 Shades of Grey now!” She did. not. want to do it so she conned me into reading it at the same time so we could mock it.

          And mercilessly mock it we did.

          • GardeningGirl says:

            Bravo! I hope you made them feel like the morons they are.

          • OzKat says:

            I don’t know if they knew the extent of our mocking, but my friend has some pretty great exasperated faces so I’m sure they knew she was not pleased. She also said she kept laughing out loud so that was probably a hint too. (She was probably also groaning out loud and just didn’t notice it.)

    • April Walsh says:

      Read this chick’s review. It will heal your soul and make the pain of reading the damned thing a distant memory:

      http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215

  25. Elmo533 says:

    The only interesting news in all this is that Dakota Johnson is the daughter of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson. Everything else is a snoozer.

  26. Mike Farrell says:

    Highly anticipated anything tends to turn out disappointing. Think of the iPhone 5 or your last blind date.

  27. SANS_FARDS says:

    There is no one they could pick that would make this movie remotely watchable.

  28. mike says:

    morning, all

  29. Jo_Shmoe says:

    Sam Taylor Johnson directed “Nowhere Boy” which was a *really* good film. I kinda lose respect for her when I hear she’s taking this crap on.

    • Zorba says:

      Thank goodness she’s not starring her baby husband in this film. I actually think she’s the perfect director because she knows all about hooking up with an impressionable young soul and fucking the brains out of them I’m sure.

  30. FrijidBarjot says:

    … I will never look at Sons of Anarchy the same… Ever.

  31. Audrey__Horne says:

    23? Wow, she’s a little…..Older looking than that.

    http://www.aceshowbiz.com/images/wennpic/dakota-johnson-a-night-of-firsts-01.jpg

  32. ImpertinentVixen says:

    LMAOfuckinghell, this thing is going to stink like Hohan’s clam shack.

  33. DreamyAguileraEyes says:

    I loathe EL James more than I loathe Caca and Stink.

    Just for laughs – http://idetonatearoundhim.tumblr.com

  34. TheShowgirl says:

    The 50 Shades trilogy isn’t poorly written bullshit if you’re say, an 18 year old virgin who has never had anything close to a sexual relationship with another human being and lives in a romanticized world where deeply disturbed men can change if a woman looooooves him enough.

    I don’t consider myself a militant feminist but those books sort of pissed me off. One because I fell for the hype which I never do and two because of the fucked up message. I cannot believe any one my age would swoon over that shit. Even the sex bits were boring. And seriously, who the hell fucks that much? Parts start to chafe after weeks of non stop fucking.

  35. bridgjones says:

    I’m not seeing it. I saw Ian more than this guy. I’m with Sasha Grey, it wasn’t BDSM, just some spanking in a fancy fuck room.

  36. ewesocrazy says:

    At first, I was like, “Why, Charlie?! Why??????” But, Meh, I’ve read excerpts from that shitfest, maybe the person who writes the screenplay will posses some actual writing skills and some mother fucking imagination. I’m not going see it though…so I guess it doesn’t matter.

  37. Jo_Shmoe says:

    Charlie needs to shave that beard off and cut the scraggly hair – it’s aging him. Because he is haaawt.

  38. Rovex says:

    I cant with this. He will always be the underage boy getting a rim job on the original UK version of QAF to me.

  39. Kiki says:

    A shitty movie indeed, but I want to see how they gonna adapt that mess…

  40. gerald christie says:

    Noooooooooooo! Why would they sign up to shit?! Why Charlie? Why Dakota? In what world do they actually think this will do well? Are they serious? I can’t believe they’re actually moving forward with this mess… That being said, I really feel bad for Charlie. He’s an underrated actor, he’s actually pretty good and he really deserves to be a star…but this won’t do it for him. Pacific Rim was supposed to be his big break and that didn’t work out, now I’m worried this will just kill his career. The only good thing is that we can expect a lot ass from Charlie and that’s always nice.

  41. Dawn says:

    Who are all these “Dakota” actresses? Why can’t Ho Wood find an Idaho? I mean, Ida Ho is a natural for Ho Wood.

  42. ANightWriter says:

    An adaptation of a book where another homely looking, boring ass woman with self-esteem problems somehow lands a rich, beyond attractive but complicated man who treats them poorly. Society often blames men for being the jerks, but it’s deluded women who think this is romantic that allow for the jerks to exist.

  43. GardeningGirl says:

    That’s gonna be some pile of shit considering the foundation is a poorly written vanilla s&m novel by some bland bitch. Its going to stink up the screens but the hausfraus will EAT IT UP!

