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Hazmat vans are patrolling the streets and the CDC has warned everyone to keep their genitals inside, because when Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D break up, the diseased trash is no longer contained and will spread. Cherubs have retired their arrows forever and seagulls are having a sad since their favorite couple to pick trash off of have ended their engagement after only humping the scab-covered smugness out of each other for less than a year. What I'm trying to say here is, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SANDRA!

Kat Von D was supposed to start the journey in becoming Vanilla Gorilla's fourth ex-wife in a pre-divorce ceremony this summer, but he says it's not going to happen. Kat Von D will not become the fourth ho who VG fucks over by fucking anything with a tattooed labia. With VG living in Austin and Kat Von D living in L.A., their TRUE LOVE just couldn't withstand the distance. VG tells People:

"I'm so sad because I really love her. The distance between us was just too much."

And Kat Von D who collects a check for vomiting out her private shit on basic cable, asked everyone to respect her privacy.

"I am no longer w Jesse, and out of respect for him, his family and myself, thats all the info I'd like to share. Thanks for respecting that."

"That's all the info I'd like to share"? Why didn't this busted wig-wearing skeezer make that vow a couple of months ago before she started going on about how Vanilla Gorilla is THE ONE and her TRUE SOULMATE who will be with her forever? Now the bitch wants to shut her mouth?

It's sort of poetic that Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla are coincidentally announcing this shit just a couple of days before the new season of L.A. Ink premieres. And in all the previews, Kat Von D goes on about how it's true love this time and she doesn't care what anybody thinks. I hope the producers have enough time to add a laugh track to that episode.

Oh here go whale come. - fosho

Runners-up:

The Kardassians Go Green: Kris is now renting Khloe out as an algae-eater. - howdareyou

Mouth wide open, chasing a man from behind, yes that is clearly a LANCE Bass........ - fleawatch

Looks like Rachel Uchitel has finished blowing everything on dry land. - becky n sydney

Source: Mauricio Handler/Handlerphoto.com via Solent News & Photo Agency (Thanks Amanda)

Entenmann's Glazed Holes - Because no matter how your night ends, you can always count on a box of glazed holes to be there for you in a fluorescent lit supermarket aisle. May the price of glazed holes never be affected by inflation. (Never mind that they look more like crusty balls.)

(For Tracy)

Taylor Momsen (18)
Tamyra Gray (32)
Kate Beckinsale (38)
Chris Harrison (40)
Jeremy Piven (46)
Sandra Bullock (47)
Kevin Spacey (52)
Dorothy Hamill (55)
Roger Taylor of Queen (62)
Helen Mirren (66)
Mick Jagger (68)
Darlene Love (70)
Joe Jackson (82)