Nothing Compares To Peen
Attention all half-blind, stubble-having, employed rugby players who are not named Brian or Nigel, Sinead O'Connor is hornier than a Catholic priest at an altar boy open call and is looking to get dicked before she starts humping cab bumpers (her words). There comes a time in every DFD (desperate for dick) gay's life when he falls in love with Sinead all over again and this is the time for me. Sinead's hungry hungry O'Poon is chomping at the bit and she put its moans for peen into words on her blog.
Sinead sounds so desperate that a ho would think her only requirement is a "getup ready dick," but she actually gets pretty specific. Very specific.
My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action.Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing.
So I've been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.
Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.
He must be no younger than 44.
Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog.
Must not be named Brian or Nigel.Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous.
Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.
Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.
I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.
No hair gel.
No hair dryer use.
No hair dye
Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.
No after shave.
Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam.
Must be wham-bam.
Has to like his mother.
Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.
Has to live in own place.
I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana
Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com
Sinead posted this plead for peen on August 20th and she thought she found a hairy fuck beast to handle her right, but then he told her he has a knocked up girlfriend. So Sinead's vagina is back to shooting out flares and the search continues. Sinead has since dropped the "No Brians or Nigels" requirement and said she'll also consider ladies. Oh, and if you cringe at the poop noodle, Sinead isn't interested.
I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown'.. Don't apply... I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.
The difficult brown?! I think we're all done here. I hereby nominate Sinead O'Connor as head writer of all our Craigslist, Grindr and OKCupid ads.
via ONTD
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Not buying this bs.
BTW- I saw her concert here in Slovakia and she’s still superb artist
http://enzo5.blogspot.com/
Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 12:55am.
I like the azure. Gotta be now, because you won't be able to look at the trim without thinking of Sinead's difficult brown times. Greek seaside villa is always a good look. 'Night Rusty.
Submitted by hotpocket on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 12:47am.
Dint know that about the agave. *starting to panic* I'll do some researchery in the cold light of morning.
Well, the house is flat white; the only color is on the trim and shutters, which are currently sort of Difficult Brown. I think I'm going with a deep azure, like the roof to a Greek seaside house.
Off to Bedfordshire...
What Is and What Should Never Be
Submitted by becky n sydney on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 12:01am.
Submitted by hotpocket on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 11:49pm
If you absolutely insist...
*SERIOUSLY NSFW* (Not safe for any place, if you ask me.)
http://www.tiava.com/search/?q=Vegetable&kwid=5746&c=1
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Mah Gawd, Becky! lol that's funny and disturbing
*Wonders if someone really does it with a pineapple*
Submitted by RustyHooligan on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 12:23am.
It's interesting, I guess there was an agave shortage in the 90's. The plants take a long time to mature and now, supposedly, they're using these agave plants that are "immature." But I can't tell the difference, because I'm feeling fine tonight.
Ha, don't want to encourage drunken workers. I'm running a business for someone and if she knew my state once in awhile after a busy weekend, she wouldn't be pleased. But I'm a professional, dammit, and sales are up. Not everyone can pull it together like that, though. What color are you painting the house?
Submitted by becky n sydney on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 12:01am.
*SERIOUSLY NSFW* (Not safe for any place, if you ask me.)
Remember that the next time you're served a salad at someone's house. The hot chicks with dicks were confusing me.
What Is and What Should Never Be
Submitted by hotpocket on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 12:02am.
Why extinct--we drank it all? What will Lohan fall into? I suspect there are millions and millions of barren acres in MX that could be planted in agave.
On a related note, I came *this close* to buying my house painter a fancy gift bottle of Cazadores for after he finishes working on the house tomorrow. Then I realized that might be counterproductive if he fails to show up again early Monday.
What Is and What Should Never Be
Submitted by becky n sydney on Sat, 08/27/2011 - 12:01am.
That was disturbing and hilarious. I swear, there's a porn site for everything. I must admit, I feel self conscious picking out a cucumber at the store. It's so phallic, but you never know if the lady next to you is only going to eat hers. The curse of a dirty mind, ha.
Manimal, Becky's got a link for ya~
Rusty, nice. I heard about ten years ago that Agave was going to be extinct, but we still have our tequila. We're drinking panda bears, I guess. And it tastes so good.
Submitted by hotpocket on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 11:49pm
If you absolutely insist...
*SERIOUSLY NSFW* (Not safe for any place, if you ask me.)
http://www.tiava.com/search/?q=Vegetable&kwid=5746&c=1
I searched for Sinead O'connor nude pics.
*selects I'm feeling lucky*
Submitted by hotpocket on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 11:49pm.
I have a feeling the "difficult brown" is going to become very popular--as a slang term, I mean. I'm having tequila, as well, on stacks of ice. Too humid here.
What Is and What Should Never Be
Rusty, yes, the Poop would not approve of these shenanigans. But Poop happens with the difficult brown times, especially among altar boys. And in the morning.
Becky n sydney, You holding back some sweet vegetable porn on us? Come on girl, let's see some eggplant and rutabaga action!
How are you all doing? I had tequila for dinner, and I'm in the mood for playful mischief.
Bananas and Yams better get a restraining order.
I wonder if she'll don the priest's outfit for the "difficult brown".
Submitted by joe shmoe on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 6:21pm.
LMAO @ pineapple suggestion!
I thought it would be funny to pop up a link to pix of some of the more precocious anal vegetable insertions.
Googling around I found a wondrous link showing a young lady with four (count them, four!) carrots simultaneously penetrating her bot-bot. Now, as anatomically impressive (and comical - trust) as this obviously was, I have chosen not to assault Dlisted eyeballs with such carrotty mirth.
And yeah, you can thank me.
