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Yeah, yeah, I know that when the words "John, Travolta, gay, and sex" are thrown into the same sentence the word "scandal" does not apply at all, but I needed for it for theatrical purposes so go with it. The National Enquirer brings us this shocking tale that will make you drop the lube bottle (not really). An author who goes by the name of Robert Randolph is about to release a book about the "underground secret world of celebrity gay spa sex" in Hollywood. Fuck The A-List, this shit right here should be a reality show.

Robert is planning to name names, but the first one he has spat up is probably the least shocking of them all. Robert tells the Enquirer that he has witnessed John Travolta humping on several different dudes at several different spas in L.A.

The last time Robert caught John with his tongue in the culo jar was this past October. Robert is now legally blind. No. But Robert did say that John has offered up his succulent nipple to suckle on several times. Robert said, "I met John in 1998, after he had married Kelly. I believe the marriage is a total fraud because John is totally into guys and has been having sex with them behind Kelly's back for years. He came on to me a number of times. I always turned him down. But there was always some guy who was willing to have sex with him. And John didn't stop cheating on Kelly after either of their children was born. John's a cheating dog. It's just been wrong, because his wife seems like such a sweet woman."

Robert, who passed a lie detector test for his interview with the Enquirer, also said that John's "secret gay life is one of Hollywood's worst kept secrets. He blatantly cruises guys, and doesn't seem to care who sees him. I saw him with his lover and he couldn't get enough. John should come out of the closet already and stop living a lie. His wife Kelly deserves so much better."

My guess is that John has come home with man pubes in his teeth for years, so I'm sure Kelly knows all about it. I mean, why do you think John spend hours in the Scientology sauna "purifying his soul." More like peenifying his hole. This is not news to many, so I doubt it's news to Kelly. Whatever works for them.

And I wish I could purify the image in my head of John with his tongue in the culo jar. Why do I do this to myself?

Matthew McConaughey's natural scent of fermented armpit jelly, patchouli oil, weed smoke, taint fromage and sweat can never be masked, so I'm not sure why Dolce & Gabbana asked him to be the face of their new cologne. But they kept the fuckery going by using the "THINNING CURSE" tool on his head before cutting and pasting it onto the body of a svelte dandy with delicate hands that only touch silk. I mean, like Matthew's real arms are even long enough for him to touch his neck anyways. Bitch please!

The pose is way too "grab my smelling salts" for Matthew to pull off. Was Chace Crawford not available?

via ONTD

Because I love it when old ass bitches talk about smacking young tricks who deserve it, here's a quote from 84-year-old Jerry Lewis that made me smile as though he was serenading me on his telethon. Jerry tells Inside Edition what he thinks Lindsay Lohan needs:

“I would smack her in the mouth if I saw her…I would say, ‘You deserve this and nothing else – whack!’ And then if she’s not satisfied, I’d put her over my knee and spank her. The same thing with Paris Hilton – those children are begging for help. What they’re doing is saying…‘Can you please help me?’ When people who have celebrity give nothing in return, they need a spanking and a reprimand.”

And you'll hold Parasite Hilton's purse while Jerry makes her crabs fly by slapping her ass. Actually, I'll hold it because she's got the good stuff in there.

Two years ago a woman named Kristi Hobson admitted to the public through InTouch that in 1995 Michael Lohan grunted on top of her and squirted man chowder into her vag which made a baby girl she named Ashley. The answer to the question "Who besides White Oprah actually says out loud that they fucked Michael Lohan?" had been answered. But Michael Lohan made Maury's ears itch when he said he was not the father. Kristi immediately took Michael to court to force him to take a DNA test. Flash forward to 2 years later....

In this week's Life & Style (with the battle for adorable mini Ken Doll on the cover), Kristi says that Michael never jizzed into a cup to test his DNA. No, it wasn't because they couldn't find a cup that was willing to do this. It didn't happen because Michael never showed up. So a judge declared that Michael Lohan is Ashley's father and his name was added to her birth certificate. Kristi now wants $300,000 in back child support. Kristi must be new here, because I'm pretty sure Michael Lohan's checking account is as empty as the space between White Oprah's nostrils.

Michael says that he is fighting Kristi and will take a DNA test.

Ashley says that even though her mother fought to get Michael Lohan's name on her birth papers, she's never going to think of him as a father, "I do not trust him, and I don't want to be around him or part of his life. I could never call Michael Lohan 'Dad.' A dad is a person who is there for you and takes care of you."

