For one quick second last night, I thought this was Audrina Patridge in an Xtina wig, but I should’ve known that Audrina doesn’t have the balls (or sense of style) to wear a DIYI ensemble made out of a pink bed sheet, pit balls stolen from a Chuck E. Cheese and a couture tube top borrowed from Frenchy Morgan’s closet.
This is a pop singer named Girl Crush and before yesterday she was best known as “WHO?” Actually, she’s still known as “WHO?“, but now she’s known as a “WHO?” who showed nearly everyone up at last night’s Grammys. Girl Crush showed everyone that you don’t need thousands of dollars worth of jewels and designer shit to rule the red carpet. All you need is charisma, a hot glue gun and a trustworthy friend who will drive the getaway car after you run out of Chuck E. Cheese with a trash bag full of pit balls. Girl Crush looks like a cross between Molecule Ball Barbie and an off-brand Candy Land doll sold exclusively at select Family Dollar stores.
Since Girl Crush couldn’t sit in that gumball machine gown, she probably learned up against a wall for all 568 hours of the Grammys. But that’s a small price to pay for getting to wear a gorgeous and expertly-made ensemble that had more blue balls than a Smurf bathhouse. Wait, do Smurfs have nutsacks? And no lie, my browser quit after I typed that last question. It probably knew I was about to Google, “Naked man Smurf.”
And I also threw in pictures of regular Grammy attention whore and proud Scientologist, Joy Villa, who trolled in a Trump dress. Her shameless trolling paid off, because her EP hit the #1 spot on iTunes. But Trump’s supporters shouldn’t be impressed with Joy’s dress unless it was made in China, like many of Trump’s products.