Bun In The Too Easy Bake Oven
Rachel Uchitel, one of the chicks who's famous for doing down and dirty Ambien-induced ho shit with Tiger Woods, is pregnant and this time she thinks she knows who the father is! Or at least that's what she's telling her husband. TMZ reports that Rachel's developing crotch fruit should be ripe for the picking sometime in April. They did maths and came up with the date from Rachel's tweet with this pic and "Expecting big things for 2012... Five down, Four months to go." She married Matt Hahn, the only man on Earth who's never heard the old saying that you can't make a ho a housewife, in a secret ceremony in October. I wonder if the bride wore white? Hey, cum stains are white, so. Pristine.
So if the baby is due in April, and they of course saved sex for their wedding night (aaahahahhaha), this miraculous bebeh will only take 7 months to fully cook! Fast, just like momma. Someone should tell Matt that butt secks does not result in babies. No, on second thought don't, and let him love the little bundle of joy when he comes out with a lovely tan, looks suspiciously like the pool boy and has a propensity for speaking Spanish.
Congrats to the happy couple! And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that.
TMZ
• 
could they not take ten seconds to remove the hairbrush, cosmetics and crumpled towel/clothing? i'm sure the internet would've patiently waited.
This slut's ugly ass dress, and that barebacked hooker fetus, is most damn definitely the coming of the end of days. *fortifies bunker*
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"Discussions about what is good, beautiful, noble, pure, true, could always go on. Why is that important? Because that is the only conversation worth having." Christopher Hitchens,1949-2011. (RIP Winehouse,1983-2011) *caprica six was/is here*
Thought she was katie price for a moment there.
pukety puke. I guess there's someone for everyone.
Bet you she was wishing it was Tiger's or David Boreanez's spawn. Ka-ching!
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Shiitake happens...
all i can say is that i hope the baby comes out black :) that would be hilarious
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I wish I had multiple Alts, that way I won't be so lonely when I'm talking to myself
"And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that"
Holy shit! LOL.
I have to call bullshit on this though. You know she got the chlamydia and the gonnorhea a couple times. I'm pretty sure she's sterile. That's what I look like after Hometown Buffet.
Concur. Great job Sweetas, J. Harvey (love the posts) , Michael (wouldn't be the same without you), and Lahoma, good to see you here too! :)
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BEEJ RUINED! - MK
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Taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom, regardless of what body part, is just hillybbilly tacky.
Don't forget the meat thermometer with things in the oven! It's the only way to fully assure even, complete cooking.
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Sweetas--great post!
"And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that."
Classic!!
Submitted by babybunny on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 1:52pm.
this bitch will have her on the ho stroll by the age of 3, putting Pimp Mamma Kris to shame. So many great parents can't have kids for whatever stupid reason, and this slut is popping out a kid. This kills me, cause what kind of morals is a moral-less mother going to teach a kid? If it is boy, go get those me-maws, if it is girl she is beyond fucked. She have her in stilletos and miniskirts before the baby can even walks. ***Barfs into garbage can**** that is just beyond sad.
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It is pretty unfair, it's as though stupidity grants you more fertility. It's beginning to feel like the beginning of Idiocracy.
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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?
http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/
After watching her on "Celebrity Rehab" I personally hope she is on the mend and has changed her ways for the better. I liked her on that show. She's just another tortured soul.
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www.dungeonhordes.com
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this bitch will have her on the ho stroll by the age of 3, putting Pimp Mamma Kris to shame. So many great parents can't have kids for whatever stupid reason, and this slut is popping out a kid. This kills me, cause what kind of morals is a moral-less mother going to teach a kid? If it is boy, go get those me-maws, if it is girl she is beyond fucked. She have her in stilletos and miniskirts before the baby can even walks. ***Barfs into garbage can**** that is just beyond sad.
Submitted by Bjork You on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 12:19pm.
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I'll have to remember some more dirt she told me. There were at least 3 or 4 stories she told to the group, but I was kind of busy pretending to half listen. To all of my co-workers I'm a straight-laced math nerd, but in reality I'm a gossip-loving slut who spends every free moment of her day (two 15 minute breaks and an hour long lunch to be exact) on Dlisted.