    • ANightWriter says:

      Ugh…and there’s sequels. WHY?!?

      • J.R. says:

        Oh shit yeah, I forgot about them…..UGH!!!

        • didimao says:

          Maybe we’ll be lucky and they will throw it all into one movie and be done with it.

          • Mayo says:

            Oh, honey. You know that won’t happen.

          • didimao says:

            Couldn’t hurt to hope, right?

          • Mayo says:

            Hahaha! Yes, but it’s obvious that this shit is gonna be just like twilight but for the old ladies. It will be torture.

          • didimao says:

            Ugg I know. I didn’t read the Twatlight books, nor did I see the movies.

          • Mayo says:

            Me neither, the few things that I know about twilight are the ones that I’ve read here. Now, let’s prepare ourselves because between the making of this shit and it’s premiere, it’s going to be a long ride… Ugh.

          • didimao says:

            Yes it will. We better stock up to get through this. *checks BevMo to see what is on sale.

          • OzKat says:

            I don’t know, John Carter was supposed to be a series of movies before it bombed. Sahara, Nancy Drew (starring Emma Roberts), The Golden Compass, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Master and Commander, and Battlefield Earth were all intended to be franchises, but they didn’t do well enough to merit multiple movies.

            Don’t kill the dream!

          • MISSJANETEXAS says:

            Yes, but none of those series were marketed to the middle aged desperate moms of the world. Never underestimate their market power. 😉 Unfortunately, I bet it goes all 3 books. I hope I’m wrong.

          • GardeningGirl says:

            But I LIKED Master and Commander.

  44. Smelly_Old_Granny says:

    I’m gonna have to give this one a big WTF?!?! I was hoping for Henry Cavill or Matt Bomer. Don’t get me wrong though I’ll still watch rugged ass Jax getting all freaky cause that’s the kind of dirty old broad I am.

    • Audrey__Horne says:

      I know absolutely nothing about this series but from what I’ve been told, I thought the guy was supposed to be all “classy-looking” and male modely.

  45. Smelly_Old_Granny says:

    Oh and who wants to bet in true Hollywood style they try and two part the last film just to drag shit out and make more money?

    • J.R. says:

      Better stockpile on the booze now.

    • ANightWriter says:

      That’s real and it’s going to happen. I’d bet my job on it. *busts out the Xanax*

    • jerseygirl17 says:

      Honestly, I’d be shocked if it gets one sequel. Those books were shit and the last one will be 2-3 years old by the time the first movie is released. They can’t count on the tweener market like Twilight unless they seriously water down the sex.

  46. Vernicious says:

    I read that as EL Doctorow and I thought MK was being a minx.

  47. JemRose01 says:

    Make if FLOP FLOP FLOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  48. MardiGras says:

    Fifty Shades of Yawn.

  49. Lily85 says:

    Ewwwwwww

  50. NolanStylinson says:

    Charlie is hot but I thought it was gonna be Ian. Whatever, I’d never pay money for this shit show anyway.

  51. ISprainedMyUvula says:

    Somewhere Robert Pattinson is reading news, shaking his head and saying, “Shoulda called me first, bro”. The fandoms of these types of things ALWAYS fuck up these projects by being too demanding and acting like they’re entitled to a piece of the actors.

    • NolanStylinson says:

      This “fandom” is comprised of lonely middle aged women though. Which I was hoping would mean they wouldn’t have enough time or energy to make it a “thing” to be a part of a 50 shades of shit fandom, but realizing that there are also lonely middle aged “beliebers” and “directioners” (kill me for using those words, please) this one might turn out to be even more rabid and frightening.

      • OzKat says:

        The adults are the really crazy fans. They have money, an attention span, unlimited access to the internet, and a car to drive them to their crazy destinations.

      • J.R. says:

        I think the fandom audience range starts from 18/21 and upwards, I alot of people purchased that shit whilst it was ‘on trend’ in my workplace :/

        • OzKat says:

          There is a massive age gap in that readership though. I’m in my mid-20’s and NO ONE I have come across has read it besides people who hate read it, and almost no one has done that. I hate-read Twilight too and was judged so much less for that than reading 50 Shades of Crap.

          On Huffington Post there’s an article called “Why Women My Age Are Reading ’50 Shades of Grey’,” and the writer said having read 50 Shades of Grey and talking about it is a socially acceptable way for middle aged women to say that they’re still interested in sex. There probably are teenagers who want to say that they’re comfortable with sex too, “Look I’m reading the same porn as my mom! I’m an adult!”

