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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz just announced their engagement. Try not to roll your eyes too much or they'll stay that way forever. Asshole posted this message on the Friends or Enemies website:

We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us."

Papa Joe confirmed to People and said he's "totally happy" and "so excited to have Pete as part of (our) family." You know that man is crying inside. At least he still has Jessica. Nobody's going to marry her annoying ass unless he pays them. Papa Joe probably coordinated this shit. Ashlee does have a new album coming out soon. Publicity stunt!

Her maid of honor is totally going to be a flat iron and his best man is going to be black eyeliner.

Dreamboat Pete Doherty is currently sitting in the chokey, probably freaking out from the heroin shakes. He's also all alone and in dire need of a few friends. The Sun reports that his friends want nothing to do with him. This is the saddest story I have ever read.

Dreamboat's current ho, Irina Whatshername, contacted Kate Moss yesterday to tell her that Dreamy's in the clink for 14-weeks. Irina couldn't get a hold of her, so she called up one of Kate's friends. The friend told Irina, “She knows. She’s seen it on TV. She doesn’t care.” That cold hearted snagtooth!

When Amy Wino heards the news, she laughed about it. To be fair, Wino was most likely on her 10th blunt of the day. That might have been the reason why she had the chuckles. A source said, “She just laughed and kept saying, ‘I can’t believe it’. Pete’s just a comedy character to Amy. She thinks he’s a bit of a clown.” Not even Wino has love for Dreamboat Incarcerated.

Don't worry Dreamboat! I'll be the Wino to your Blaaaake! I'll miss visits with you, because I'm too busy crawling out of a K hole. I'll scream for your name in the streets. I'll profess my undying love for you during awards shows. Okay, it will be bingo at the Y, but Dreamy doesn't need to know that.

Seriously, a sad British crackhead is sadder than a sad lesbian clown. And that is SAD!

My favorite Knowles, the only Knowles, Solange visited the UsWeekly offices today and kept her lips shut on Beyonce's maybe-possibly-who-cares wedding to Jay-Z. They tried to ask her things about the wedding, but she wasn't saying shit!

Solange Knowles visited the New York offices of Us Weekly Wednesday but played coy when asked about the recent big event in her life: sister Beyoncé's wedding.

Does Beyoncé like being married? "I have no idea!" she responded.

When complimented about the skirt she wore to the wedding, she only replied, "It was a cute dress."

Was it a fun night? "What night are you talking about?" she replied. "Friday? Hmm. Friday. I really don't [know]."

Why the hell was Solange at the offices of a celebrity weekly magazine if she wasn't going to talk about Beyonce's wedding. Oh....Oh!!!! Beyonce set Solange up! Beyonce was probably bored, so she made Solange visit UsWeekly, but told her if she said anything she would be banished to the basement for the rest of her days. Beyonce made Solange carry a hidden camera and she watched from her bed chambers with a big bowl of kettle corn.

For real, Solange just wanted a little attention. You can't blame the basement baby for wanting to be pet every now and again.

Two teenage boys from Pennsauken High School in New Jersey were arrested after a teacher found a hit list the boys made. Get this shit. Chuck Norris was one of the people on the list. Police said the list also contained the names of 3 students and a staff member. The boys claim it was just a joke. NO! You don't joke about killing Chuck Norris. You really don't. Here are some Chuck Norris Facts to prove that you don't eff with him:

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

What the hell was The Norris doing on that list anyway? "Walker, Texas Ranger" was a shitty show, but you don't have to kill anyone for it.

I seriously don't even know what's going on in this world anymore. Our world is turning into the Lord of the Flies. Our modern teenagers are going crazy. I watched that video yesterday of the 6 girls in Florida who beat down that 1 girl and wanted to put it on YouTube and it just kind of got to me. I mean, when I was that age, we were making sex tapes not beat down tapes! Make love not war.

It's time to put an end to reproduction. Seriously. No more.

Thanks Kelly

My two favorite characters on "Gossip Girl" are the only non-white people on the show. I shouldn't even say "characters," because they basically just stand there and giggle. Every now and again, one of them throws an eye roll. If producers are feeling generous that week, they might even give one of them a line.

Anyway, the two girls, Nan Zhang and Nicole Fiscella, play the sidekicks of the resident bitch on the show, Leighton Meester. Gatecrasher reports that Nan isn't coming back to the show!

