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January 29, 2018 / Posted by:

La LuPone!

The roof of Madison Square Garden and millions of wigs are floating through the universe today. Because Patti LuPone’s all-powerful yodels of melodramatic perfection blew off the roof and the wigs of people everywhere.

During the 3,986-hour long Grammy show (I think it’s still going), there was a tribute to Leonard Bernstein and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber. Ben Platt, of Dear Evan Hansen, was up first and vibrato’d the shit out of Somewhere from West Side Story while paying tribute to Leonard Bernstein. And then Patti LuPone took her place at the balcony, and as she did that, theater queens from Pacoima to Poughkeepsie covered their sofas with extra-strength plastic tarps, because they knew they were about to fall out of themselves and leave a mess.

Patti sang Don’t Cry For Me Argentina from Evita in a tribute to her possibly former nemesis Andrew Lloyd Webber. There were actually a handful of messes on Twitter who had the audacity to say that Madonna sang it better. Those people are either Twitter bots bought by Madge or they need to immediately run into an ER to get their ears checked since they are obviously suffering from corroded eardrums and can’t hear right. Patti would still deliver a better rendition if she snored it in her sleep, and you know she’d snore it in the original key.

Besides Kendrick Lamar’s performance (and maybe a couple more), most of the Grammys performances became the top cure for insomnia, but La LuPone revived everyone without Vivarin with her belting. And not only did Patti bring the vocals, but she also brought the Juilliard-taught raw theatrics. Patti won another Tony with the emotion she delivered at around the 4:27 mark. That’s pretty much what I do whenever I’m sitting on the toilet and squeeze out a tiny dingle after being constipated for two days straight.

Get into Patti giving the best performance of the night (the second best goes to Cher in that awful Mamma Mia 2 trailer, and the third goes to Reba McEntire’s full KFC commercial).

Those people who didn’t stand or clap… I heard they were seen early this morning jumping into the East River after a mob with torches chased them out of Manhattan.

And here’s a clip from 1981 of Patti singing Don’t Cry For Me Argentina at the Grammys while also slathering the stage with glamour thanks to that stunning gold eyeshadow and skinny bang tendrils.

Patti has always had a reputation for being a mega bitch diva, but that clip shows she does have a softer side. It was so kind of her do wear a dress made entirely of Kleenex so that she could hand tissues to the people crying over her beautiful voice in the audience.

Pic: Getty

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