I do remember that my friend said that she herself met Fuckntell in person a few times when she went over to visit the BFF. Bitch was pumped full of collagen and wouldn't look anyone in the eye or talk to them directly.(My friend later guessed that the remainder of Tiger's money from that deal was probably pumped into her face before he asked for that shit back.)
Rachel would go on major shopping sprees on one of her sugar daddies' dime, but wouldn't come up with her portion of the rent on time. And back when she was still "hosting and planning events" she'd want 10k up front just to set up a meeting. The roommate by that time had guessed that she was nothing more than a glorified hooker since most of her parties sucked.
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"'Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.' We hear the music and we still think you're insane, bitch. For the record." [Michael K on Megan Fox]
Submitted by warpdrive on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 11:16am.
Oh, and uchitel did lose her 10 million. She had to pay it back to tiger woods when she yapped about him on Celebrity Rehab.
The iceing on the cake was Gloria Allred advised her to return the money but worked out a deal on the other end to get her attorney's fee.
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There it is. Not only is side piece whore ughitel an easy leg spread whore, but she's stupid as shit. Also, it proves WHOREia allred is all about the money & publicity. Can't someone just whack these two bitches already?
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"There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
Poor kid. If it's a girl, ughitell will teach her "down on your knees = cash!" ho shit. If it's a boy, ughitell will teach it that all women are to be disgarded like trash. Either way, the kid's fucked...
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"There's not enough liquor or therapy in the world to help me forget that..." - Archer
I also meant to comment that her dress makes her look like a defected candy cane. I seriously thought it was some kind of dumb holiday costume. Pregnant and wearing horizontal stripes, really?
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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?
http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/
Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 12:11pm.
Remember there was a case in FL of this woman who was caught on tape plotting to kill her husband?
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I forgot about that! And I didn't know her husband was also a dirtbag. I went back and read some of the news - they met when he hired her from an escort service! Priceless!
That's probably one of the funniest titles to date, bravo!
That poor child though, he/she will get picked on badly for being related to that.
Unfortunately I know a few of these women that Hekki is talking about. Some of them aren't even attractive, suffers from some kind of mental disorder, and yet manages to get new boyfriends in a snap and treat them like their ultimate bitch. Had several (failed) engagements and everything. I should envy them for being able to get men to do that, but I can't..I just can't.
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What would Jesus do for a Klondike Bar?
http://chakrakahn.tumblr.com/
LOL @ bitch having to give back all that money. Sweetas, you forgot to add the Your Vagina Is Large tag.
Wow, Tiger Woods must have very slow sperm. Oh wait, she has found herself another idiot already.
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"We are here on earth to do good for others.
What the others are here for, I don't know."
W.H. Auden
Submitted by Nicholeoleoleo on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 11:31am.
True story, my friend from work is best friends with one of Rachel Fuckntell's old roommates. They lived in a flat in NYC a while back (after he fiance died in the towers, but before the Tiger thing.)
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I totally LOVE this shit. Anymore stories... Just make some up anyway.
Yuckysmell's husband must be one of those guys who likes to dress his wife up slutty and parade her around for other men to ogle because how the hell you make Tiger "Beaver Teeth" Woods' bottom bitch your wife is way beyond me.
Submitted by Hekki on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 12:11pm.
Remember there was a case in FL of this woman who was caught on tape plotting to kill her husband? Dahlia something. Yeah, they cops busted her and pretended that the plot to kill the husband had been successful and she was all fake crying. Anyway, you feel so sorry for the husband until you see him interviewed. He was just as big a dirtbag and con artist as SHE was.
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I forgot all about that! Stupid sow.
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Oh, and blow me, like three times a month. That's all I ask, sweet_b.
Submitted by sweet_b on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 11:38am.
This is the kind of shit I don't get at all. This low budget gutter bitch found a husband and is about to have a baby!!! How in the hell do these piece of trash skanks keep finding men to marry them. Fuck them ok but MARRY....how in the hell do you take someone like this home to your family. How could you want this person to be the mother of your kids. SICK
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sweet_b, I am rich and will marry you and whisk you to wherever your heart desires. Just give me pretty babies.
Submitted by sweet_b: "This is the kind of shit I don't get at all. This low budget gutter bitch found a husband and is about to have a baby!!! How in the hell do these piece of trash skanks keep finding men to marry them."
I have NO IDEA. It is one of the mysteries of life. No joke.
