What In Marie Antwatnette Hell?

June 18, 2013 / Posted by:

So this is what it would look like if the Fairy Godmother got drunk on fermented apples, got high on pixie dust and accidentally turned a rotten, worm-filled pumpkin into a royal skank instead of turning it into a carriage.

A knocked up Katie Price got sprayed down with bright orange car paint, put on one of Prince Poppycock’s rejected ensembles and threw the carcasses of a dozen Poochie dolls on her head to pose with her stripper husband Kieran Hayler at the launch of her latest literary masterpiece, which will obviously be studied in depth by lit majors at Cambridge. Since Katie’s latest soon-to-be Booker Prize winner is a romance novel, her stripper husband dressed up like a prince complete with a frog mask (it’s weird that he never took it off, right?) and she did herself up like a fried Cheeto covered in cotton candy . The people at the event whose retinas weren’t burnt off by the UV rays shooting off of Katie’s skin were stunned by the classiness and exquisiteness of it all.

In other Katie Price news, she recently got kicked out of a tanning salon because they wouldn’t let her expose her unborn fetus to the UV rays. Katie told the BBC that the salon was obviously just using her name to get some free publicity and there’s nothing wrong with charbroiling your fetus.

“I think there was a tanning shop opening down the road, so she probably wanted press for her one. You can go on sunbeds when you’re pregnant. It’s ridiculous. Look how brown I am. I’ve have just been on holiday. Is the sun bad for you? But anyway, whatever anyone says, it’s my life and I do what I like.”

Katie Price is one hundred percent correct. Her baby will be fine. I’m pretty sure Tan Mom’s mom conceived her in a tanning bed, birthed her in a tanning bed and used a tanning bed as her crib and she turned out fine! Besides, Katie Price does not want to give birth to a pasty white thing so she might as well tan her fetus while it’s lounging in there. Fetuses need something to do.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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