Katie Price announced today that soon she'll birth out the luckiest human alive who gets to call England's national treasure and earth angel Harvey Price its brother, because she's knocked up with her fourth OK! Magazine cover baby. When Katie Price married part-time stripper Kieran Hayler in the Bahamas last month, we all heard the sound of a shotgun going off and figured it was just the sanctity of marriage putting a bullet in its head. But nope, that shotgun went off, because Katie Price had a fetus in her womb when she said "I do" to her future ex-husband. Katie told The Sun today that she and Kieran weren't planning to have a baby together, but sometimes it happens when you and your piece bump crotches bareback-style.
“It’s come as a shock. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous because I’ve experienced miscarriages in the past. But we’re all over the moon. The baby wasn’t part of our plan at this stage but anyone who knows me knows I’m not one for sticking to rules and plans.
I haven’t actually been sick yet but I’m already starting to feel it. I’m having to lie down a fair bit because my stomach feels like a washing machine."
This will be Kieran's first kid (that he knows of) and Katie's fourth. She has two kids, Junior and Princess Tiamamaimaiamiamaimaia, with Peter Andre and she claims that she made Harvey Price with Dwight Yorke, but I'm pretty sure she got pregnant with Harvey via immaculate conception. I read that in the Bible somewhere.
I'm going to choose to ignore that horrific OTM violation and instead congratulate the newest Price. Yes, the newest Price will have a father who will wax its chest and give it a Brazilian when it's 9 months and yes, one of the first things it will smell will be the rancid cat piss scent of his mother's self tanner, but it will have Harvey Price as a brother. And that's the greatest gift of all.
Here's Katie trying to hide her bump while going to dinner with her stripper husband on VD.
Katie Price once again redefined the definition of bridal elegance on Wednesday when she slipped a nip and gave everyone a thigh show after she made part-time stripper Kieran Hayler (or as earth angel Harvey Price probably calls him, "Fuck OFF!") her third husband in the Bahamas. When Katie married Harvey Price's first stepfather Peter Andre, she looked like a pink Barbie cake violently diarrhea'd all over her. When Katie married Harvey's second stepfather, cross-dressing cage fighter Roxy Baby, she did quickie-style in a Las Vegas wedding chapel. And for her third wedding, Katie got married at Sandals in the Bahamas and wore a classic stripper gown while her future ex-husband wore a sensible mother of the bride blouse. The Sun has the pictures and you should brace yourself for the demure classiness that will hit you after you click over.
Katie and part-time stripper Keiran Hayler have been together for about nine seconds and she tells The Sun that she knew he was destined to be her third husband, because a psychic told her that she would marry a man named KEVIN. "Keiran" is practically Irish for "Kevin" and Katie cares about the sanctity of marriage as much as she cares about having dignity, so she figured why not!
“I saw a medium who told me I’d already met the person I was going to marry. She also said his name was Kevin. Well, Kieran has been after me for a year, ever since we were first introduced by our mutual friend Phil Turner — husband of my make-up artist Gary Cockerill (Note: I wish my last name was Cockerill). Apparently, he’d been asking for my mobile number for ages. And his name is also close to Kevin, so it all became clear. I took a friend with me who made notes during the session with the medium because I wanted to make sure I’d heard everything accurately. Yes, I’m following my heart — but I’m not harming anyone. All I can say is there is no Pricey rulebook. If I feel something is right, I’ll do it, even if it comes out of the blue.”
Katie also said that this is ONLY her third marriage, so get off her ass.
“This is only my third marriage. I did my own Pricey Marriage Survey and discovered I was in good company. Joan Collins has been married five times, Liz Taylor did eight and Zsa Zsa Gabor nine. So there! I get stick, but no one has picked on them for all the marriages they’ve had.”
I've always said that a couple that waxes their assholes together, stays together, but I have a feeling that just like a newborn pube sprouting out of Kieran's crotch follicle, Katie's wedding ring will be plucked off and thrown into the trash in about ten minutes.
Harvey Price wasn't at the wedding and I'm not mad at Katie for that. Harvey probably had better things to do like ANYTHING other than going to this wedding. Besides, once you've rolled your eyes at one Katie Price wedding, you've rolled your eyes at every Katie Price wedding.
While some Americans continued to fight with each other on Facebook over this election shit and others earned a date with the FBI by threatening to Lee Harvey Oswald the president, across the pond, the exquisite angel maker (I mean, she did produce earth angel Harvey Price) that is Katie Price united the people of Britain by plumping up her angelic camel toe before putting it on display at the launch of her new lingerie line in London.
Looking like the Frederick's outlet version of Emma Frost, the tarnished rhinestone formerly known as Jordan showed off her new collection of lingerie that's perfect for a third tier stripper who only has a few cum-stained dollars to spend on her work clothes and wants it to show. Katie delivered a journey of elegance that started with the tiara that looks like it was made with balls of aluminum foil and glass from a broken Zima bottle. Then she led us to her chichis which look like two oversized dinosaur eggs shoved into a nest made by a drag queen. And finally, she took us to the garter belt tattoo that is so classy and demure that Queen Elizabeth got the same one on her thigh.
Katie Price usually looks like a plastic duck on the wrong kind of testosterone boosters, but today she looked like the most delicate swan on the lake. I'm sure this is the exact image Tchaikovsky had in his head when he wrote Swan Lake.
During a press conference for her soon-to-be Galaxy National Book Award-winning "novel" In The Name Of Love, Now Magazine asked the pride of Britain Katie Price what is the rudest thing she's ever done in the name of love. If Katie Price wanted to spit out some honesty for the first time in her entire life, she would've said the time she got into a stunt marriage with Alex Reid to fulfill her love for her true soulmate: FAME. But instead, Katie told reporters about the time she Grey Goose'd her cross-dressing, MMA-fighting ex-husband. If you're sucking on the tip of a vodka bottle or having butt sex right now, you might not want to read the rest. Because reading it will ruin both of those acts for you. This is the shit that came out of Katie's mouth when asked about the rudest thing she's done for love:
"I fucked Alex up the arse with a vodka bottle."
Did we not learn anything from 1 Guy, 1 Jar?! Do NOT Google that unless you want your insides to die and fall out of your ass (you could be into that, I don't know).
So Katie basically gave Alex a vodka enema. Big deal. Who hasn't given themselves a vodka enema after they've had their wisdom teeth pulled out and the dentist told them they can't drink booze orally for a few days? We've all done it. If Katie really wanted to tell the reporters some fucked up shit she's done during sex, she should've told them about the time she gave Dane Bowers a pedicure with her twat.
Katie Price's divorce to cross-dressing MMA fighter Roxy Baby isn't finalized yet, but that hasn't stopped her from lining up her next ex-husband. Kim Kardashian has handed the whoopin' stick to Katie Price and now it's her turn once again to beat at the pile of horse bones dust that is the sanctity of marriage. Katie's rep told The Sun yesterday that her Argentine boy piece Leandro Penna pooped the question into her ears on Friday night. Since Katie will only say no to the questions "Your skin is starting to bubble, do you think you should get out of the tanning bed now?" and "Can we fuck without the cameras just this once?", she said YES! It's a wonderful day for Katie's divorce lawyer (he can put a down payment on that country house now) and Thelma Madine (who obviously makes all of Katie's cotton candy queef wedding dresses). Katie's rep had this to say about her latest engagement:
“It’s true — they are engaged. Leandro proposed to Katie while they were away skiing recently — and she said yes. They told her children but had intended to keep it secret for a while. No wedding arrangements have been made and they are both quite relaxed about that for the time being.”
Leandro designed Katie's ring himself with help from her favorite jeweler. Today is the day where you learn that there's a 6-year-old girl trapped inside of Leandro and Katie's favorite jeweler also designs the rings sold in candy machines outside of The Dollar Tree. This tacky mess looks like a dingle pulled off of Parasite Hilton's ass hairs:
I have a feeling that this is going to last longer than Katie's past marriages. Leandro and Katie both barely speak English and they both have exquisite taste in jewelry. They're meant to be. Oh, what am I saying? This shit isn't going to last. Katie has had ass warts that lasted longer than this marriage will last. I just hope that at the wedding, Harvey Price will continue to be the voice of the people by quoting himself while giving a speech at the reception:
I know I pull that clip out of the vault every other damn week, but it's a gem and gems were made to be appreciated at all times. And it best expresses my thoughts about pretty much everything.
The world is about to find out whether or not it has enough supplies of titty gel, rayon hair, pecan skin varnish, Lamisil cream for vaginas and industrial strength antibiotics for two Katie Prices. Because when Katie Price wet humped with reality TV, a throbbing genital wart grew and out popped 19-year-old Amy Willteron! Amy is the winner(?) of Signed By Katie Price and has won a glamour modeling contract as well as learning everything there is to know about building a multimillion pound empire when you've got the talent of a nipple pimple.
Usually when Katie Price takes someone under her wing, they later fall out with full body syphilis and Agent Fake Tan syndrome. But Amy Willerton is safe, because Katie Price only means it figuratively. Amy is Katie's new protégée and she's set to take the glamour modeling world by storm one camel toe flash at a time.
That's nice and everything, but I'm going to tell Amy the same thing I tell the free clinic nurse when he goes down to my down low bits to find out where the hissing sound is coming from: GOOD LUCK and BEA ARTHUR BLESS! Amy will get a two-page spread in Nuts Magazine, a crawl-on role in Katie's next sex tape and that's it. Amy just doesn't have the no-so-secret secret to Katie Price's success. I'm talking about HARVEY!!!!!!
Harvey is who a four leaf clover goes to when it needs good luck. Harvey can make a broken mirror glue itself together. Harvey is really what you find at the end of a rainbow. Katie Price is nothing (stop right there and that would still be a factual statement) without HARVEY!!!!
I know, this is the saddest holiday-themed Tijuana donkey show (without the donkey) any of us have ever seen.
Charles Dickens ("Did sumbody say dick?" - Katie Price) had a good run as the author of the most classic holiday novel of our time, but there's a new literary genius on the stroll with a new classic holiday novel of our time! Katie Price hauled out the holly and burned up the mistletoe in London today when she came out to promote her new book "Santa Baby" and when asked by reporters what it's about, she looked at the reindeer since he had about as much to do with writing the book as she did.
If the Tivo captions of every soft-core Cinemax porn are at the top of your must-read list, then Katie's book is just for you. I've read two of them and it was like reading the transcript of Courtney Stodden's edition of Hooked on Phonics. Katie likes her novels the same way she likes her men: shallow, hallow and filled with only 12 words from the English vocabulary. So, basically, she's like my literary hero.
And that poor, sad reindeer does know that God gave him antlers so he can poke a bitch, right? Nudge..nudge...
Thank God Katie Price is a lie machine wrapped in silicone wrapped in orange wax strips, because if she was really telling the truth when she said she was going to stop pushing her chirruns in front of the cameras, then our retinas would've never been touched by the rays of sunshine that spun out of Harvey Price's smile at a screening of Lion King 3D in London today. Really, if you put a microscope under a sun's ray, the words "IT'S HAAAAARVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!" is the only thing you'd see.
Of course, our Earth Angel Harvey wasn't the only Price child there. Katie brought out Princess Teamoyomama, Junior and two of their little friends. That little boy in the blue is posing so damn hard for the cameras you'd think he a 6-year-old me at a Barbizon audition. Boy Blue is Phoebe Price-ing out of his mind, but Harvey's still got this without even trying. Nice try, Boy Blue, but don't quit your day school.
And it was festive of Katie Price to decorate the top of her head in the theme of the day. Bitch's weave looks like it was dragged across the Serengeti under a wildebeest's hoof after three hyenas tried to mate with it in the swamp.
Threatening UK environmental laws with the twelve layers of ozone layer-burning fake tanner grease on her mannequin skin and the non-biodegradable weave on her head, England's second finest rose (after Jodie Marsh, of course) Katie Price put her Day-Glo coochie and roasted ham titty sacks on display at the launch of her magazine in London today. Yes, Katie Price has her own magazine. It's for you hos out there who want to show people at the checkout counter that you're an ambitious reader who is hoping to eventually work your way up to Highlights Magazine. It's also to show hos that you're okay with a reading a magazine that is made of more natural products than the trick it was named after.
Even though Katie looks like a Dollar General plastic doll after a Butterfinger bukkake, I can't completely cover her with shaded hate. I'm saying that because I'm sure that when she got home today, our angel of angels Harvey Price threw that bitch a "Why is this heffa darker than my ass?" look that just lit the air on fire. That is worth the price of everything.
Since this country doesn't have enough homegrown trash covered in stripper glitter and straightened hair ripped out of a yack, we're importing more from the UK! Katie Price is telling The Sun that she's once again going to lube up her body in brown tinted Trex (that's "Crisco" in British talk) and shove herself down America's wide open throat hoping that we don't vomit her up this time. Katie has already signed a deal with FOX to do a reality show where she'll take a Priscilla, Queen of the Desert-like road trip from New York to Los Angeles.
Yes, I'm sure it'll be just like Priscilla....but without the entertainment, talent, hot outfits and the priceless soundtrack. Basically, it's going to be like one of the oil balls that was spat out of Priscilla's exhaust pipe. Katie put sit like this:
"It's taken nearly a year to set this contract up. We're thinking of doing the road trip from New York to Los Angeles. But I want a big Priscilla-style van. You've got to make it fun. The cameras will be inside the van. That's what we're working on at the moment. I'll be in America in September and they're trying to work out what they want to do. I'm not trying to be famous or massive, I'm just doing what I want to do."
"I'm not trying to be famous," said an extremely humble Katie as her legs were wrapped around a spotlight and the room started to smell like burnt labia hair.
I know that most of the UK is praying that Katie's bus will take a wrong turn into a strict Amish compound where they will mistake her for a hochmootich scarecrow riding in a gay steel dragon and burn her at the stake. But I'm keeping it simple and praying that Katie brings HAAAAAAAAAAARVEY (who will obviously be spared by the Amish because he's an angel).