We all know at least ONE girl like this - super-flirty who wears lots of makeup and treats men like shit - who's been engaged three or four times.
I think these women are master manipulators, and if it's any consolation to regular women out there, the proposals aren't the real kind. They're issued by guys who have been dazzled by a truckload of bullshit and manipulation.
Remember there was a case in FL of this woman who was caught on tape plotting to kill her husband? Dahlia something. Yeah, they cops busted her and pretended that the plot to kill the husband had been successful and she was all fake crying. Anyway, you feel so sorry for the husband until you see him interviewed. He was just as big a dirtbag and con artist as SHE was.
Submitted by Nicholeoleoleo on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 11:31am.
Oh fuck. She really is the lowest form of scum.
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Cupid, draw back your bow
And let you arrow flow
Straight to my lover's heart for me
-Sam Cooke
Haha @ Sweetas that last line was classic!
"Congrats to the happy couple! And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don't want to slide down that."
I can't stop laughing...
This is the kind of shit I don't get at all. This low budget gutter bitch found a husband and is about to have a baby!!! How in the hell do these piece of trash skanks keep finding men to marry them. Fuck them ok but MARRY....how in the hell do you take someone like this home to your family. How could you want this person to be the mother of your kids. SICK
True story, my friend from work is best friends with one of Rachel Fuckntell's old roommates. They lived in a flat in NYC a while back (after he fiance died in the towers, but before the Tiger thing.)
Girlfriend had stories for days. Not only is this hoe-bag showered with gifts and shit all the time, but she's fucking cheap.
Before she landed Tiger she used to sleep around with some other loaded celebrity and he gave her full access to his private jet. One time on vacation in the Bahamas, Rachel arranged for her dog to be flown down separately.
Rachel also arranged to have a chef come in and prepare the damn dog fillet minon, while all of her broke fresh out of college roommates sat around hungry and shit.
I wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't come straight from the former roommates mouth.
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"'Those who danced were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.' We hear the music and we still think you're insane, bitch. For the record." [Michael K on Megan Fox]
Well, on the plus side, that baby will be able to waltz right out of there, no waiting for dilation.
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I'm here to kick ass and drink tea. And I'm all out of tea.
That c-section joke was too good!
JFC. This whore can still get pregnant with her age, the STD's and how many abortions?
Shia Labouf got this skank ho up the duff?? AM I BLIND?
Hope they're banking their cash for Baby Duck Lips' therapy fund...he/she's gonna need it.
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Never question Bruce Dickinson!
exactly, she has to give back the millions for blabbing. Hope it was worth it for her.
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If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession, don't even think about me
-Sting
grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
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If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession, don't even think about me
-Sting
I hope she remembers the baby will have her real features, not the ones she bought.
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If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession, don't even think about me
-Sting
@ Tequila Tax
IMO, he saw dollar signs when he agreed to marry her. Wonder how that's working out for him?
*snicker*
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www.charitywater.org
www.theanimalrescuesite.com
www.modestneeds.org
Can you imagine bringing this trash home to your mother and father and telling them this is their new daughter in law? Oh, and were pregnant! I want to see a photo of the parents faces.
Oh, and uchitel did lose her 10 million. She had to pay it back to tiger woods when she yapped about him on Celebrity Rehab.
The iceing on the cake was Gloria Allred advised her to return the money but worked out a deal on the other end to get her attorney's fee.
Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 10:17am.
Idiots should not be allowed to breed.
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THIS!
Honestly, hookas and hos should NOT be aloud to have babies.
Complete trash.
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Never question Bruce Dickinson!
Submitted by DirtyWhoreMouth on Wed, 12/28/2011 - 10:17am.
Idiots should not be allowed to breed.
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Move over, Farmville, we now have Makaziville because if anyone knows Africa, it's the Duggars (and Angela):
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Fucking skank. I'm glad she had to give back that payout although it would have been fun to watch Tiger's lawyers go after her.
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"... and her temper worse than wildfire it is gunpowder and blows up everything ..." Mary Shelley
Submitted by QueenieBK - "I'm glad she had to give back that payout although it would have been fun to watch Tiger's lawyers go after her."
It would be even more fun if actual tigers went after her!
"I know that I'm going to be a target, but I'm never going to be a victim". - Justin Bieber
I hope he is fucking around on her as we speak.