This mug shot of Amanda Bynes with her hair the color of first time butt sex discharge was taken after she was arrested for allegedly sideswiping a cop car while driving under the influence, but her daddy says this isn't so. Putting his certificate from White Oprah's Night School of Enabling to good use, Rick Bynes (let's call him, White Montel) tells People that Amanda couldn't have been drunk on the night she was arrested, because her tongue touching booze is as foreign to her as working is. Rick says that Amanda blew a zero on the Breathalyzer and claims that the cop brought her in because she was emotional. "Miss, your ass is under arrest for driving under the influence of your own emotions!" Rick explained it like this to People:
"She was not drunk. I was told that she blew a zero on the Breathalyzer. She didn't have a single drink that night. My daughter doesn't drink. She was arrested because she was upset and very emotional.
She is a good girl. She just chooses not to work, and because of that, people go after her."
Rick Bynes is obviously standing by his daughter and I'm sure Amanda told him that reading an intense psalm at bible study class, where she was coming from that night, rocked her dizzy and caused her to clip a cop car. But I have a bag of exotic tanned coke (it's brown sugar) to sell him if he actually believes this shit. Ho was twisted up on something and she went back for more.
TMZ says that less than 12 hours after she was released from the clink, Amanda went back to the bar at The Standard, the same place she boozed up at the night before. The Standard knew about her DUI arrest and denied her ass. They told that bitch to pivot and go, because they didn't want to be "associated with her in case she pulled a repeat performance."
Why was Amanda trying to go to the same bar, anyway? Did she think she was going to waltz in and the bartenders would cheer for her triumphant return as the regulars toasted to her first DUI? That shit ain't Cheers, bitch! That right there is called hitting rock Lohan.
Speaking of, Lindsay Lohan wasn't at The Standard on Thursday night, but Amanda Bynes was.... The plot thickens!
Jenna Jameson needs to flip off whoever is responsible for making her look like a melting Donatella Versace candle with caca stain brows - Hollywood Tuna
How many college credits do I get for reading Ashley Judd's essay on why women shouldn't hate other women's faces? - Lainey Gossip
But more importantly, Kate McKinnon does Tabatha better than Tabatha does - Towleroad
Somebody's still butt hurt and I'm not talking about the anal warts he caught from Bombshell McGee - Celebitchy
Keeping Up with the Kuntrashians just became even more unwatchable, believe it or not - The Superficial
Miley Cyrus and the paparazzi should just fuck already and get it over with, because the sexual tension between them is getting annoying - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
A deer dressed as a bunny in the headlights - Popoholic
I hope that Blue Ivy doll is waterproof - Popsugar
Dodge Ram, my ass. You know JLo bought Casper Smart a Tonka - ICYDK
"Get me those!" - Lindsay Lohan - The Berry
This is also what it looks like when John Travolta lets out a slow, sporadic fart - Videogum
Four words: HELL. TO. THA. NO. - The Daily What Gossip
I'd rather see bikini pictures of Coach Beiste in Tijuana, but I guess I'll take Rachel Dingleberry in Cabo - Just Jared
Gabrielle Union on being a home wrecker - Crunk + Disorderly
It's all awww and games until in a few years that PUPPY is a dog whose got a craving for chicken blood! - OMG Blog
The Hoff ain't got shit on these life savers - Cityrag
That hot pink color really brings out the fake in JLove's skin - Hollywood Rag
Aren't all chipmunks on gluten-free diets, anyway? - I'm Not Obsessed
If they were on a singing competition show, you would call them a Male Vocal Group. We prefer the term Boy Band. The group’s image determines their commercial success, and each member of the group is assigned a particular stereotype (such as The Bad Boy or The Baby or The Nice One) so that the band will have the widest possible appeal.
There is a Boy Band consisting of beautiful young men that currently has young girls across the country screaming with admiration and desire. Their public image is wholesome. However, there’s a lot going on behind the scenes that belies that image.
For example, there’s one member of the group whose moniker could be The Gay One. That’s right. Your teen daughter may be swooning right now over someone who isn’t even interested in her gender.
Oh, and there’s another member of the group who wouldn’t be interested in your daughter. His moniker could be… The Other Gay One.
Yes, that’s right, two gay young men in one popular group. (Although one does have a beard to maintain that desirable image). And here’s the most interesting part of all: the two boys are sleeping with each other.