          “As one Barnes and Noble clerk told New York Magazine about his
          customers, ‘It’s always older women, never younger than 30. … In the
          five years that I’ve worked here, I have not seen a single man buy one
          of these books.'”

          • J.R. says:

            That was another thing that weirded me out, the “Look I’m reading the same porn as my mom! I’m an adult!” hooha, *shudders*

            Maybe the readership audience differs in different countries or cities, a piece a shit is still a piece of shit. 😉

          • OzKat says:

            Yeah, basically it’s a way to say “I think about sex!” for anyone who feels the need to declare that. Demographics that feel the need to do that will vary.

            Either way what they’re really saying is, “I’m pathetic and have really shitty taste in entertainment!”

          • billybologna says:

            I work at Target and had more than one set of Mom’s and daughters coming in together asking me when we were getting more copies in. Believe it or not we were constantly out of this shit. This is BFE Iowa though so I don’t know why this surprised me.

          • J.R. says:

            It was the same in our Asda here in the U.K., it was so weird, like you try to not let your facial expressions give you away the fact that you’re blatantly judging them. 😀

          • Melymori says:

            I’m 28 yo and the only reader in my group of friends, I’m always recing them books to read…two weeks ago one of them told me she had started reading “50 shades…” and if I had read it because it was “SOOO GOOOOD” I almost turned into Christian Bale meme, from all my recs she decided to read that book! But it all pay today when she had a meltdown on FB when I gave her the news about Charlie being “Christian” lol

          • OzKat says:

            If she thought 50 Shades of Grey was good then she was never going to like what you recommended anyway.

            Enjoy the meltdown! If she’s anything like some of the people I know on facebook it will drag out for weeks or months.

        • NolanStylinson says:

          I guess the optimist in me overestimated the taste of my own generation.

      • ISprainedMyUvula says:

        There was plenty of that craziness in the Twilight fandom, too. I’m probably the 50 Shades demographic- 35 year old housewife but I’d rather listen to Gilbert Gottfried read off the list of ingredients in my shampoo bottle than pick up that book series.

  52. gines says:

    Actually, the more I look at Charlie Hunnam, the more I think it would be fun to hop on.
    But him playing Christian “Douchenozzle” Grey may ruin this fantasy for me.

  53. Misslainey says:

    I refuse to read this schlock. Last year, my co-worker practically had an orgasm at the front desk talking about this ‘book’. Isn’t it filled with typos and grammtical errors? I’d rather read D.H. Lawrence.

    • OzKat says:

      It is. She also keeps changing what town the girl lives in every few pages.

      Oh, and the college age girls drink tons of wine out of tea cups with saucers (as college girls from Portland/Vancouver) do, and she somehow got through college without having an email or computer. You know, realism.

    • jerseygirl17 says:

      Basically, Christian Grey is a psychotic control freak. I have no idea why grown women love this crap. I would have called the cops on his cellphone-ping tracking stalker ass right away.

      • didimao says:

        Exactly, yet women who love these books think it is okay. They probably thought he was a knight in shining armor, rescuing her from that situation.

        • Nikitainthesection says:

          In the book Ana thinks he is a knight in shining armor like the English classic litterature she reads and majored in.

          • didimao says:

            Barf. I guess I forgot that part cause all I kept thinking was psycho stalker. Mind you I didn’t read all of it, just a few pages on Amazon.

          • Nikitainthesection says:

            Are they sarcastic/trolling humor filled critics on Amazon?

            People on Amazon are fantastic!! Hahaha!!

          • didimao says:

            I didn’t even read what the critics had to say.

          • OzKat says:

            There are some good ones if you filter for the 1 stars (5,658 reviews/20,873 total)

            “Hard to believe that anyone could read this sorry novel all the way through. I’ve had students in 9th grade use the language with more grace and style that one finds in this book.”

      • Misslainey says:

        Well, judging on my co-worker, women who have no control over their lives. My co-worker met some trucker dude in the Internets, went on one of his ‘truck’ runs as their first date, slept with him in the cab of his truck across the street from the truck stop, and never heard from him again. Oh, she left her kid (10) by herself while she went on her date.

    • Shannon says:

      Yes no one edited the book. Seriously her editor must have been on vacation and she just said fuck it and released it anyway. That was another thing that drove me insane besides how far fetched the sex scenes were. And it could have been written by a 15 year old. I could barely get through the damn thing. DO NOT waste your time on this drivel.

      • Misslainey says:

        That would drive me nuts. I had no plans to buy this book, but wondered what all the hubbub was about. Wn’t be seeing the movie, either. This ain’t no 91/2 Weeks shit.

