When the headline “David Beckham Emails Hacked” passed my eyes this weekend, I figured that the folder titled “DICK!!!!!” on my desktop would get a new addition. But the alleged hacking of David Beckham’s emails didn’t gift us with a picture of his dick, but it did paint him as a giant dick. And of course, Minnie Mouse’s voice twin is denying it all.
The Telegraph says that hackers, who are Russian (because нет duh, which Google Translate tells me is Russian for “no duh“), got into the computer of Becks’ publicist, Simon Oliveira. The Telegraph also says that the hackers tried to blackmail Becks by demanding 1 million Euros to not leak his emails. Becks reportedly dropped a high-pitched fart (I’m assuming his farts are high-pitched too) on that demand and so the hackers released some of the emails. The Sun originally published the emails but has since deleted that article. Most of the emails make Becks look like a knighthood is to him as an Oscar was to Leonardo DiCaprio.
Becks was already given an Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, but the alleged hacked emails show that he’s hard-up for the title of “Sir” and is pissed that he hasn’t gotten it yet. Becks works with UNICEF and the hacked emails make it look like he only does charity work to boost his image and to get that knighthood he desperately wants. That proves those emails are fake, because we all know that famous hos only do charity work out of the goodness of their pure hearts and not because they want to look like saintly do-gooders in the eyes of the people!
Becks was apparently up for knighthood in 2014, but the honors committee changed their mind after his name came up in a tax avoidance scheme. In one email, Becks’ b-hole throbs and explodes with rage after those unappreciative cunts offer him a lesser honor.
In one message the 41-year-old former England captain branded the Honours Committee “unappreciative cunts” after missing out on a knighthood and dismissed lesser awards, ranting: “Unless it’s a knighthood fuck off”.
In the emails Mr Beckham also allegedly states: “It’s a disgrace to be honest and if I was American I would have got something like this 10 years ago.”
In other emails, Becks demands that UNICEF covers his travel costs for a charity trip and seems a little “err” about donating his own money to UNICEF. The hacked emails also claim that Becks only backed a vote against the Scottish Independence referendum because he thought it would get him his precious knighthood. But Becks’ rep said in a statement that the emails are outdated and were fixed up to make him look bad.
“This story is based on outdated material taken out of context from hacked and doctored private emails from a third party server and gives a deliberately inaccurate picture.
David Beckham and UNICEF have had a powerful partnership in support of children for over 15 years. The David Beckham 7 Fund specifically has raised millions of pounds and helped millions of vulnerable children around the world. David Beckham has given significant time and energy and has made personal financial donations to the 7 Fund and this commitment will continue long term.
Before establishing the 7 Fund, David had supported UNICEF and a number of other charities over many years, including donating his entire earnings from PSG during his time playing there. David and UNICEF are rightly proud of what they have and will continue to achieve together and are happy to let the facts speak for themselves.”
UNICEF defended Becks in their own statement, saying that he has donated “significant funds” to them and generously gives his “time and support” to raise awareness.
THE QUEEN doesn’t choose who ends up on the honors list, but she does approve the picks from a list given to her by her ministers. So she could summon Becks to her royal throne him and tell him that she’ll put in a good word for him if he gets down on all fours, barks like a Corgi and polishes her shoes with his tongue. And after he does that, she could also look down at her shoes and say, “You missed a spot. Better luck next time, bitch. Now begone!”
And here’s the (alleged) wannabe Sir leaving a Soul Cycle class and also arriving at LAX last week.