Don’t tell your teen daughter. You don’t want her up all night crying because her mean parent destroyed her illusion. Besides, you eventually got over The Osmonds/ Menudo/ The Backstreet Boys, didn’t you? (Blind Gossip)
The only thing keeping One Direction from reaching New Kids level of craziness is a "gallon of jizz pumped from stomach" rumor and it looks like we're getting one load closer to that. I'll say that this blind item is specifically talking about the one with hair like a beautiful 20s flapper girl and his best brofriend whose name I'm too lazy to Google. Oh fuckit, I'll just let this picture do the guessing for me.
Which D-list actor shocked a roomful of strangers when he announced he had to have his hemorrhoids surgically removed? The 30-something star, who’s more famous for his quickie marriage to a D-list TV actress and being the son of a Hollywood playboy, didn’t get the reaction he was looking for because no one recognized him! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Ashley Hamilton, but was he married to somebody else besides Brenda Walsh, because I know a bitch isn't stamping her with the D-list label.
These two costars from a hit network television are both closeted, but very much in love. They have not acted on their feelings, but spend all of their time together. Last week, one star told the other he was willing to risk everything to come out together as a couple. As a result of this confession, the other star has broken off the relationship and refuses to acknowledge or spend any more time with the man he is in love with. Both men are heartbroken. (BuzzFoto)
Adam Levine and Blake Shelton, obviously.
Justin Bieber can stop sharpening his pacifier into a shank, because I didn't mean it like that.
While still in PopoZao drag for that Spring Breakers movie, James Franco serenades you with a Selena Gomez song. Bitch gets into this shit. Why do I have a feeling that James Franco singing a Selena Gomez song while stoned into a next dimension looks exactly like James Franco eating an ice cream cone while having a constipated moment on the toilet?
Posh (seen here looking like an extraterrestrial Ruth Bader Ginsburg), David Beckham and their chirruns all spent the holiday weekend with testicle-faced Gordon Ramsay, and if UsWeekly is telling the truth, she probably only nibbled on plain Easter basket grass at dinner. A source tells UsWeekly that on more than one occasion, Posh has only ordered the guinea pig special at restaurants. One source said that at Il Pastaio in Beverly Hills last month, Posh only ate arugula with no dressing. Yes, Posh is that ho saying she's full after sucking down a blade of dry grass while you're sitting there chewing on a delicious piece of steak fat like it's bubble gum. (You really haven't had a delicious meal until you've tried to blow a steak fat bubble.)
Why does Posh even bother going to restaurants if she's just going to chew on greenery? The only reason to go to a restaurant is to eat delicious foods you can't order from takeout. The rest of the experience sucks. You have to put on pants and listen to strangers at the next table talk about their lives. Posh should've just stayed home and licked on the fern in her front yard.
Posh said recently that she doesn't have an eating disorder and I don't think this story proves that she's telling lies. However, I do think this story proves my suspicions that she's a fucking bunny rabbit. I bet her poops roll.
And thanks to that picture, your lunch is now out of your stomach.
The City of Dallas has just announced to its residents that it's safe to let their small dogs play in the backyard again, because the threat of Khloe Kardashian pouncing down from the trees to eat them is no more! Khloe and Lamar Odom are packing up their industrial-strength fuck swings and going back to the Karkrashian family whore headquarters in Kalifornia now that he's no longer a part of the Dallas Mavericks. After weeks of back and forth, Lamar and the Mavericks finally broke up, and he confirmed it with this statement to ESPN (via Radar):
"The Mavericks and I have mutually agreed that it's in the best interest of both parties for me to step away from the team. I'm sorry that things didn't work out better for both of us, but I wish the Mavs' organization, my teammates and Dallas fans nothing but continued success in the defense of their championship."
Radar says that this season was Lamar's worst in his entire career and that means that the KARDASHIAN KURSE is growing stronger! Lamar was dropped by the Lakers, thrown to the side by the Mavericks and you can blame it all on the Kuntrashians. When Pimp Mama Kris is done sucking every drop of energy from Lamar, he'll be lucky to get a third string position on the Chernobyl Cyclopses. Lamar needs to ruuuuuuuuuun while he still can, because right now this is his future:
I repeat. THIS is Lamar's future:
Shit stirrer Lana Del Rey left Chateau Marmont the other night with Axl Rose and some think that maybe she's using her signature collagen noodle lips to blow raspberries on his pasty fupa. DJ Ashba of Guns 'n Roses shook his head no to that possibility, but this makes sense since Lana Del Taco has a song called "Axl Rose Husband" and probably has a replica of Stephanie Seymour's really hot November Rain wedding dress hanging in her altar devoted to all things AXL!