  54. MISSJANETEXAS says:

    OT: I am watching Robin Hood: Men In Tights. Haha, I totally forgot Dave Chappelle is in this movie. Too funny.

  55. Mayo says:

    WHAT!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Why is Charlie Hunnam so dedicated to ruin his career!? How can he believe that being known as the leading male of this shitastic movie is a good thing!!?? He would’ve just kept playing Jax Teller and do cool movies like Pacific Rim. It’s better to be known as the cool guy than the weird, bloody tampon puller guy. Doesn’t he knows that? UGH.

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/eye-roll1.gif

  56. Ophelia says:

    I saw this girl reading it on the bus one day and thought wow you don’t even try to hide the fact that you’re a loser.

    • shadedeux says:

      I know- I’ve seen people reading it on the subway too… and no one was trying to cover it up.
      Can’t think of a less appealing place to read that crap.

  57. trashywilma says:

    That homely actor is supposed to be playing a hot billionaire?
    Ah hahaha. This movie is going to be a shitstorm!

  58. tardistraveler says:

    Since my fantasy is being whisked away by a man in blue telephone box or fighting zombies with Darly Dixon maybe I shouldn’t bitch about this shitty book.

    So basically this movie is going to be watered down porno?

  59. Volvican says:

    Can’t tell by this pic – but she’s a fivehead. Scary f’ing fivehead.

  60. Bigbendy says:

    No, ho.

  61. Carefree says:

    Oh man, this looks like an epic barrel of jizz waiting to explode all over these fans of the ‘books’.

  62. Bigbendy says:

    They should have cast Ben Affleck. He can play any part. 😉 Ha!

  63. didimao says:

    I posted on FB about how some people are using these books to get into BDSM and one person told me to get a life because she didn’t try anything from the books. Yet my Mom went to an even that she thought was for something else and it was about these shitty books. Next to her sat a woman in her 20s who had bruises on her because she and her bf were doing some of the stuff they read in the book. Guess some people can’t believe that there are people stupid enough to try out what they read or see on TV. Look at all the idiots that were trying to imitate Jackass?

  64. Few Words says:

    what a pile of bullshit.

    outta go straight to netflix.

    • didimao says:

      Don’t we wish.

    • Shannon says:

      No what is so tragic about this is that it will most likely be a HUGE blockbuster. But unlike most book to movie adaptations the movie may be BETTER then the book. I could see that happening. Either way I won’t be wasting $10 to see it in the theater or the $1 at RedBox. No thank you.

      • didimao says:

        Me either. I hope no one tries to get me to see it.

      • Bruinschick says:

        ANYTHING could make the books more readable. I know twelve year olds who could write better than the twat who wrote this. It sickens me to think there are so many great writers out there who struggle to get published, and this hack comes along and from good marketing, a huge social media push, and mommies who think Good Housekeeping is highbrow lit, dis bish is rich and published. Fuck her.

        • Shannon says:

          The women who enjoy these books are women who aren’t getting fucked on the regular and who don’t know good writing. I guess there are a lot of poor souls like that out there because these books flew off the shelves. Sad state of affairs let me tell you. And I agree that the good writers don’t get the recognition and it’s god damn ridiculous. This bitch is a gazillionaire. It’s crazy to me.

  65. Not_That_Steph_The_Other_Steph says:

    I don’t know either of these two bland people, which doesn’t surprise me (no A-list would touch this garbage). What really grinds my gears is that this shit becomes a bestseller while my three books can’t even get published. I guess I have to throw in an unrealistic sex scene in them to get them to move.

  66. parkerjey says:

    I don’t know the dude, but from the pics he looks big and burly. Not that I read the book either but from all thats out there about the story, I don’t think a blonde thuggy looking dude would be a good secret BDSM guy that turns out an innocent housewife.

  67. WithinReason... says:

    I haven’t read this crap ‘book’ but judging from the subject matter, I’d have cast Keanu (it’s his b-day, after all) and Linda Fiorentino. If there’s another female role, I’d nominate Gina Gerson. That would make this shit pop. I like Charlie (hottt) and the chick is pretty but they might as well have cast the Swifter and one of the 1E boys for how exciting this is not. lol

  68. butbut says:

    Why do some blond guys sport those fugly flesh colored beards. Makes him look like goat boy.

  69. Colin Forsecs says:

    In unrelated news, I spent $80 for a crappy massage at a spa. It was 80 degrees in the room, he kept covering me with tons of blankets making me sweat…and he massaged me like he was giving a sponge bath to his granny.

