After what felt like years of whores saying that everyone from Ian Somerhalder to Matt Boner to Kermit the Frog (I was rooting for Kermit, obviously) got the role of Christian Grey in that soon-to-be cinematic piece of shit Fifty Shades of Grey, Universal finally announced that horny moms will whip their crotches with Red Vines to Charlie Hunnam when that mess of a movie comes out next year. 33-year-old Charlie Hunnam of Sons of Anarchy, Queer as Folk and Pacific Rimmer will pull a tampon out of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s 23-year-old daughter Dakota Johnson. Universal queefed out this statement to Deadline today:
Charlie Hunnam will star as Christian Grey, the lead male character in Universal Pictures and Focus Features’ highly anticipated film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” it was announced today. He joins Dakota Johnson, who will star opposite him as Anastasia Steele. The film, which will be released by Focus Features on August 1, 2014 in North America, is being directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson and produced by Michael De Luca and Dana Brunetti alongside E L James, the author of the #1 bestselling book on which the film is based. The screenplay is by Kelly Marcel. The announcement about Mr. Hunnam’s casting in Fifty Shades of Grey was made today by Ms. James.
That statement should’ve read: After a long and exhaustive search, we finally found an actor who will gladly collect a pile of money to ruin his career.
I really can’t wait for this shit, because it’s going to be a beautiful disaster and they should just give them all the Razzies now. It’s going to make Exit to Eden look like a documentary on the BDSM lifestyle. The one good thing about Charlie Hunnam being cast as Christian Grey is that his bare ass will probably get a lot of screen time. So there’s that!