Would You Hit It?

March 29, 2012 / Posted by:

When I first read the headline earlier that said James Franco’s character in the feature film version of TruTV’s Party Heat called Spring Breakers was based on Riff Raff, I was so pissed to learn that the Riff Raff his character is based on is not this Riff Raff:

It’s the other OTHER Riff Raff who was on Vh1’s From G’s to Gents. The real Riff Raff is bragging to everyone that Harmony Korine offered him the role, but he couldn’t take it since he was too busy working out of the country (aka working three shifts in a row in the stock room of a Pier 1 knock-off store in Ohio called Out of the Country). So James Franco took the role and is shooting this movie in between taking Polaroid pictures of squirrel urethras for his art school thesis and executive producing a Nickelodeon show based around a family of turnips.

When I look at James Franco in this mess, I don’t see the “rapper” Riff Raff. I see the Rocky Horror Riff Raff (I’m trying to cover all the Riff Raffs in one post) after injecting himself with the essence of Gary Oldman’s True Romance character and gaining 90 pounds by cutting his meth with Bisquick to play a KFed impersonator in a Cash4Gold commercial. Franco is nailing it!

Who knew that James Franco could pull off the “middle-class suburban douche trying to seem street by telling everyone that he was raised in the projects of Detroit” look so well? And to answer my headline question, yes, I’d hit it just to watch those A cups bounce. I bet James Franco’s peen tastes like sour milk and his jizz has the consistency of cottage cheese, so I better bring a can of peaches.

And let’s just pretend that the yellow-weaved beauty in the blue bathing suit is Hottie from Flavor of Love. I mean, she kind of looks like Beyonce.

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