    Happy fucking Labor Day to me.

  70. Xenia says:

    I read some erotica and like any genre there’s a lot of shit. But there’s also some gems out there — not just hot sex, but well written characters and story lines. I’ve read excerpts of 50 Shades on the web and I absolutely refuse to read the rest of it because it is so horridly written. How the hell did this book become so popular?

    • Lucifer says:

      Because idiots.

    • annobanano says:

      Horny sex-starved housewives.

    • irreverence says:

      That’s exactly what I wanted to know. People acted as if there had been no erotica before this shit and yet Harlequin romance softcore reads better.

      • Mayo says:

        So true. And that’s saying a lot cause Harlequin’s stories are shit.

      • coco ebert says:

        Let alone an entire genre of French lit that has been translated into English. Seriously, the French do this better than us American prudes.

        • OzKat says:

          I don’t know, some if it might be too French. I caught some of Bel Ami on TV and a lot if it was annoying. Every time they did something annoying I would just have to say, “Well, they’re French, what do you expect?”

          When in the last scene he marries the daughter of a woman he seduced so he could use her to get money and his mistress (who he loved, but ditched for money) and the woman he slept for money both fondly smile at him because they’re so happy that he got everything that he wanted all I could think was, “This scene is so French that it should have been shot in black, white, blue, and red.”

        • irreverence says:

          Never had the privilege but I shall check it out. I was just floored by the response to this book as if it was somehow groundbreaking or special. A Mary Sueish story of relatively light BDSM between an otherwise unremarkable female lead and a mysterious oh-so-complicated cliche of a male lead? Totally not garden variety or done a million times before…

          • coco ebert says:

            Besides the oldies like Colette and Anais Nin, try “The Sexual Life of Catherine M.” and “The Story of O”.

    • SANS_FARDS says:

      I love well-written erotica. “Lady Chatterley’s Lover” (D.H. Lawrence) made me want to go out and find a scruffy gamekeeper with a cockney accent. 😀

      Sean Bean, if you please:

    • Shannon says:

      Anne Rice wrote some decent erotica under a different name. I cant remember what the name was. She is one of my favorite authors. Now THAT bitch can write.

      • GingerSoul says:

        I think it was Anne Rampling ‘Exit to Eden’

      • Mayo says:

        Well I think Belinda made me doubt about her writing. That novel is so odd and boring.

        • Shannon says:

          I haven’t read that one. Some of her books are very long winded with too many descriptions. The Vampire Chronicles are awesome and so are the Mayfair Witch books.

          • Paquit4 says:

            I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVe the Mayfair books. The Witching Hour has to be one of her best(est) 😛

          • Shannon says:

            I agree!! It’s actually one of my favorite books of all time. I’ve read it 3 times. Lasher and Taltos are phenomenal books as well. She is just an amazing writer.

          • Paquit4 says:

            She is. I started reading the Vampire Chronicles at age 11. Of course I kept reading them as I got older and understood even more things.

            The Mayfairs are to blame for my obsession with Emeralds. And my real name is the same as the first witch in the Mayfair family… So i got hooked!

            Lasher and Taltos are amazing too 🙂

          • Shannon says:

            Was it Deborah? I think that was the first witch. And Rowan was the last. Love those books!!

          • Paquit4 says:

            No! it was Suzanne Mayfair, can’t remember now when the emerald necklace comes in. But she was wearing it in the portrait that was in their house. I just want to go home and read it now!!! Damn you work!

          • Shannon says:

            Lasher was a spirit but he could do crazy shit like cause storms and bring them jewels. The necklace was from lasher. And it was handed down to each witch when the one before her died. Julian was the only male witch. Those books are so good!! I could read them all over again.

          • Paquit4 says:

            That’s right! It was Lahser, ok I am out of the office. Gonna read that tonight (at least start). Have a good one Shannon!

          • Shannon says:

            You too!! Enjoy the book!!

      • Bruinschick says:

        Something Roquelaire. Started with an A. Damn sad bc the books are are right on my dresser and I’m too fucking lazy to go look. Sorry horz.

    • Shannon says:

      Desperate housewives who’s husbands don’t take them to pound town anymore. That’s who likes this.

    • noshitsherlock says:

      I’ve made the same protest-no way am I subjecting myself to that after falling for the Twilight hype.

      • stefystef says:

        I fell for the Twilight hype too, you are not alone. By the time I got to the 3rd book, I was screaming at the book on the bus to work. By book 4, I was fighting the fierce need to burn the book in the middle of the street. I need to give those books away so I can get rid of the junk in my house.