If Lana is humping on Axl, then she's a hardcore groupie who is serious about her obsession with his ass. I mean, Axl of the 80s, we'd all hit it. Axl of the 90s, some of us would hit it. Axl of today, I'm the only one (besides Lana's dedicated ass) who would hit it since I'd also hit a bloated middle-aged ticket taker at a third-tier motorcycle show who gets his plastic surgery at the same place he takes his Winnebago for an oil and filter change (which is kind of what Axl looks like).
Lana has gone from Marilyn Manson to Axl Rose, so I wonder who's gonna get Lana Del Laid next? I'm going with the Baha Men or Gerardo.
For once, the "dumb bitch" tag doesn't only apply to a Lohan in this post.
Some woman filed a police report in West Hollywood over the weekend claiming that she's the latest victim to feel the coke-infused wrath of the freckled terror, because she says Lindsay Lohan went after her at The Standard hotel on Thursday night. The woman says she was talking to one of LiLo's dude friends, and LiLo didn't like it so she started shoving and pushing at her ass. Ho says that she's got bruises on her back to prove she was pushed. When TMZ ran this story yesterday, they asked LiLo's spokeswhore for a comment, and of course he gave them a river of denial that only flows out of White Oprah's ass:
"Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame."
Then LiLo later told TMZ that it was impossible for her to push a trick at a club since she was at home watching episodes of Homeland that night.
There are two sides to every story and LiLo has already snorted both of those sides up, so I don't know who to believe. If security footage came out clearly showing LiLo at The Standard, she'd still say, "It wasn't me! It was Axl Rose! Bitches get us confused a lot!," so you can't trust anything that pours of her mouth. That said, there's a history of hos trying to scam the scammer of all scammers, so this supposed victim could be making it all up hoping to get a check.
If LiLo is lying, then that woman learned the hard way to never mess with one of LiLo's johns unless you're okay with scrubbing out coke residue and fake tan grease from the back of your dress after she pushes you out of the way. If the woman is lying, then I am so mad at her for making me side with a Lohan. (Although, the Lohans do have better party favors on their side.)
If Anne Hathaway doesn't hear her name after the words "...and the Oscar goes to" at the Academy Awards next year, she's going to snatch away fellow nominee (for Nurse 3D, obviously) Spaz de la Huerta's flask, soak the aisles with booze, pull a spark-inducing ginger hair out of seat filler Phoebe Price's head, drop it to the ground and burn that bitch down! Because Anne Hathaway is working hard to get her hands around that gold-plated dildo man and hos better recognize.
Anne is already eating nothing but dry apple seeds and filtered wind to look like a frail, sick, pussy peddler and now she's taken a pair of scissors to her luscious mane of brown locks. Looking about as embarrassed as me when I downloaded One Direction's album on Sunday morning, Anne left The Box (too easy) in London on Sunday morning with her hands covering her new Winona haircut. Anne chopped her hair off, because the character she plays in the Les Miserables movie sells her hair to Mama Tina Knowles to buy medicine or some shit.
Anne did it for a role, so I can't fault her ass for that mess of a haircut. There's short haircuts and then there's haircuts a mom frantically gives her 6-year-old son after he comes home from school with a new case of lice. (Seriously, my little cousin once showed up to a family party with a nearly bald head and was like, "My mom gave me an army cut!" No, bitch, your mom gave you a 'this little brat got lice and I'm too cheap to buy RID' cut.) Anne's haircut falls into the latter category.
When Anne is done with Les Miz, she can easily star in Press Play on iTunes: The Samantha Ronson Story.
Little Bunny Foo Foo
Hopping through the forest
Picked up by the po-po
Shuffled off to jail. - Skinnymalinky
Suri backed out of her first modeling job when she found out she could not wear heels. Tommy Girl filled in. - OurMissC
Doug Hutchinson already auditioning the Courtney Stodden replacements. - ChubbyWubby
via College Humor