For the sake of nurses and doctors, I hope I never run into that tree in the wild, because they’re the ones who are going to have to remove splinters from my ass.
There’s been one contestant on Jeopardy! who has split the internet in two (not really)!!! Austin Rogers is a bartender from NYC who is like a grown up Dustin from Stranger Things in the May Company suit your dad wore for your Olan Mills family portrait. Some people (aka hipster fuckers) have felt things from taking in Austin’s hipster smugness, and others have gotten cramps in their eye-rolling muscles from taking in Austin’s hipster smugness. But however you feel about Austin, you have to slow clap for his Jeopardy! reign, and you really have to slow clap (with your ass cheeks) over how he went out.
Austin Rogers won 12 games straight and his prize money totaled $411,000. That can buy him a lot of Salvation Army corduroy blazers and small batch IPAs. But no amount of money can buy the beautiful thing that Austin Rogers got Alex Trebek to say last night. The answer was, “Slang For A Detective,” and Austin won nearly every piece of whatever is left of my heart by saying, “What is a….dick?” And he won every single piece of whatever is left my heart by getting Alex Trebek to say, “DICK TREE.”
— Maybe It's Keith (@MaybeItsKeith) October 13, 2017
And a meme was born!
But please, Alex Trebek, you wear glasses and wear a suit 24 hours a day (even to bed), which means that you’re smart. So you should know that a dick tree is what you get when you bury a dude’s cum load in a sunny spot and water it every day. Or maybe that’s how babies are made? I don’t know. I’m not Alex Trebek!
Austin ended up losing last night. But you know, the real winner of Jeopardy! isn’t the one who walks away with the most money. It’s the one who got Alex Trebek to say dick tree.