  71. Bruinschick says:

    More like Fifty Shades of Bland. neither of these two do it for me, but the books did even less. Let’s hope the screenwriter has a better handle on the english language than Ms. James. I’ve read lots of fanfic (this was based on Twatlight fanfic, so there you go) and this is not the one. I hope it’s a colossal FAIL.

  72. Hekki says:

    Back in the day, we had “9 1/2 Weeks”. I had the book, too. Anyone remember that?

  73. fundark says:

    Oh Charlie. Oh, dumb, beautiful, sad, desperate Charlie.

  74. Colin Forsecs says:

    In my alternate universe, I think Ryan Seacrest and Candace Cameron should have been offered the roles. How disturbing would that be?

  75. Cricket17 says:

    Ugh I love him on SOA but I don’t want to see him in this. In fact I don’t want to see this at all. Never read the book either. I would have gone to see it if they would have cast Matt Bomer,but he’s the only one I would want to pay to see in this mess.

  76. GingerSoul says:

    I can’t believe this ‘book’ is going to be a movie. Why?

    http://i44.tinypic.com/ajpc0z.gif

    • Miss Tia says:

      Because Hollywood is out of original ideas (or basically will not film original ideas and wants guaranteed $$$$$$$$$$$) so they latch on to the latest most popular book, fad, etc and will make movies out of it until they can get no more money out of it.

      • GingerSoul says:

        You really have to search for good films these days. The hollywood formula of a predictable storyline, annoying soundtrack and random violence puts me to sleep.

    • noshitsherlock says:

      Best review of that pos ever!

  77. ditquoi says:

    she’s pretty. she’d have to be with those genes. just don’t be like your parents and get plastic surgery 8-P

  78. MrsPotatoHead says:

    The fact that Charlie Hunnam is now attached to this fuckery is making my vagina depressed. Like, clinically, Girl Interrupted depressed. Like Sylvia Plath, Bell Jar, stick your head in an oven depressed.

  79. That Gal says:

    I was hoping it would be sexy ass Matt Boner. I don’t know who this guy is but he looks pretty hot and she is beautiful

    I know this movie wll be lame as fuck but can’t wait to see it anyway, i felt like i was the onlly woman on the planet who hadnt read this and was actually against reading it –

    So, after I read it I was pleasantly surprised….I’m embarrassed to say there were some pretty horny parts in that first book

  80. LilDeuceToupee says:

    …mind goes back to Charlie Hunnam and Petyr Baelish in the UK Queer As Folk…mmm…
    Needs a lie down to think about it.

  81. Colin Forsecs says:

    Fuck Labor Day in Atlanta.

    I’m gonna get my Jet Blu on and go to Newark, I meant Manhattan, I meant NYC, I mean The City:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kEDvlSAMhQU&sns=em

  82. ClaireyClaire says:

    I don’t know who these people are and I never read the book but I do advise looking up the story that EL James ripped off, it’s on fanfic.net and its called the Submissive. If you can get over the fact it uses the names of Twilight characters, it’s hot as hell

  83. Aradia says:

    I do not know who these people are.
    I have never had any interest in this book, (and I love books),but a co-worker of mine went on and on about how wonderful it was.
    I read about 10 pages of this complete, suck ass drivel before I laughed my ass off and gave up. I should have considered the source.

    • stefystef says:

      I understand you have to get past page 100. I don’t have for that BS. If you can’t get me by the 2nd chapter, we are done.

  84. She Stinks! says:

    I listened to the audio book in my car on the way to work. I thought it was a comedy.

  85. Stan_Hooper says:

    I bought this shit for a vacation last year and I stopped reading by page 100. I hated it so much. 50 Greys of Shit is a better suited title.

    • lynniepoo says:

      Absolutely could not finish the book. Pure and utter shitfest for sure.

    • stefystef says:

      I read a couple of excerpts and I had to toss it to the side. There are so many MUCH better written erotica and romance (especially love paranormal romances and urban fantasy novels) that that dribble.

      And then I read that the author used to right fan fiction for Twilight and I knew this was bullshit. And I understand most BDSM folks really hate the books.

  86. WTFOMGLOL says:

    I was rooting for Shia LeBeef and Lindsay Lookmanohans for this shit. But I guess I’m 50 Shades outta luck.

  87. lisakim says:

    Dakota Johnson cannot act. This is a good fit for a movie based on a book by an author that cannot write.