Let's say that for whatever reason (temporary insanity or taking too much acid) you got knocked up with Michael Lohan's spawn. Wouldn't you immediately run out and marry ANYBODY and trick him into thinking the kid is his so the truth will never be revealed. And I mean ANYBODY: a homeless junkie psychic, Gallagher, Carrie the Dancing Dog, etc.. This is what a normal person would do.

And if your mother told you that Michael Lohan is your father, wouldn't you plug your ears with your finger tips and scream the loudest LALALALALA ever. Better yet, wouldn't you get ANY vampire to glamour this information from your head? And I mean ANY VAMPIRE: Count Chocula, Grandpa Munster, etc... This is what a normal person would do.

So Ashley must be a Lohan if she's talking shit about her father in the pages of a tabloid. The famewhore gene is alive and well! There's the DNA results.

And here's Ashley's supposed half-sister going to court in Santa Monica this morning.

Demi Moore is an 18-year-old MySpace slut circa 2002 trapped in a 47-year-old body (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Cee-Lo had my money at FUCK YOU - Necole Bitchie

Ashton Kutcher's response to Star Magazine that he fucked around on Demi - SOW

Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy from Muse are still together - Lainey Gossip

Pushed up titty globes aside, what in Addicted to Love jumpsuit hell is Blake Lively wearing? - Egotastic!

Teresa Giudice on how she blew $11 million. That poor $11 million - Celebitchy

But did Kellan Lutz say this with shirt on or off, because that makes a difference - Towleroad

The Wynn has the right idea - The Superficial

Heidi Montag looks human - Hollywood Tuna

The Alaskan teenager who is famous for doing the horizontal waltz with another teenager and making a baby together is modest now- Just Jared

Leah Michele pretty much pantless in Glamour - The Berry

Justin Timberlake with a handful of Kunis pit - Popoholic

A Channing Tatum wet t-shirt contest! Not as hot as it sounds - Popsugar

Wait, what's the name of Conan's show again? I was too hypnotized by those window eyes on the wall - I'm Not Obsessed

The Statue of Cacatry on V Magazine - ICYDK

Amber Rose upstaged by a horse's ass (not Kanye) - Hollywood Rag

Megan Fox says the Olsens were socially awkward - Cityrag

Your eye balls are probably already glued to the TV or some kind of internet feed about what's going down at the Discovery Channel HQ in Silver Springs, Maryland right now. But in case it's not, I'll give to you a fast. An Asian man (not Jon Gosselin) broke into the Discovery Channel building this afternoon with a gun in his hand. There are unconfirmed reports that he fired shots in the building and has a bag full of explosives on his back. The building has been evacuated and the gunman is holding a few people hostage (I think). The police are negotiating crazy right now.

Several local news stations have ID'ed the hostage taker as James Jay Lee. James Jay Lee is a known radical environmentalist who has been protesting against Discovery for years. He was arrested two years ago for staging a long protest against Discovery. There's an entire website with his alleged demands. The crazy didn't beef up his server before this shit went down, so his site really isn't working for most (UPDATE: HuffPo has all 11 of his demands from his 2008 protest. He hates babies and war. But he loves sharks and squirrels). But here's a piece:

All programs on Discovery Health-TLC must stop encouraging the birth of any more parasitic human infants and the false heroics behind those actions. In those programs' places, programs encouraging human sterilization and infertility must be pushed. All former pro-birth programs must now push in the direction of stopping human birth, not encouraging it.

No comment.

UPDATE: The 3 hostages are safe. James Jay Lee was shot by the cops and taken into custody. They wouldn't say if he's alive or not. The cops are searching the building for more explosives. Mike Rowe is safe and sound, because I know you were wondering about this...mom.

UPDATE II: James Jay Lee died after getting shot by the cops.

The name Sydney Dalton was a trending topic on Twitter yesterday because of a YouTube video she uploaded of her and two friends committing a Justin Bieber poster MASSACRE! BIEBERCIDE! And with that, Sydney Dalton became every Justin Bieber fan's greatest enemy (next to a Flowbee). As Sydney ripped up Justin's face, his fans cried hurtful tears which evaporated into their skin and turned into RAGE as it entered their bloodstream. And they blew out their rage on Sydney all over YouTube.