(Don't even ask about the eggplant. O_o)
*tearing up photo of the Poop*
What Is and What Should Never Be
Sinead, you dirty bitch. Awesome. Call your countryman Colin Farrell, love. Something tells me that randy Irishman's down for anything. Even the difficult brown, although I read he's hung like a Sasquatch so you might want to ease into that.
Did anyone else laugh out loud, then feel slightly embarrassed for Sinead and her empty box?
Was she drunk?
Submitted by Bjork You on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 1:25pm.
"...if things get weird because of the wrong kind of drugs, you don't want the cops in your place because you freaked out because you have something up your ass."
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^^ again, something that needs to be someone's siggy
I thoroughly enjoy anal sex. It is more of a heat-of-the-moment thing instead of saying "this is what we're doing." Its best when having casual sex...I know this makes me a whore....(penis size unless a foot long doesn't matter)
LOLOLOL Lemonene and Nightowl...
Who would've thought this thread would turn out so educational?
Wait. I do the reverse well, which is blow the trombone from the front and use the fingers in the back. So maybe a rusty clarinet.
Submitted by Bjork You on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 7:41pm.
I play a mean rusty trombone
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I was afraid to ask what was that?
But my translator said "chupando el culo" , then I laugh
I play a mean rusty trombone.
Submitted by Lemonene on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 7:36pm.
The brown I get, I'm just wondering why is it "difficult".
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Going by the ever-educational comments of our fellow Dlisters, I'm guessing insufficient lube.
Submitted by becky n sydney on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 7:31pm
If she eats a lot of spinach, does it become "the difficult green"? LOL
(I've never heard "the difficult brown" before - maybe it's an Irish phrase?)
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ahhahahahaha the difficult green
The brown I get, I'm just wondering why is it "difficult".
See what being brought up as a sexually starved Irish Catholic will do to you? You just can't go into a bar and pick up a guy, the guilt will get you every time and then suddenly you realize that you have become this!
Submitted by Lemonene on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 7:26pm.
OT. still laughing at "the difficult brown"
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If she eats a lot of spinach, does it become "the difficult green"? LOL
(I've not heard "the difficult brown" before.)
Submitted by becky n sydney on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 7:17pm.
Submitted by Lemonene on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 7:08pm.
@ Becky
Good morning, Becks! How is the snow?
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""
The giant polar blast is in NZ, but here we've had the best start to the ski season in 20 years.
I only have a frosted over car to deal with. :)
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*facepalm*
I'm jelly is so hot here!
OT. still laughing at "the difficult brown"
@ nightowl
Have you considered purchasing the attractive fuschia-coloured sex toy/garden implement to the right of screen? -->
Not just for your immediate pleasure, you could use it to cultivate vegetables for future trysts. :)
*catches dildo*
* looks for Vaseline jar*
Submitted by Lemonene on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 7:08pm.
@ Becky
Good morning, Becks! How is the snow?
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""
The giant polar blast is in NZ, but here we've had the best start to the ski season in 20 years.
I only have a frosted over car to deal with. :)
Submitted by Zorba-the-Geek on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 7:09pm.
*throws dildo at nightowl*
Put the veggies down, girl!
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*Catches dildo with mouth*
Oh, it wasn't for me, Sorry!
*Cleans it with shirt*
Here ya go, Nightowl
Lol uncle brainfart! It sounds tempting but I'm not giving my adress to anyone! I've just gotta get some gut and buy one at spencers or invite some friends to go shopping with me.
@ Becky
Good morning, Becks! How is the snow?
Poor uncle!
Nightowl, if the internet wasn`t such a scary place, i would say, put your damn address on here, and I will send you a first-timer dildo set, so you stay the fuck away from other objects. It is my duty as a retired slut to make sure nobody gets injured doing ho-shit.
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"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs
@Lemonene
Mornin'! This has been a fun thread to wake up to! :D
@nightowl
I think the first time is always difficult or kinda weird, so don't worry about that.
If it's only for chocha urges better get a dildo or vibrator.
no fruit salad for the chocha
*throws dildo at nightowl*
Put the veggies down, girl!
Submitted by becky n sydney on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 6:43pm.
Submitted by dementa on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 11:45am.
Is this the 90s, that anyone cares about Sinead O'Connor?
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I think it's more that everyone enjoys shooting the shit about anal sex.
(Sorry, couldn't resist. ;D)
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bwahahaha becky
Late for the party. Now THAT was surprisingly funny. And on topic of anal. I have done it a few times before i met my husband, once was like meh, the other two times i actually liked. My husband`s peen is way too big to make that kinda thing work. We tried a few times, drunk , sober, lubbed up to the max, there is no way that thing would fit. So no more booty-sex for me.
=================================================
"I also have felt the nose heat of the man meat."
SFRB, 04/26/11
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http://www.youtube.com/user/beeper246#p/a/u/2/BrO86m4qAEs
Awaits Lady GaGa's rehash of the public peen plea in 3..2..1..
Submitted by dementa on Fri, 08/26/2011 - 11:45am.
Is this the 90s, that anyone cares about Sinead O'Connor?
""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
I think it's more that everyone enjoys shooting the shit about anal sex.
(Sorry, couldn't resist. ;D)
Saltydog, Ive already been warned about the bottle, and well I was worried about the veggies.
But the cactus is ok right?
This has to be fake. This has fake Sinead O'connor poser written all over it.
__________________________________
Angels say they can make you suffer.They give and take like a vicious lover .When all this loses meaning, You'll never want it back somehow"-Neverending White Lights (The Grace)
@NightOwl don't use a carrot, squash, bottle...ect anything that can break and doesn't have a base. because if something happens and that carrot breaks off it is on a one way trip up your system and you're on your way to the hospital