A Judge Finds Oscar Pistorius Not Guilty Of Premeditated Murder

But the motherfucker is guilty of grossing me the hell out with that double snot stream.

This morning in South Africa, Judge Thokozile Matilda Masipa thew out the premeditated murder charge against Oscar Pistorius and told the court that she doesn’t think he planned to murder his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp when he shot her several times through the locked door of the toilet room in his house in Pretoria on Valentine’s Day in 2013. The verdict process in South African isn’t’ like the verdict process here in the US. When a trick is found not guilty of murder, they aren’t immediately released into the wild where they tell reporters that they’re going to Disneyland. Judge Maspia spent all day delivering her final verdict and she still hasn’t delivered it. That’ll happen tomorrow. She told the court that the state didn’t deliver enough evidence that proves that Oscar should be found guilty of murder. Judge Masipa said that Oscar is “negligent” but she can’t find him guilty of premeditated murder.

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Oscar Pistorius Is Free On Bail

Oscar Pistorius is free to shoot up more intruders today after Magistrate Desmond Nair (Side note: Rachel Dratch is right. Every name involved in this case came from the mind of Suzanne Collins.) released him on bail, because the judge doesn’t think he’s a flight risk. I see what you did there, Magistrate Nair.

After four days of hearing from Oscar’s defense and the prosecution, the judge spent two hours today breaking down all of the evidence. Oscar’s side of the story is that he thought his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp was a thief hiding out in the water closet so he shot through the door and “accidentally” killed her. My brain burped up a whole lot of question marks when I read Oscar’s side of the story. How could he not know that Reeva wasn’t in the bed? Why didn’t she answer when he shouted at the bathroom door? If Oscar is so paranoid about getting robbed, why did he sleep with the sliding door open and was his security system on at time (I’m guessing not since the sliding door was open)?

Oscar didn’t answer the sliding door question, but he did say that it was really dark in the bedroom and he doesn’t know why Reeva didn’t shout back at him.

The prosecution told the judge that they believe he planned to kill Reeva when she locked herself in the bathroom. Oscar’s defense said that they will fight the premeditated murder charge.

The New York Times says that Magistrate Desmond Nair spent nearly 2 hours farting at the mouth about the history of bail and then he said that he doesn’t think Oscar is going to get on the next plane to Switzerland, because life as a fugitive with no legs IS HARD! Here’s a piece of what he said:

But Magistrate Nair seemed skeptical on Friday about the risk of flight by Mr. Pistorius. “What kind of life would he lead, a person who has to use prostheses, if he has to flee” and found himself “ducking and diving every day” on artificial limbs, the magistrate asked. “His international career would be over in any event.”

“A life not in prison,” Mr. Nel replied, comparing Mr. Pistorius to the WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, who has taken refuge in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London, despite his “famous face.”

After going on and on about nothing, Magistrate Nair set bail at 1 million rand ($112,000) and confiscated Oscar’s passport. The next hearing is on June 4th.

Also, a detective in the case stepped down (or was thrown off the case) after the media found out that he’s facing charges for attempted murder.

Does Oscar own a white Bronco, because we all know how this is going to play out. Oscar will be found not-guilty (“If the legs don’t fit, you must acquit!“), then he’s going to write a book called “If I Did It” and then his defense lawyer’s daughters will star in a reality show. We’ve all seen this movie before!

Oscar Pistorius Tells His Side Of The Story And It Doesn’t Make Any Sense

Not that shooting your girlfriend for any reason makes sense, but you know. Oscar Pistorius was in court today to be officially charged with premeditated murder and during the hearing his lawyer read a statement written by him. It turns out the burglar story that the media was throwing around is the story that Oscar is going with.

Oscar says that the night before the murder, he and his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp spent the night at his house. She did yoga, he watched TV and afterward they went to sleep together. Oscar said in his statement that he knows everybody gets robbed in his neighborhood and he has gotten several death threats before, so he keeps a 9mm pistol under his bed.  In the early morning on February 14th, Oscar woke up to close the balcony door when he heard a noise in the bathroom. Now a normal person who thinks normally would just assume that their piece was taking a middle of the night piss. But Oscar, who wasn’t wearing his legs at the same, got scared, grabbed his gun from under the bed and went to the bathroom.

Oscar claims he didn’t turn the lights on, but he did shout at the person in the bathroom. When he didn’t hear anything back, he shot through the bathroom door several times. Oscar went back to the bed and realized that Reeva was in it. So he put on his legs, beat the locked bathroom door open with a cricket bat, called the paramedics and then carried her down the stairs. Oscar says that she died in his arms.

Oscar says he now knows that Reeva went to use the bathroom when he went to close the balcony door. He claims he’s innocent and that he never meant to kill Reeva, because he was in love with her and shit.

The prosecutors were not moved and they told the court that Oscar meant to kill Reeva. Bail was denied and Oscar will stay in a cell.

Most of that shit makes no sense and if Oscar claimed that aliens with guns from District 9 killed her, I’d believe that story before I’d believe the story he told in court. Reeva really didn’t shout back when he shouted at her through the bathroom door? And when he went to get the gun from under his bed, he didn’t notice that she wasn’t in it anymore? Is Jodi Arias on his defense team, because that story is a full-on fairytale.