You know how an army of Beliebers risked spending the rest of their lives in a prison playpen by threatening to murder Kim Kardashian? They did the same thing to Sydney. And I spent way too much time today watching all of their responses. I will share two with you.

This one is from a girl who way too sophisticated for me. She tells Sydney that if she ever sees her on the street she will hit her in the fucking face with a full wine bottle....CORK AND ALL (she later apologized, sort of).

Fancy, right? When I was her age, I probably would've threatened to hit someone in the fucking face with an Orbitz bottle or maybe an empty wine cooler. But definitely not straight up wine. It still makes me sad, though, because kids these days don't respect booze. I mean, they are willing to waste it by hitting someone in the fucking face. Sad.

Here's the one which has a very special surprise guest at the end.

She's totally making a Sydney Dalton poster to rip up.

via Videogum, Buzzfeed, TDW

The bloated lazy wild mud hog in the picture above is a mastermind extortionist who threatened to turn Kate Plus 8 into Kate Minus 8 Plus A Social Worker if Kate Gosselin didn't stuff $50k to $100k into his ample chest dumplings. This is according to Jon Gosselin's ex-piece Hailey Glassman.

Hailey, who should really be trying to figure out how to fix her NOT RIGHT brows instead of talking to Radar Online, claims that she was there when Jon tried to get thousands of dollars out of Kate. And she has handwritten script notes as proof! Hailey says that Jon wrote down what he was going to say right before he called Kate and she kept those notes.

The plan hatched into Jon's brain when he found out that his daughter Mady had fucked her arm up. Jon told Kate that he would tell Child Protective Services that she beat on Mady unless she paid him off. Hailey explains to Radar, "We were in bed and Jon called Kate on speaker phone. He wrote down what he wanted to say to her and then he read from his notes. He told her, 'You either give me money, or I'm going to call CPS.' Kate would just say, 'You're sick Jon, you're sick. How could you do this to me? You need help.' I just remember thinking at the time that if he could do this to the mother of his kids, what would he do to me?"

Hailey says this happened over and over again, "That's how he works. He'd say, 'I'm going to go public with the way you treat the kids, I'm going to call CPS and the news and tell them everything unless you give me what I want.' "

Jon denied all of this and said Hailey is making all this shit up for a quick check.

The Weekly World News has more credibility than Hailey Glassman (no offense to Bat Boy) so I wouldn't be surprised if she did make the whole thing up to keep her bong full. I really wish she would spend her money on a brow transplant instead.

You know, when I read shit like this it always makes me wonder what really went wrong with Jon & Kate? Kate is a vicious cuntress who would disembowel a ladybug and its babies if they got in her shot. And Jon would gladly drop off his child army in front of a foster home if it meant he got to keep slurping Schnapps out of a cocktail waitresses' belly button. The two really are Satan's favorite couple and belong together forever.

Now that Jared Leto has finally ripped the cockatoo from the top of his head, he can jump on his white wheels and ride through the city without having to worry about a flock of birds following his ass thinking they are migrating elsewhere or deal with annoying hags trying to fuck with his sexy by throwing pieces of bread at him. And even though he still dresses like a drag king doing the worst impersonation of SamRo ever, I'm glad that he's hugging his hotness again.

Anyways, here's a little more of Jared with his brother Shannon bike riding through Manhattan yesterday afternoon.

The question of the day is: "Why is Stephanie Tanner holding the discarded shell of Suri Cruise's baby body?" Let that marinate. And while you do that, I'll stick a pink cigar in Mr. Bear's no-no, because his best friend in the world Stephanie Tanner has popped out her second BABY!!!!! And don't you go screaming METH BABY or FAS FACE BABY, because her new daughter is completely healthy. Well, she'll stay healthy until she hears her name...

Jodie's boyfriend MORTY COYLE (That name...I still can't) delivered the news to People: "Jodie was amazing and is doing great. We are now the proud, excited parents of Miss Beatrix Carlin Sweetin Coyle. Beatrix made her debut at 7 lbs., 4 oz. and 19 inches long."

Jodie also has a 2-year-old daughter named Zoie with her ex-husband CODY HERPIN. Jodie really does love fucking on dudes with names that sound like something the doctor at the free clinic would write on your medical chart next to "diagnosed with."

I was joking before about the name Beatrix. It has Bea (as in Arthur) and TRIX in it, so it's completely perfect. Kimmy Gibbler Carlin Sweetin Coyle would've been better, but maybe Jodie's saving that name for the next one.