Casey Anthony

The Today Show this morning aired a video of who they've confirmed as the pride of Florida Waste Management, Casey Anthony, speaking into the webcam of her new computer about her life now and how she wants to start getting used to talking in front of a camera. That last part is Casey's way of saying, "I'm ready, Jerry Springer, and bring a blank check." While looking like Kate Gosselin's old possum hair shit all over her head, Casey talks into the camera and doesn't mention Caylee's name once, but does say that she's adopted a puppy and lets out more "me-es" than Kanye during a Twitter rant.

Casey shot this gross mess back in October and nobody knows how it somehow magically ended up splattered all over the Internet (SPOILER ALERT: The bitch leaked it herself). It's also not known where she shot this shit. To me, it looks like Casey's inside of a mobile office trailer on a construction site. Yes, I've been in plenty of mobile office trailers so I know what they look like. You can read all about it when I put out my first book: The Places Craigslist's Casual Encounters Section Has Taken Me.

But more importantly, WHO IN LUCIFER'S REACH HELL GAVE CASEY ANTHONY A PUPPY DOG?! Does Michael Vick have an underground dog adoption agency we don't know of?

Facing a lynch mob of hos who really need to take a sign making class from Miss Calm Down Dee, Casey Anthony did the free bitch stroll out of a Florida jail house a little after midnight this morning. Casey and her lawyer Jose Baez got into an SUV and drove to the nearest movie theater showing Sarah Palin's documentary The Undefeated since even the crazies who are out for her head won't dare step in there. No, TMZ reports that the twinkle in Nancy Grace's eye is putting the HO in Ohio this morning. It's reported that a private plane carrying Crazey Anthony landed in Columbus, Ohio a few hours ago.

The best part of Casey's walk of no-shame out of jail is the sound of all her witch hunters screaming out boos, because I'm sure that's the same sound Nancy Grace hears when she walks into her twins' nursery in the morning.

I don't know why Casey wanted to get out of prison so badly. The crazy bitch had it made in there. Dumb fucktards sent her money and I doubt anybody screwed with her out of fear that her application for a job at the prison nursery would eventually get accepted. The media is going to find out where she's living and once that happens a steaming pile of hot shit will never leave her front lawn (aka Nancy Grace will permanently relocate her show to Casey's front lawn). Bitch is fucked.

Speaking of fucked bitches, is it just me or would you not be surprised if Casey pops out a smug-faced Baez Baby in nine months. Seriously, the look on both of their faces as they walked to the SUV is the same "I'm gonna git some face" I make when I get an e-mail saying that my membership to Corbin Fisher has been renewed. No, I'm totally wrong. Obviously, Casey's first post-jail romantic moment will be on an episode of Blind Date with Joran van der Sloot.

Casey Anthony is locked up in jail until this Sunday, but the voices inside Shireen Nalley's head didn't let her in on that little fact. News9.com reports that rage and revenge took over Shireen's crazy gene when she walked into a convenience store in Chouteau, Oklahoma on Friday night and spotted Sammay Blackwell working behind the counter. Police say that Shireen thought she was looking into the murderous eyes of an acquitted baby murderer. Shireen paid for her gas and calmly walked out. Sammay got a weird vibe from Shireen but didn't think anything of it. Insert Suspense Cat here.

After Sammay's shift ended, she got into her car and was about to make her way home to her daughter named (insert Suspense Cat: The Sequel here) CAYLEE! (Do not whisper that piece of information to any of Shireen's personalities.) When Sammay turned her head to back out, she saw the crazy burning white fire into Shireen's eyes. Sammay backed out and drove away, but Shireen wasn't going to let "Casey Anthony" off that easy. Shireen rammed her car into Sammay's truck causing it to flip over two and a half times. Sammay played dead in her truck until the police showed up.

The police think Shireen was high on the bad shit and one officer claims that she said she hit Sammay's truck to "save the children" and stop "the killing of babies." Sammay believes that Shireen thought she was Casey Anthony.

Shireen was charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon, leaving the scene of a vehicle collision, resisting arrest, reckless driving and for believing that all white people look the same.

