Liam Neeson

Liam Neeson, father of two teenage boys, tells The Catholic Herald, of course, that modern society is filled with a bunch of fuck-hungry slut whores with dripping genitals (cut to my guiltface) and that the media keeps throwing sex in our faces, which is ruining the specialness of love making. Liam says that kids today can't open their eyes without seeing crotches thrusting on TV and they can't hit play on iTunes without hearing some slut sing about banging. Liam went on to say that the media has to stop being so damn sexy before they completely ruin the magic and wonder of fucking.

“I’d hate to be a kid now, because we’re all inundated with so much information about sexuality coming at us from everywhere – the media, the advertising billboards, just everywhere – and it must be so confusing for them. There’s a problem that, if you become over-familiar with something, it moves from the sacred to almost the profane. The act is very, very special, you know. It’s full of mystery and wonder, and I’d hate us all to get to the stage where we just treat it lightly, because it deserves more than that … but times have changed since I was young, no doubt about it.”

Yes, the media is sex crazed and yes, we're all a bunch of sex crazed horny whores, but you know who's a little to blame for that? LIAM NEESON! Hasn't Liam Neeson seen his own Evian bottle dick in action in Rob Roy? Your part (ten inches, to be exact) is part of the problem, Liam Neeson. And please keep being part of the problem, because your Evian bottle dick needs more screen time.

via The Telegraph

Now you know what Liam Neeson looks like in the morning when his half-naked ass rolls out of bed to take a start of the day caca on his porcelain throne. (Or maybe he's taking a start of the day piss, because he's still too tired in the body to stand. Story of my AM life.)

Liam Neeson knows that one of the best ways to find a cure for breast cancer is to strip down to his pink panties, so that's exactly what he did on Ellen yesterday. Liam took off his pink robe, plumped up his 60-year-old chest cutlets, sat down and waited for an audience member's ball to make it rain all over his body. I'm totally disappointed that Liam didn't do the Flashdance back arch while a tsunami fell on his head. Watch him in action, and yes, I'm pretty sure his toilet at home looks just like that.

And DUH, I'd hit it. Liam supposedly has an Evian bottle dick and I have a recycling dumpster b-hole, so it's a match! My ass will even spit up 5 cents afterward.

via EW

PETA is holding a bucket of red paint with Liam Neeson's name on it, because he admitted that while shooting The Grey, he really got method by slurping on some wolf meat stew. The movie's director Joe Carnahan thought that the cast would really get into their roles as planewrecked oil workers battling against a wolf pack if they digested some wolf meat. Liam went with it and at a press conference for the movie he told us what White Fang tastes like:

"It was very gamey. But I'm Irish, so I'm used to odd stews. I can take it. Just throw a lot of carrots and onions in there and I'll call it dinner."

Note to you hos out there who can't fap unless there's a picture of Liam Neeson in front of you: Just throw a lot of carrots and onions on your genitals, and your fap dreams can come true!

Liam talking about eating wolf meat made its way into the ears of the full-time statement makers at PETA and so they obviously had something to say about it to The Guardian:

"Neeson's stance on kindness to animals is sorely out of step with the rest of the world," said Peta in a statement, insisting that wolves were in fact shy beasts unlikely to target humans rather than the predatory creatures seen in The Grey. The statement added: "Don't just shy away. Run away from The Grey."

Peta also criticised Carnahan for allegedly ordering wolf carcasses from a trapper for use in the film. "Many animals caught in traps chew off their own limbs in order to escape," said spokeswoman Jane Dollinger. "These animals go on to die of gangrene or other secondary infections, sometimes leaving nursing puppies abandoned to fend for themselves."

Wolf carcasses aside, PETA is just being PETA yet again. They've earned so many STUNT QUEEN crowns that they're going to need a wider head to fit them all. Swallowing a glob of wolf meat is wrong, but swallowing a glob of chicken, cow, pig or turkey meat isn't? Besides, how does PETA know that Liam didn't go full method by surviving by himself in the snowy wilderness for weeks and catching wolves to eat with his bare hands, because that's possible. But Liam and Joe should still try to get back in PETA's good graces by pulling the movie from theaters and reshooting it entirely with Shaun Ellis playing every wolf.

And of course, to get into character, Liam's gonna need to eat some Shaun Ellis and I don't mean that in a cannibal kind of way (wink wink). Do they make carrot-flavored lube?