  88. anonymousfckr says:

    Ahahha piece of shit is right. But Charlie is sexy so it might work as a soft core porn. The girl is plain though, too bad they couldn’t convince a name for this apparently “very important porn”. Why the hell is this casting so important?

  89. anonymousfckr says:

    I really loved him on queer as folk. He was really sweet and sexy, I was same age as his caracter so it’s not creepy 🙂

  90. annastine says:

    I never read the “book”, will never see the “movie”, don’t care about him and she looks super ordinary but born into a fucked Hollywood family so automatic “career”. What’s for me to like (aside from the bad-ass comments on dlisted)?

  91. Bigbendy says:

    So the consensus seems to be that if you are a fan of Charlie this is a bad choice on his part. If you are a fan of FSOG this is a bad choice on the casting of Christain.

  92. Norma Desperate says:

    people think this guy is hot?? blecch. unsexy as hell. as for her, she’s just a mini Melanie Griffith – let’s hope she’s a bit better actress and doesn’t have he mothers annoying baby voice…

  93. Bee_She_Won says:

    Haven’t read the book, as it sounded pretty dumb. Nor do I have any intention of going to see what will probably be a pretty crappy film.
    But I will check out Charlie’s nekkid sexy scenes from the movie when they inevitably pop on the youtube.

    • WithinReason... says:

      That’s right shortcut your way through, lol I don’t want to know anything about the plot either. It’s probably full of candles and honey and shit, hahaha *shudders*

  94. Make Fists With Your Toes says:

    This faddy shit is STILL a thing?

    I’m almost inclined to think that the producer’s and the writer’s determined and desperate quest to make this movie happen no matter what…is just the kind of Rudy-esque underdog TV movie that no one ever asked for…and might actually happen in itself.

  95. not shocked says:

    So tired of the 50 Shades of Dreck. Every grandma in a bookclub, extremely obese walmart shopper and cubicle worker who still wears clothes from Mervyn’s reads this shit.

  96. Dilbert2020 says:

    Although I will not watch that shitfest…. I must say thank god my Matt did not get cast…. Although I would love to see his Nekkid azz

    • Shannon says:

      He would have been PERFECT for the role. I hate those books with a passion but Matt would have been a good Christian Grey. I’m sure you’ve seen him in Magic Mike. He was naked in that. Yummy deliciousness at its finest.

  97. Pitbully says:

    WTF?? A Spencer Pratt look-alike snagged the leading man role? And Don Johnson’s daughter…I guess she’d be ok. IDK.

  98. Paquit4 says:

    As I did with the first movie of Twilight (to give it a chance) I got the DVD from the video corner store and forwarded the boring parts (ALL OF IT!).

  99. Paquit4 says:

    Damn it! I am out since I am up to my neck in work and just can’t focus. I leave on a work trip next week so I have to work and work and work. Start drinking some water or else you will be too hungover tomorrow. Hugs everyone.

  100. WintahOwl says:

    He’s fug.

  101. fantomas says:

    MK, I know you’re the master of finding the right pic to underline your agreement or disagreement, but in this case you could’ve picked a sexier pic 😛

    like this:

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/1c8d6bb63eeee424d7db2fa287366297/tumblr_mh7lvb4E0A1qc217to1_500.jpg

  102. HillbillyTarantula says:

    My biscuits will no longer feel tingly and excited for him, now that I know he’s involved with that trash… pssssht, who am I kidding? I still would, from here to Mercury, bitches!

  103. skabazzle says:

    I read the first one and quit partway through the second…I kept picturing Simon Baker as Christian Grey, even though he’s about 15 years older than the character.

  104. salacious says:

    Wow, sorry for Hunnam, he was doing so well until now. Both of them are too blond and that’s going to alienate audiences, so one of them needs to dye his/her hair. And girl doesn’t look virginal enough to me unless she grows a bush.

    I’m not looking forward to seeing this stinker but I’m curious about how he will pull the tampon out of her. I’ll probably do what I did with “The Brown Bunny” when I skipped to the blowjob scene.

    So the Apocalypse is really happening, isn’t it? People misunderstood the metaphors in the Bible; shitty books that make people dumber and their movie adaptations are definitely one of the big plagues.

    • WithinReason... says:

      But didn’t everyone do that, Sal? And tbh, it was not that good. Gallo got his rocks off but film was ick blech nast, mf gross and horrible all around. Now, what’s this about a tampon? Good heavens, no, don’t tell me. I prefer to stay a 50 shades of virgin and never find out about that stuff. Charlie will remain Nathan from QAF UK or Sax from SOA (which I’ve yet to see). Let’s not soil things.