Sources say that Nan didn't get along with Leighton, "Leighton didn't like her, and she went." Nan's character was written out. Don't fret! They apparently hired another Asian girl to fill the void. Yes, they are really generous.

The source went on to say that Nan just wanted to focus on school. She goes to Brown University.

So now Nicole just has to stand there and giggle and eye roll by herself?! Humiliating! Couldn't they at least give her a Latino friend to giggle with?

Bonus! Below is this mesmerizing video of some of the GG cast doing fake smiles, dramatic over-the-shoulder turns and other shit like that. I can't stop watching this video. It must be giving me a subliminal message. If I kill the neighbor's dog tonight. Blame this video. Seriously, acting is so weird!

Click here to see more of these hypnotic moving pictures

Video VIA Gawker

Actor Stanley Kamel was found dead in his Hollywood home yesterday reports Access Hollywood. He was 65. Cause of death is not known.

Stanely is best known for playing Dr. Charles Kroger on "Monk." However, I immediately recognized Stanley as Rebecca Gayheart's father on "Beverly Hills 90210." His character, Tony, hired a hit on Dylan, because he didn't approve of him marrying his daughter. The hitman accidentally killed Rebecca's character instead. Sad.

R.I.P. Stanley

Frenchy from Rock of Love 2 won't stop on her assault on eBay! An auction featuring a date with this lovely lady was already taken off eBay. As soon as they came off, ten more auctions came up! This one includes panties worn by Angelique. Starting bid $199! HELL NO! I can get a crab dinner for 8 at Red Lobster for less than that shit. Here's the description:

Up for bid is the outfit Frenchy wore during her porn career in a Club Jenna XXX movie. EXTREMELY RARE! 2 pieces include baby pink top and white panties. A MUST HAVE FOR ANY FRENCHY FAN! ONE OF A KIND AND CAN BE YOURS! Shipping is $5.00. If you want insurance add $5.00.

Insurance?! I'm going to need a Hep vaccine with those panties. Click here to bid. You know you want to. Just think of the delicious French panty pudding covering those things.

Thanks Bay

Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are no longer getting a divorce. Robin needs a fucking labotomy. Extra confirms that a dismissal was filed and granted in court yesterday. Robin filed for divorce on December 21 citing irreconcilable differences. They have been married for 11 years and have two teenage kids together.

The two showed up to an Eddie Vedder concert in Berkeley, CA last night. Eddie dedicated Tom Waits' "Picture in a Frame" to a very special couple (Sean & Robin). Later on in the show, Sean came on stage to wish Robin a Happy Birthday. I'm sure the night ended with Robin blowing out her own birthday cake in her room alone and Sean doing lines off of a call girl's ass in a hotel across town.

At the time of their split, a source told UsWeekly, “He always seemed like a bachelor at heart and the kind of guy who just couldn’t be married for long.”

Sean is really hot in that "I don't know if he's going to hit me or kiss me" kind of way. The kind of dude you want to fuck with, but not live with. Hopefully, he takes his meds and acts like a good boy. As if. She will be filing for divorce again before Fall.

Thanks DJ

First Mischa Barton gets off from doing any jail time for her DUI and now Barron Hilton isn't doing any time. Gross.

Barron pleaded no contest for DUI in court today. The 19-year-old was put on 3 years probation and he had his license taken away for one year. He must also attend a 3-month booze education class and pay a visit to the L.A. County Morgue. Why not just let him spend an hour with Paris' vagina. I'm sure it looks like dead, mutilated meat.

Barron was arrested in February for driving drunk and showing the cops a fake drivers license.

It's punishment enough being named Barron. Barren. Baron. Barron. The only time I enjoy seeing the word "Baron" is when it's after the word "Red." Snoopy VS The Red Baron rules.

Source: TMZ

Jessica Simpson strikes her signature "catching flies" pose for Esquire - Egotastic!

Ellen Page buys lesbian groceries (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Kim Kardashian in yet another stripper swimsuit - Hollywood Tuna

Kate Moss gets another best dressed award - Just Jared

Just like us - Becks gets a ticket - Hollywood Rag

Gerard Butler needs to step away from the Diaz already - Popsugar

Don't get a drunktoo - Cityrag

Tom Cruise fails again - IDLYITW

Let's just all sue Lindsay Lohan - A Socialite's Life

Haha! Calum Best with a black eye - Holy Moly!