Miranda Kerr Married Rich

May 28, 2017 / Posted by:

Miranda Kerr just gave a dismissive eye-roll to her normal salary as a top model. She’ll probably use those millions to paper her crafting room now that she’s married to Snapchat billionaire Evan Spiegel. She’s struck Silicon Valley gold!

Miranda, 34, and Evan, 26, were married yesterday at their home in Brentwood, CA. The ceremony was described by E! News as “small and intimate” and by People as “lavish and classy.” This means a small crowd (there were 40 guests) got an open bar with really top-shelf booze and definitely had scallops wrapped in bacon. Scallops wrapped in bacon as cocktail hour appetizers are the height of wedding opulence. To me, anyway.

It’s a little surprising that they didn’t have a bigger affair seeing as Evan was quite the douchebag brah partier back in the day. Back in the day being less than a decade ago. It might have been small but it sounds like it was magical and no one’s aunt flashed the DJ. A source tells E!:

“It was a small intimate wedding,” says a source, who added that the bride looked regal and like a “natural princess.”

In addition to being an intimate affair, it was also an emotional one. Both the bride and groom had tears in their eyes, according to the insider.

“The vows were beautiful,” said the wedding goer.

That’s nice about the vows and everything, but can we tackle “natural princess” for a second? What’s a “natural princess?” Is that like an “exclusively gay moment?” Did she go sans fards, but her extreme beauty made her look like she gracefully exited from a storybook? Was she born haughty? Someone look it up.

The couple got engaged in July after dating for a year. In a surprise move, the Instagram announcement of said engagement was the very opposite of “lavish and classy.” They also said they aren’t doing it until marriage, so now that the whole wedding is out of the way, they will truly get to know each other. But we definitely know it won’t be Miranda’s first time, as she was previously married to paddleboarding penis king Orlando Bloom, with whom she has a three-year-old son.

Evan Spiegel’s net worth is $4.8 BILLION. They probably could have afforded to get married on the surface of the moon and honeymoon on Mars if that’s what Miranda wanted. And it’s all because of that app that I can’t figure out how to use because there are not enough labels as to where to swipe to get back to stuff. Yes, it’s always fun to put a puking rainbow filter over your face. But I can’t even get back to my contacts! And I always end up having to watch the “stories” of people who I’m not even sure I like because I accidentally swiped or clicked the wrong way. Evan should spend some of that $4.8 billion on making that app easier to use for simpletons like me!

And for your listening pleasure, here’s Miranda Kerr warbling some Shania Twain at her wedding reception, courtesy of TMZ.

Pic: Backgrid

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