My name is Ben and I am now your designated weekend tour guide through the fabulous world of celebrity fuckery, basic bitch battles and moments that will make your eyes roll into the back of your head so hard you’ll be able to see your own brain!
Pleasure to meet you. Now let’s get started.
In recent ‘Please Love Us Again!’ news the members of Destiny’s Child have launched their very first Instagram page! Even though these heifers haven’t produced a hit together in what seems like fifty years (the group disbanded back in the pre-iPhone Stone Age of 2005) the presence of their new Instagram account is causing fits of throwback nostalgia for everyone who remembers the time when Beyonce’ traveled exclusively with her two favorite backup singers and terrorized the charts with timeless wasted-at-karaoke-night anthems like ‘Bootylicious’, ‘Survivor’ and ‘Soldier’.
The page, which is now up to twenty-three thousand followers, has caused specualtions of an impending tour, which I’m sure is playing a continuous loop of the ‘KA-CHING!’ sound in both Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams ears. Actually that loop is more than likely Michelle’s morning alarm and ringtone.
And while talk of seeing the three of them strap on their finest House of Dereon clearance rack specials and shake their asses onstage once again may seem enticing to some, I won’t be pleased unless former members LeToya Luckett , LaTavia Roberson and hot ass mess Farrah Frankln aren’t there to put all those bitches to shame with side eyes and scoffs. No true Destiny’s Child reunion is complete without Destiny’ Step-Children. But of course the real winner in all of this isn’t Michelle and Kelly’s bank accounts or the fans. The true winner is Queen Beyonce herself! After racking up over $250 million for her Formation World Tour Beyonce’ could donate her portion of the Destiny’s Child tour to hire therapists for the most devoted members of her Beyhive cult. Or she could just give it to Blue Ivy to ball up and throw on the stage while Kelly and Michelle fight over it like Diamond and Ronnie from The Player’s Club.
Make that money.