Lisa Robin Kelly, better known as Laurie #1 on That '70s Show, found her ratty tatty ass in front of a mug shot camera yet again after she allegedly Ike Turnered her man. TMZ says that the L.A. County Sheriff's Department arrested Lisa Robin at around 12:50 this morning for felony spousal abuse. Lisa Robin is currently sitting in a jail cell and waiting for someone, anyone (I'm looking at you, Eric) to pay her $50,000 bail.
Lisa Robin Kelly is (allegedly) in the wrong for (allegedly) scrappin' on her man, but the cops should be charged with cruel and unusual punishment for putting ole' girl in front of a mug shot camera with her brows telling conflicting stories. Lisa's right brow is saying "GUILTY!!" and her left brow is saying "NOT GUILTY!!!" Or maybe her left brow is saying, "Help me! Half of me was blown up in a meth lab explosion and I'm afraid she's going to finish me off!" I have a hard time reading brows in distress.
Yes, even if they allowed Lisa Robin to restore her left brow, she'd still look like Smeagol Goldie Hawn (or the meth baby of Rodney Dangerfield and Nicole Richie), but they should've given her a chance. It's hard to put your best mug shot beauty face forward when your left brow looks like a literal poop noodle. This is why every earthquake kit, First Aid kit and emergency kit should have a brow pencil in it. Brows are not a privilege, they're a right! Shame on the LAPD for doing this to a ho.
I don't know if I want this story about Sarah Palin co-hosting Today on Tuesday to be a tardy-to-the-party April Fool's joke or if I want it be a truth! I'm more than leaning toward the latter, because this could be foolery wrapped in magic wrapped in the spit that will fly out of my mouth while laughing at Joel McHale shading this on The Soup. They should just put Sarah Palin, Kathie Lee Gifford and a box of wine in a studio together and give us enough time to put on a yellow plastic poncho to protect us from all the fuckery that will fly through the screen. TRUE: I hope this comes!
Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night's Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl's Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy's panties!
Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I'd wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that's what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.
But Taylor wasn't the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):
I don't know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.
In case you haven't noticed by the dozens of "I'M PREGGERZ! ....AYPROOL FULLZ!!1!!#!!" statuses clogging up your Facebook feed, today is International Sike Day and so I'm looking at everything with an extra squinty side eye, especially after I tried to order Hungry Hungry Hippo for iPad. So when I heard a voicemail at Deadline of Chevy Chase mouth shitting out a fuck-ridden rant at Dan Harmon, I thought it was suspect at first. But then I remembered one very important thing: Chevy Chase is an asshole so it has to be real life!
Deadline and Reddit have both been following Chevy's feud with Community's creator Dan Harmon, which started when Clark Griswold had a diva meltdown during the last day of filming and stormed off of the set. At the wrap party, Dan got back at Chevy by giving a "Fuck You" speech and encouraged the entire cast and crew to chant "Fuck you, Chevy!" Chevy, who was there with his wife and daughter, once again, threw his silk scarf over his shoulder, arched his back and sashayed out of the party like a true diva queen!
Chevy later left Dan that voicemail (click here to hear it) where he said that he only stormed off of the set because he didn't get his script beforehand. Chevy then slightly tickled the edges of my bitch gene by telling Dan to "suck his cock" several times. Sources tell Deadline that Chevy has stormed off the set several times during shooting and they wouldn't be surprised if his character is written out of the show next season.
I don't watch Community (I know, I know), but I would watch a show where Chevy Chase STORMS off of the set over and over again. I love it when a mad ho STORMS out of anywhere. Chevy is known for being as pleasant as a urethra wart and he tried it with that voicemail, but he's going to need to come harder if he wants to win this bitch fight. Dan Harmon gets all the points for chanting "Fuck you, Chevy" in front of Chevy's family. That is the kind of cunt move that brings a tear to my eye.
Petunia Pig - Long before Posh Beckham was the sexiest pig in the pen, there was Porky Pig's main honey-glazed piece Petunia Pig! Many have tried and all have failed to replicate Petunia Pig's signature piping hot come hither (or maybe she's just always honey baked as all hell) look that can turn pig peens into bacon and pig no-nos into sausage donuts. Petunia first started making Porky's tail curl something extra in the 1930s when she was bald-headed and had inflamed testicle cheeks. Years later, Petunia updated her look with a black weave, but one thing has always stayed the same: bitch knows how to keep a man oinking for more. Watch and learn:
Petunia's long-lost, separated-at-the-pen sister Khloe Kardashian ain't got shit on her!
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