      • salacious says:

        Yes Within, I agree 100% about the Brown Bunny. That movie was the biggest, most self indulgent piece of shit that I’ve ever seen. It was all about Gallo -riding a bike across the desert, moping, talking. The only reason why he asked Chloe to blow him is because he couldn’t reach; it was obvious he’s infatuated with himself! :S

        What kind of drugs was she on back then, though? They had already broken up at the time they shot that scene, or so I heard.

        As for the tampon scene, it’s all in there in the link that M.E posted.

        • WithinReason... says:

          I confess, I literally ff to the scandalous scene so I know nothing else about that trash movie. And I have died and gone to the happy ever after, laughing… thank you for pointing to M.E.’s link (thank you M.E.) hahahahaha Yeah, I’ve heard all I need about that 50shadesoftamponnerie.

    • WintahOwl says:

      Eww. He pulls a tramp on out of her? 0< o

      • salacious says:

        Yes, it’s supposed to be “exciting and sexy” for readers to know that the guy doesn’t shy away from having sex with her during her period. :S

  105. RainbowBoobs says:

    This is just fifty shades of NO.

  106. WintahOwl says:

    They after not make this movie into some R-rated flick. Bring it! (Though I’m not watching cuz I refuse to support it, but I’d like to her from you horz if it turns out to be anything like Showgirls.)

    • Stan_Hooper says:

      This will end up being another Showgirl. So much pre-release hoopla over nothing! The film was a laughing stock. Did nothing for that Berkley girl’s career. Dakota, take notes hun.

  107. Zanza says:

    Both too blonde and bland looking. And she looks like she has been around the block one too many times.

    I could see a brunette green-eyed guy for Christian .. like a young Pierce Brosnan type, and a Minka Kelly type for Anastasia.

  108. Kathleenicorn says:

    i used to have a couple dresses just like that, but with patterns, they were so cute but then when i got a boob job they didn’t look good on me anymore 🙁

    • Bizzarelife says:

      Boobs are great, but they do tend to prevent one from wearing certain blouses. I absolutely love fitted blouses, especially ones that have a nice professional look. Good luck to me to find one that does not sag in the middle and pop open. Uggh!

  109. deathtoprom says:

    I don’t know, Sam Taylor-Johnson is a pretty awesome director and photographer…

  110. Bizzarelife says:

    Never read the book regarding this drivel, so I have no idea what would be good or not. Just was not interested…

  111. Lina says:

    This will be a mess.

    The material sucks ass to begin with.

    Charlie Hunnam will be doing what Charles Dance was saying during some interview about actors trying to make a purse out of a pig’s ear or some shit.

    If I were making Fifty Shade of Grey, I’d cast Maggie Smith and Charles Dance. Fuck all these bitches.

    (I know… I know, that’s why I am not in charge of casting anything.)

    • stefystef says:

      I love Charles Dance. Every scene with him on Game of Thrones is classic. Acting students should study him every damn day.

      • Lina says:

        I love him too.

        What is funny is Chalie Hunnam and Little Finger were once in Queer as Folk in a show once.

        Fifty Shades of Kevin Bacon?

        Oh, Game of Thrones? Wishful thinking? Because the books still are not a good source material to turn into a film/tv series…

  112. Adía says:

    50 shades of grey started out as fan fiction

  113. Adía says:

    Hopefully they will dye her hair and clean him up. But I kinda like him being cast seeing as his characters background was a pretty trashy

  114. Uniscorn says:

    Better “written shit to movie” ideas: the laundry advice tag in a sweater, the back of a shampoo bottle, a random Dear Abby submission, Craigslist, Amazon reviews.

    You’re welcome Hollywood.

  115. Ellington says:

    Charlie is a good actor, I liked him in “Nicholas Nickelby”, and as the creep violent albino son in “Cold Mountain”. He was good in “Pacific Rim” and I like SOA, but sweet fancy Moses I will so NOT be seeing 50 Shades of Crap. I LOATHED the book, I tired to read it but I could not get past page 10, it is so poorly written, just awful. Like many here have said there is so much better written, plotted and characterized Romance/Erotic novels out there. It is just so depressing that this is what some think passes for sexy, and intriguing.

    • salacious says:

      I agree. I liked him in those movies. I don’t know what he was aiming for, becoming the next RPattz or the next Brando? Hopefully he won’t think he’ll be shooting the next “Last tango in Paris”. XD

  116. salacious says:

    I agree. He should’ve let Bomer have the role. It’s not like he’s got much going on other than White Collar and proving himself that he can play a straight character.

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