Oscar Pistorius will soon have to say goodbye to the 1800 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets in his luxurious house arrest prison and once again say hello to 0 count cardboard sheets in the chokey, because South Africa’s Supreme Court of Appeals upgraded a lower court’s ruling of “culpable homicide” to “murder.” The Supreme Court of Appeals found him guilty of murdering his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.
As many of us already know, Oscar killed Reeva when she was in the toilet room and he shot through the closed door several times. Oscar was like, “Ah thawt she wuz a burgahlur!” Oscar claims that it was an accident and he didn’t know Reeva was in there. The judge in his trial found him guilty of “culpable homicide.” Culpable homicide is basically manslaughter. Oscar spent less than a year in the clink before he was put on house arrest and was forced to suffer the pain and misery of hardly ever leaving his rich uncle’s mansion for the next 4 years.
While Oscar has been eating caviar and lobster from his house arrest commissary, the South African Supreme Court of Appeals has been reviewing the case. The BBC says that today the Supreme Court of Appeals ruled that Oscar did intend to commit murder, because well, when you fire 4 shots into a door, you have to know that the person on the other side may die. All five judges of the Supreme Court of Appeals ruled that the judge in the lower court was wrong when they declared that Oscar killed “without malice.” Justice Eric Leach said this in court today:
“In these circumstances, the accused must have foreseen and, therefore, did foresee that whoever was behind the toilet door might die but reconciled himself to that even occurring and gambled with that person’s life. The identity of his victim is irrelevant to his guilt.”
Oscar will definitely have to take his ass back to prison, but for how long is up to the court. He’ll be sentenced sometime next year and the minimum sentence for murder is 15 years, but it’s ultimately up to the judge. His lawyers can try to appeal, but they’d have to prove his constitutional rights were violated, so they’ll probably just shrug and keep it moving.
Huh, a rich, famous athlete was found guilty of murder? I’m going to need another head (I set myself up with that line), because I wrapped the one I have around that fact and I still don’t get it. I didn’t even know that was possible in this world. I thought the judge was going to say, “And the court finds Oscar Pistorius guilty of murder! Wait, what’s that? He’s a rich, famous athlete? Okay, forget everything I just said. He’s free to go!” Did the planet just go through some portal to Opposite Land? I’m going to test that out by sending a Prince Hot Ginge love letter to Buckingham Palace’s e-mail address. If we really are in Opposite Land, I’ll get a response that will read, “He’s waiting outside your door with roses,” instead of the usual response of, “Crazy bitch, we have forwarded this to the proper authorities AGAIN!”