First of all, Sammay is a really hot name and that's what I'd name my next dog if I wasn't afraid that Shireen would run over it with her car. Second of all, my nutsack looks more like Casey Anthony than Sammay does. Third of all, Giada DeWhatever better change her face STAT because it looks more and more likely that Casey Anthony will go under the knife to look like her.

Fourth of all, I didn't think I'd ever say this to a black woman ever, but I'm mistaking Shireen for Nancy Grace right about now. Yes, Shireen sort of looks like Kyle Massey, but her Nancy Grace gene is the dominant one.

via Slate

Casey Anthony will skip out into the world tomorrow and it pretty much goes without saying that her head is wanted on a plate. Specifically, a paper plate sitting on Nancy Grace's desk that has the words "RESERVED FOR CASEY ANTHONY'S HEAD" written in the blood that drips out of Nancy's hair whenever she thinks about the Tot Mom verdict. Because of this, some say that Casey is considering changing her name (Might I suggest Grace Nancy?) and getting an Extreme Makeover (Child Killer Edition) so that a mob doesn't lynch her face off every time she steps out to serve chloroform-tinis at her strip club waitress job.

Radar and Star are way ahead of Casey and they put together this priceless composite of what she might look like if she tried to nip and tuck the Alanis Morissette right off her face.

After hours upon hours of Radar's interns downloading a bootleg copy of Photoshop with most of the tools missing, they spent about 2 quick seconds coming up with this masterpiece! So now you know to keep your toddlers, duct tape supply and chloroform stash away from a Sim with Giada Laurentiis face and modern day Kimmy Gibbler hair. You've been warned.

Nancy Grace is the only maniacal Botox beast crazy enough to bite through Casey Anthony's chloroform-stained fingers and rip the smug smile off her face, so she should get the first interview but we all know the chances of that happening are about as slim as Jose Baez's testicles after he victoriously fapped himself dry over the verdict. But since Nancy isn't going to get the first interview, it should naturally go to Jerry Springer! Jerry knows this and so he has offered Casey Anthony and her family $1 million to spend 1 hour on his stage.

A source type tells Star Magazine (via Radar) that Jerry is trying to solidify himself as the master barker of the trash heap carnival by trying to book Casey, and apparently, she's interested! The source said, “The offer was made to Casey’s defense team Friday. They are interested. The show would get huge ratings. The family will be presented with the offer shortly.”

Part of Casey's defense was that she's permanently damaged because her father allegedly child touched her and her ex-fiance said her family is a mound bat dingles wrapped in dysfunction, so Jerry would like to get them all together on his stage!

This just seems like the most fitting finale to the bubonic plague that is the Casey Anthony story. The final shot of the Casey Anthony mini-series (starring Dobby in a wig) should be of a metal folding chair flying towards her as she stands barefoot on Jerry Springer's stage with a torn house dress, chunks of hair missing from her scalp and Stove Top Stuffing smeared all over her face. Basically, it should look like this.

The thorn in Nancy Grace's Botoxed hair helmet was sentenced to 4 years in the chokey this morning for telling lies to the police about the disappearance of her 2-year-old daughter Caylee. But bitch will go from behind bars to dancing topless on top of a bar by the end of the summer!

Even though Judge Belvin Perry, Jr., who talks so slow that I was done emptying a cup full of dried molasses onto a table before he spit out 4 words, gave Casey Anthony a year for every count she was found guilty of, she will be given credit for the three years she's already served. CNN reports that the judge, the prosecutors and Casey's lawyers are currently working with the corrections department to figure out the exact number of days she's served. It's looking likely that she'll be doing the celebratory Girls Gone Wild tit flash outside of the jail gates by the end of this month or early next month.

Casey Anthony really had it in her head that she was getting out today, right? Bitch was ready to go. Just look at that subtle Wino party hive on her head and that Tommy Girl sweater that's easy to yank off as she goes in for her fourth morning mudslide at T.G.I. Friday's. Bitch has even got her thumbs out like she's ready to scoop out the last bits of a Jell-O shot from a plastic cup. Oh, well. I guess that multi-million dollar book deal, truTV dating show and paid endorsements from Disney World (take that, Universal Studios) will have to wait. Hey, don't judge Casey! Bitch has got $4,000 worth of court fines to pay. It's not like she can chloroform those fines and hide them in the swamp.

UPDATE: Bitch will be out on Wednesday.