Richard Simmons

PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.

Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go "meh" and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.

Go Richard!

I was going to post that picture STUNT QUEEN RiRi tweeted of The Difficult Brown looking like he passed out while jacking off to Bart Simpson, but there's already enough grossness on the front page, so I thought I'd give you some beauty and glamour for a change.

Your no-no is probably puckering so hard that you're pretty much stuck to your chair and that could only mean one thing: Richard Simmons is here. While on his way to breakfast in Beverly Hills yesterday morning, the gay dandelion, who is solely responsible for keeping L'eggs in business, made the paps get moist by posing for them on the street. The next time you order an iced tea at a restaurant and the server asks you if you want some hummingbird juice with that, just remember that hummingbird juice is what hummingbirds jizz out when they look at Richard Simmons posing for his life.

And the sight of a human rainbow dressed as a butterfly is nothing new to Mariah Carey. This is what she sees every time she has an orgasm.

This is the moment in your life when you realize that New Balance sneakers sort of resemble the hooves of a unicorn that have only touched the rainbow clouds on a Lisa Frank folder. You should write that into your memory journal in glitter pen.

The last time the traffic of breaths running from your mouth to your lungs stopped was when Richard Simmons frolicked on a trail of bedazzled starfruits that fall out of his front b-hole (don't you have one too?) while spreading his genius in Beverly Hills. You immediately printed that picture out on strawberry-scented paper and stuck it to to your inspiration board since Richard is what we should all aspire to be. Well, you've got another to add to the board.

Richard, who is what you get when you feed Billy Crystal sugar-free Jolly Ranchers juice after midnight, stepped out again in L.A. yesterday wearing another Toddlers & Tiaras original and the kind of chunky pearl necklace Fred Flinstone gave to Wilma Flinstone. Yabba Dabba Do is right!

Richard looks like the Tooth Fairy's way more fabulous and glittier second cousin the No-No Fairy who slips a Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD under your pillow every time your no-no puckers. You're going to need a bigger pillow, because I'm sure the sight of these pictures is making you pucker like Renee Zellweger giving a beej to Mr. Lemonhead. I feel like I've been Care Bear Stared!