All the times that I got up in the middle of the night to take a 2am piss, the piece in my bed would either stay sleeping or tell me to piss quieter. I guess I should feel lucky that he never shot my ass.

Click here to read Oscar’s full statement if that’s what you need today.

A Bloody Cricket Bat And Roids Were Reportedly Found In Oscar Pistorius’ House

And here comes that ROID RAGE defense everybody knew was coming.

“Police sources” are still whispering into the ears of the media in South Africa and one police source says that a bloody cricket bat and some steroids were found in Oscar Pistorius’ house. The source tells The City Press that Reeva Steenkamp’s skull was crushed and so police are doing tests on the cricket bat to see if Oscar Pistorius beat her with it. They are also testing Oscar Pistorius’ blood to see if roids were in his system that night.

The source tells The City Press that the police are starting to piece together the events of that night. They think that Reeva and Oscar got into a fight in his bedroom and he either used the cricket bat to beat her or she used the cricket bat to defend herself. The police found a cartridge in his bedroom, so they think he shot at her upstairs and then chased her to the bathroom where he shot through the door. Oscar reportedly called his father after the shooting and told his sister Aimee that he mistook Reeva for a burglar. Oscar’s burglar defense makes so much sense, because Reeva was wearing a nightie at the time and we know that most thieves where flowy nighties when they rob a bitch.

Reeva’s overnight bag and her iPad were found on the floor of Oscar’s bedroom. The Daily Mail says that the media in South African is speculating that Reeva and Oscar might’ve fought about one of her ex-pieces. One source claims that right before she was murdered, Reeva got a text message on her iPad from her rugby playing ex-boyfriend Francois Hougaard. Francois’ agent told the media to leave him out of this tragedy, because it had nothing to do with him.

And the South African media is really trying to outdo the Taiwanese CGI wizards, because they recreated the night of Reeva’s murder in a comic strip. How do you say “I can’t” in Afrikaans?

Oscar Pistorius Allegedly Tried To Revive Reeva Steenkamp After Shooting Her

It was reported earlier that when the security guards from Oscar Pistorius’ gated complex showed up to his house after he shot his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp, they found him kneeling next to her body in the bathroom. But the South African newspaper Beeld (via NYDN and the Telegraph) says that during Oscar’s hearing yesterday, prosecutors said that when the security guards showed up to his house, he was running down the stairs with Reeva in his arms and he was trying to do CPR on her. Yeah, I think my brain just twisted all the way around while trying to picture Oscar running down the stairs while holding Reeva and trying to give her mouth-to-mouth at the same time.

The police aren’t saying shit about this, because they’re currently in the middle of an investigation. But a source close to the investigation is opening their mouth to Beeld. They said that the police believe Reeva was sitting on the toilet when Oscar shot bullets through the bathroom door. Neighbors called the police two hours before the shooting after they heard people arguing in Oscar’s house. The police are also talking to Oscar’s ex-girlfriend who made “vague” abuse allegations against him to a local newspaper.

And TMZ says Reeva was a domestic abuse advocate and the day she was murdered, she was supposed to talk to students at a local high school about how she got away from an abusive ex-boyfriend.

Now if you’ll excuse me if I have try to find a way to untwist my brain.

via Deadspin

Oscar Pistorius Will Be Charged With Premeditated Murder

Oscar Pistorius, the double amputee sprinter who became the sweetheart of the Olympics this past summer, cried tears into his hands in a court room in South Africa this morning when the prosecutors announced that they will throw a premeditated murder charge at his ass, because they believe he meant to shoot his 30-year-old girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp. Oscar’s agent told reporters that he didn’t mean to shoot his girlfriend dead and he will fight the charges.

According to the literary journal where I get all my very important news, The Daily Mail, the police were called to Oscar’s house in Pretoria after neighbors heard some noises. Apparently, the neighbors called before the shooting. Neighbors also said they heard screaming and shouting before the shooting. After the shooting, the security guards from Oscar’s gated community found him kneeling next to Reeva’s body in the downstairs bathroom. She was shot four times through a closed bathroom door. The police didn’t buy Oscar’s whole “I thought she was a robba!” story and immediately arrested him. A rep for the police department said yesterday that they’ve been called out to Oscar’s house before to deal with situations of a “domestic nature.” Oscar was also arrested in 2009 for allegedly assaulting a female friend. The friend eventually dropped the charges.

Pretoria has one of the highest rates of home robbery in South Africa and Oscar said in an interview once that he was paranoid about people breaking into his house. Last November, he tweeted: “Nothing like getting home to hear the washing machine on and thinking its an intruder to go into full combat recon mode into the pantry! waa.” 

I don’t really get that washing machine tweet either. If a thief breaks into your house and starts doing laundry, they’re either the nicest burglar ever or they have a serious case of OCD.

I don’t even know what to make of this and I’m going to need South Africa to fly Detective La Toya Jackson in so she can get to the bottom of this and EVERYTHING else. I mean, shooting through the bathroom door makes me think that he really thought she was a burglar and just went crazy like Rose McGowan with her leg gun. But the neighbors heard shouting noises hours before the shooting and that makes it seem like a domestic situation.

I don’t know, but I do know that these pictures from the court room look like they were taken with a View-Master from the inside of a closet.