On Sunday night, Billy Ray Cyrus holed himself up in his basement and stared at a wall of TVs thatplayed Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance on a loop. Every few hours, he’d call up his housekeeper and tell her to bring him possum jerky, pig lard, moonshine and moist towelletes. Billy Ray finally crawled out of his basement and called Miley to tell her what he thought about her Chipmunks Gone Wild performance. Of course, Billy Ray is proud that Miley twerked out wet strands of elegance all over the family name. Miley tweeted her pappy’s response today. Prepare the brain bleach!
“Mile, if twerkin woulda been invented…. And I had a foam finger…. I woulda done the same thang you did.” – DAD
— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) August 28, 2013
First of all, doesn’t Billy Ray know that Miley is the one who invented twerkin? Twerkin’ didn’t exist before Miley invented it, obviously. When Miley was just one of Billy Ray’s jizz fish, she twerked her way into Tish Cyrus’ ovary egg and that’s how twerkin’ was born. Second of all, I bet he got his top lip wet with his tongue when he said “foam finger” and I don’t like it. Third of all, Billy Ray should put out a song called Achy Breaky Twerk (which is the perfect way to describe Miley’s twerk) and collaborate with Robin Thicke, because I really want to see him have dry butt sex with Alan Thicke’s son while giving head to a foam finger.