How do I even write this? This was not supposed to happen. Prince was an immortal miniature unicorn who was supposed to keep spreading his musical brilliance and throwing eyelash-singing side-eyes until the end of eternity when we’re all long gone. But well, all of the oxygen was sucked out of the planet when TMZ first reported that Prince Rogers Nelson is up in heaven making the angels faint as he sashays through the gates. I thought that maybe, just maybe, it was a hoax, but Prince’s rep confirmed this worst of worst news to The Associated Press. Prince was only 57.
Just last week, I wrote about how Jehovah’s (Forever) Sexiest Witness was hospitalized after he had a medical emergency on a private plane. Prince was released and laughed at the rumors that he was in a serious, serious way. Prince’s rep also said that he was dealing with the flu but was fine. Prince even showed up at a show the next day and let all of his fans know that everything was okay, and someone even got a picture of him looking dandelion glamorous while riding his bike near his house.
This morning, Prince was found dead at his Paisley Park compound in Chanhassen, Minnesota. The 911 got a call at around 9:43 today from Prince’s estate and after paramedics arrived, they pronounced him dead.
Prince’s legendary career really screams for itself and I don’t need to say how he was a musical genius, a master guitar player, an icon of fabulousness, a multiple gold-medal winning puckerer, sex god, the King of Blouses, etc… etc…But I will say that my sister was obsessed with Prince when we were kids and she had all of his records. (Yes, records. We old.) Like David Bowie (Yes, Bowie and Prince in the same year. 2016 can lick a dirty b-hole already), Prince showed me there’s no one definition for “dude” and a man can work a pair of Spandex leggings, an ass-less yellow lace jumpsuit and a sequined tank top if he wants to. And since I’m a disciple of nastiness, Prince’s earlier songs are my soundtrack.
The only other thing I have to say is that Prince’s funeral better knock us all over with 4,500 tons of opulence. I want to see doves crying out tear-shaped purple rhinestones and everyone wearing purple face veils.
Rest in peace, Prince. You now in heaven, yodeling out a duet with Vanity.
And Prince is probably laughing at all of us bloggers trying to find his videos and performances on YouTube. I had to get this, which is one of my favorites, from a Turkish site: